How Orthodox priests choose their wives. Being a clergyman's wife: grace or bondage
The role of a clergyman's wife is not suitable for every woman. Because this is not a role, but, probably, a special state of mind. It's an honor to be a mother. But one must precisely be one, and not appear to be one, showing by one’s example love, tolerance, fidelity, humility, and joy. So what are they like, these women who help their husbands carry the priestly cross?
There are no ideal marriages, just like people. Although at first it seems to any girl who dreams of marriage that it is very easy to be a faithful and obedient wife, a caring mother. But in reality it doesn’t always work out. Scandals, mutual claims - and now the couple is on the verge of divorce. Keeping a family together is hard work, but getting a divorce is really easy. But if the husband is a priest, this is out of the question. And not only because “it’s impossible.” After talking with mothers, you understand: for women who have found their own, non-worldly happiness, thoughts on this topic are no longer inappropriate. “People often ask me: “Is it hard to be a mother?” says my interlocutor, Mother Galina, wife of priest Valery Gensitsky, rector of the church in the name of the Holy Apostle Andrew the First-Called in the city of Marx. - I’ll say this: being a mother is happiness. It’s hard for those who are without God. Especially women whose families are falling apart and they don’t know what to do. One monk in Sanaksary, when I mentioned the difficulties, told me: “You have an indestructible support - this is God. Therefore, think better about those who do not have it.” This is a truth to which there is nothing to add, and it seems to me that all mothers should be happy. It’s just that when marrying a seminarian, you need to think not about worldly joys and entertainment, but understand that in the Church there is a completely different joy that defies description. In the world, joys are lightning fast, they come and go, but here the joy is eternal... And we must remember that a priest only gets married once. And if a girl is more attracted to worldly things, then she shouldn’t take such a step and connect her life with a clergyman.”
Mother Nadezhda, wife of priest Ilya Kuznetsov, cleric of the Saratov Church in the name of St. Seraphim Sarovsky, about realities family life knows the priest firsthand. She is originally from Chelyabinsk, father Ilya is from Vladimir region, and their acquaintance took place in St. Petersburg, where the future mother studied at the University of Culture and Arts, and the father studied at the Theological Academy. After completing their studies, they found themselves in unfamiliar Saratov, where they sent their husband to serve. As Mother Nadezhda says: “In the relationship between spouses in priestly families there is more patience and humility before each other. We understand that our marriage is forever, and therefore we no longer attach importance to minor troubles. Mother, as it were, dissolves in her husband and children, living with their needs ", and this is her happiness. We understand that for the priest, service to the Lord comes first. Mother should be a shadow that in no way interferes, but at the same time is a reliable and faithful rear."
Right hand
In general, to some extent, the role of a priest has something in common with military service: priests also often do not stay long in one church, they are constantly on the move. Mother Galina’s husband, father Valery, for example, has sixteen decrees on transfers in his work book. And mainly in the Saratov region, although the couple themselves come from a Ukrainian village near the Pochaev Lavra: “We had our first parish in Khvalynsk, where we were still young and inexperienced,” recalls Mother Galina. “We are coming for the first time to a foreign country, to an unknown town, We go into the church house, and there the table is set: rich borscht, pumpkin porridge, pies, and there is no one. “How so?” - I was amazed. But it turned out that the sisters had prepared it and left immediately so as not to disturb us. Such a reception, of course, amazed us. The priest served in Khvalynsk for 11 months. Our daughter was only two weeks old when he was transferred to Volsk. From there to Novouzensk. We bought two houses, one for living, the other for a church. But at home - it’s loudly said, they were two mud huts. The first years were very difficult for us. There was desert in human souls. They taught people everything - to take a blessing, to turn to the priest "father Valery." As soon as I called him Valery, everyone said exactly the same thing. It was necessary to teach sellers how to behave correctly in church shop. After all, in a church the distribution of candles and icons is very different from worldly trade, where goods can be thrown onto the counter. And at first, when no one knew how to do anything, I had to do all the household work in the church myself.”
As Mother Galina admits, at that time she chronically did not get enough sleep. She kneads the dough, then puts the prosphora in the oven for fifteen minutes, and she goes to bed in the kitchen right on the floor. She understood that if she went to bed, she would fall asleep and the prosphora would burn. But gradually, with God’s help, life got better. After eight years of service, Father Valery and Mother Galina left the already flourishing parish, and they themselves received another appointment. I ask:
— How difficult were all the ups and downs of life?
- You know, I love my father very much. The Apostle Paul speaks about love that is patient, merciful, and does not boast. Forgive me, Lord, for these words, but it seems to me that this is what my love for him is. And moving has never been a burden for me. I always thought: how will Father be alone? If you love a person, a temple and the Lord, then you don’t consider everything you do to be hard work. All the moving was on me - the priest is at work, he has no free time. Children also grow up thanks to their mothers, because their fathers rarely have a free minute. There are especially many worries if the priest is the abbot. Sometimes I’ll complain to him that I’m tired, and he’ll simply say in response: “They call you mother.” And how you will be given a cold shower. Or I’ll say that one of the parishioners, as it seemed to me, acted wrongly, and he tells me that I should bow to the parishioners, and not condemn them.
At the parish, sometimes they love the mother no less than the priest. Perhaps someone is embarrassed to approach the priest, so they go to his wife - she seems closer to the laity than a clergyman in a cassock.
No less than help with household needs, prayer support is important to a priest; as Mother Galina says, they prayed for Father Valery together with the children on their knees. The children even complained that their knees hurt. But mother was unyielding and answered: “Until dad feels good, we will pray.”
And rigor helps
A separate conversation is raising children. Mother Galina and father Valery have two of them, their son is studying at a theological seminary, their daughter is a student at a medical institute. They are on first-name terms with their parents, as is customary in Ukraine. As we got used to this form of communication from an early age, this is what happened, although none of the parents insisted on it. “The father is very affectionate with the children, he will always listen when there is time. I’m probably more of a strict mother,” Mother Galina smiles. “Although now the children say “thank you,” they admit that now it’s easy for them to go through life. But maybe it’s It's right when one of the parents can pamper, and the other is more strict. Children then grow up more collected, responsible. I myself grew up in a believing family. And when the time came to pray, for example, we were not asked whether we were tired or not. Maybe this is tough, but there is a lot of laziness in a child, and sometimes he just needs to be forced. Even if not in a strict form, but with love. Children need to be instilled with love for God, for the temple, for prayer. If a child has love for God, he will be in any situation will remain human."
In general, according to Mother Galina, their children grew up like everyone else, went to kindergarten, then to school. Unless they regularly went to services, took communion and were not sick at all. When mother came with them to the hospital, doctors advised other mothers to ask her for a recipe for children's health.
“We, as a priest’s family, have always received increased attention, and thanks to our children,” recalls mother, “many educators and teachers came to church for the first time. Because it was clear from the children that the family lived in joy and health. People only by example you can be pushed to take a step towards God. When I go over the events of my life in my memory, it seems like a complete miracle to me, honestly. And we never felt the need for anything; everything we needed was given to us by the Lord.”
Father Elijah and mother Nadezhda have a two-year-old son, and in a few months they are expecting another addition to the family.
Mother Nadezhda says that the couple is now trying, first of all, to instill obedience in little two-year-old Arseny, especially towards his dad. To follow what was said the first time.
Mother believes that a woman does not necessarily have to work. Although before her marriage she worked as a sacristan in the church for three years and if her help is needed when the children grow up, she is ready to start working if necessary. But she still believes that the most important thing for a woman is to be a mother, this is her calling. And the children should be treated kindly and, if possible, be raised in a family for as long as possible, bypassing kindergartens.
The “experience” of Father Elijah’s wife as a mother is still short, but Mother Nadezhda has already made the main conclusions about her “status”: “The main thing is to show more humility, patience and love. Being a priest’s wife is a big responsibility, it is important not to look or behave vulgarly ", don’t say too much, don’t mislead people, help as much as you can. But this responsibility doesn’t depress me, I’m happy in my family, and it’s a great joy for me to help my husband and be with him."
It is difficult for a non-Orthodox person to explain what place and role a priest’s wife plays – in the life of her husband, in the life of his parish.
I converted to Orthodoxy from Protestantism, being already married. We have been married for forty years, thirty-five of which I have been a priest. And I cannot imagine either my life or my ministry without my wife.
There are married priests in catholic church, although according to the charter, Catholic priests must observe celibacy. In Orthodoxy, the possibility for priests to marry was approved back in the 7th century, at the VI Ecumenical Council. Discussions about whether a priest could be married or whether he should take a vow of celibacy were ongoing in the Catholic Church, but de facto celibacy for priests was legalized only in the 11th century, after the Gregorian reforms. In England, for example, priests were allowed to marry until the Norman conquest of the country in 1066 - after which celibacy began to be enforced everywhere.
And one of the first gains of the Reformation was the abolition of the vow of celibacy for priests. The initiator of the Reformation, Martin Luther was a monk and priest. However, he was married to a former nun and they had six children. One of the fathers of the English Reformation, Archbishop of Canterbury Thomas Cranmer was also married.
And in this regard, I deeply agree with the fathers of the Reformation.
IN Orthodox parishes married priests are quite common. All that is required of them is that the wedding take place before ordination, and also that this is the first marriage for the priest’s bride. And this is a marriage for life. If the priest's wife dies, the priest becomes a widow. This is clearly stated in the apostle’s letter to Titus: “If anyone is blameless, he is the husband of one wife” (Titus 1:6). It happens, of course, that parishes are served by priests who have taken a vow of celibacy, but this is relatively rare.
Thus, Orthodox tradition Priests' weddings have been going on for two thousand years. And this is not an innovation or an adaptation to the needs of human nature.
When I came to Orthodoxy, I discovered that the figure of the priest's wife is surrounded by customs and traditions - which, for example, was not the case in Protestantism. These customs and traditions reflect the inner life of the church. For example, the wife of a priest has a special name - “matushka” in the Russian tradition, “presbytera” in the Greek, etc.
The very fact that there is a special name for the wife of a priest in Orthodoxy indicates her role and the honor of this role. She is not a clergyman and does not participate in worship, but mother is always deeply involved in the life of the parish. Of course, each person expresses herself in her own way, in accordance with her talents. But in any case, she is not just a wife and mother. She, to a certain extent, is a spiritual mother for parishioners, just as a priest is the spiritual father of his flock. And, like any parents, they care for their spiritual children in different ways. But it rarely happens that mother does not participate in the life of the parish.
Over the years of service, I myself have made practically no decision without consulting my wife. Especially when it came to important decisions. After all, the consequences of these decisions will affect both my ministry and her life. And my mother’s wisdom is extremely important: she not only knows our parishioners well, but also knows me very well. And if I am mistaken in something, then she will be the one who will point out my mistakes more accurately than anyone else.
I think that the lack of veneration of the Mother of God in Protestantism is also due to the fact that in it the priest’s wife is just a woman. During my time as an Anglican priest there was a tendency to make priesthood a profession. And the priest’s wife was perceived simply as a spouse, and church affairs did not concern her. I didn't like it. But it is precisely the veneration of the Mother of God that opens the heart to what is neglected in the same Protestantism. I see this in my parishioners, although for a long time I could not formulate what the matter was.
In Alaska, the priest's wife, Father Nikolai Michael, Mother Olga, is highly revered. She is revered almost like a saint. She has not been canonized, although I think she will be. Mother Olga was a midwife for the residents of nearby villages; everyone knew her immeasurable generosity; miracles were performed through her prayers. They are still happening. I look forward to Mother Olga being canonized.
On October 7, I received a letter with the news that Mother Katerina (Sissy) Yerger had passed on to the Lord. Her husband is a priest Orthodox Church in America, serving in Clinton, Mississippi. My wife and I met with Mother Katerina several times - even before we converted to Orthodoxy. She and her husband, Paul, were living examples of truly Orthodox living. Her soft southern accent, her warmth and hospitality - all this made Orthodox faith native to those parts. She was dearly loved by all who knew her and will be greatly missed by all of us.
Everywhere in the Orthodox world there are women who bring fullness of being to the life of the parish. They often say “parish family.” And in this family, the role of the mother is as important as the role of the father. Upon reflection, I suddenly realized that I had never thought of Father Paul Yerger separately from his mother. And I won't anymore. I mourn with my brothers and sisters in Clinton. The kingdom of heaven to Mother Katerina.
Translation by Anna Barabash
Instructions
If you want to become the wife of an Orthodox Christian, then first of all you must take care of your moral character. After all, church ministers value not beauty in a woman, but morality.
Therefore, you must first study Holy Bible, treatises of the church fathers on the family and other spiritual literature. And secondly, bring your wardrobe into line with religious rules. The clergy have great dislike for women in trousers, short skirts and revealing bright outfits.
When your appearance begins to correspond to the ideals of your future husband, you can begin the actual acquaintance. Marry someone who is already working priest It’s impossible, so you need to look for a husband among future church ministers and seminary students. Many regularly gather near the seminaries, wanting to meet future priest mi. So you will not be alone in your quest.
Many future priests want to get married and be ordained while already married. Seminarians live in almost complete isolation, so it is extremely difficult for them to find a wife on their own. Therefore, you will be greeted there with great joy.
When meeting and communicating, you must remember that relationships with clergy are different from secular ones. Behave modestly and with restraint, as befits an Orthodox Christian.
If you are ready to connect your profession with the church, then you can enter the theological seminary at the Faculty of Religious Studies. So you will not only be able to meet your future husband there - priest, but also after graduation to work next to him.
Finally, you can marry a deeply religious man and support him in his quest to take holy orders. In this case, you will be able to support your loved one and go with him along this entire difficult path from entering the seminary to preaching work.
Sources:
- Questions for the abbot / Finding a spouse
The private life and life of clergy have always been the subject of controversy and discussion. The community, closed from the outside world, lives according to its own ways, dictated by the dogmas of faith. What are the realities? Everyday life modern priest?
Instructions
The path to priestly ministry begins with seminary training. To be admitted, an applicant must undergo a fairly strict selection process, which includes testing the applicant’s knowledge and spiritual qualities. Single or first-married men aged 18-35 are allowed to study at the seminary. Upon completion of the seminary, the future priest receives assignment to a place of service; in this case, the seminary graduate does not have the right to choose.
By the time he is ordained, the future priest must make a decision: to become a monk or to get married. The priest will not have the opportunity to change this decision. If a priest does not marry before being ordained, he takes upon himself a vow of celibacy.
There is another restriction on marriage for future clergy - they are prohibited from marrying divorced or widowed women, women with children. A priest's marriage can only be one; in the event of the death of his wife, the priest becomes a monk.
In families of priests there is strict ban that in modern world is called family planning, so families are usually large: there will be as many children as God sent.
The everyday life of the families of priests is not much different from the everyday life of the laity, with the difference that for the priest and his family it is unacceptable to violate the rules and requirements of religion in everyday life: the priest’s wife cannot wear provocative clothes, wear bright makeup, and should not be present in the house items that are contrary to Christian norms.
The standard of living of a clergyman's family mainly depends on how well-off the parish is. Because the wage the priest's salary is minimal, and income depends entirely on donations from parishioners, it is quite understandable that in wealthy urban parishes the standard of living for priests is higher than in rural areas or poor parishes. The living conditions of a priest are far from perfect, but this does not stop those who have chosen this path of serving people.
The working day of a priest is not standardized; at any moment he can be called to the parishioners; there is also no special talk about other social guarantees. Not every priest even has an official work permit, which means that not everyone can count on a pension from the state. Most priests do not have the opportunity to acquire their own housing, because at any moment they can be sent to a new parish on the other side of the country.
Almost every girl dreams of getting married successfully. Having a handsome and wealthy husband and feeling mutual love for him all your life is a normal desire. Unfortunately, this does not come true for everyone. Girls often choose the wrong men, dooming themselves to a difficult life full of regrets. And the number of divorces in Lately increased. To avoid such an outcome, you need to choose your life partner more carefully.
How to find a worthy life partner
The most important thing is not to rush to start a family with the “first person you meet.” Some representatives of the fair sex, almost from the cradle, set themselves the goal of life to get married. They are afraid of being alone. And if one of the friends tied the knot before them, they begin to panic and look for anyone who will offer their hand and heart.
Remember, life is not a competition with friends, everyone goes their own way. Some people get married at 18, and others at 30, 40 or even later. Everything has its time. The decision must be deliberate, and the man must be proven.
If you have already met your chosen one, take a closer look at him. Falling in love can make you close your eyes to many of a person’s shortcomings. Remember that these shortcomings will not disappear from family life.
First of all, make sure that your feelings for him are real love, and not fleeting love. This will take time. Also make sure that your chosen one truly loves you.
Check it out in different life situations. He must prove his love to you with real actions. Try living together for a while to see how he behaves in everyday life. If you really feel good together, you easily share household responsibilities, he provides you with financially, you have joint plans for the future, then perhaps he really is the one you need.
Ask yourself, are you ready to fall asleep and wake up next to this person for the rest of your days? If yes, then make sure that this is what he wants too.
To marry for love, just wait until your only man, who loves and values only you, proposes to you. Tell him “yes” and your dreams together will begin to come true.
Why you should marry for love and not for convenience
A husband is a person with whom you will live your whole life. Imagine that you have no feelings for him. No money can be made if she is not next to her loved one.
After a while, the unloved one will begin to be very annoying. You will notice the smallest flaws in his character and even his advantages will begin to seem like disadvantages to you.
If you marry out of great and mutual love, every day of your life with your husband will be filled with joy and harmony. Over time, your love will grow into a new, even deeper feeling, and you will become not only spouses, but also best friends who support each other in joy and sorrow.
Marry only your loved one and only when you are confident in his devotion and sincerity, then all your dreams will come true.
Since the times of the USSR, there has been a stereotype in our country that a girl simply needs to get married before a certain age. Moreover, it was often limited to 18-20 years. Recently, views on marriage have changed somewhat, but girls still worry about the “fading” years and, because of this, sometimes commit rash acts.
Marriage age in Rus' and in modern Russia
In Rus', girls were married off very early. In the 13th century, the “Helmsman’s Book” was created - a set of church rules that regulated and family relationships. It established the age of marriage for girls as 13 years, and for boys as 15 years. However, there were many cases of earlier marriages. The Church tried to fight this phenomenon. “Stoglav”, published in the mid-16th century, allowed priests to marry girls no younger than 12 years old, boys - still from 15 years old.The reasons for such early marriages were often purely practical nature. For example, it was not easy for the bride’s parents to feed their numerous children, and they sought to quickly “place” at least one of them. On the contrary, the groom’s family did not have enough workers, and his parents gladly accepted a “working girl” into the house. Of course, there could be no talk of any mutual love here, and marriage relationships in a young family sometimes began only a few years after the wedding.
Currently, Russian legislation sets the age for marriage to be no younger than 18 years. However, in special circumstances, a marriage license can be obtained as early as 14-15 years of age. The laws of individual constituent entities of the Russian Federation specify that “special circumstances” are late dates pregnancy, the presence of a pregnancy (at least 22 weeks), the termination of which is impossible for medical reasons or due to the desire of both parties to maintain it. Permission to marry for persons under 16 years of age is usually issued by a decree of the administration of a region, territory or republic.
Factors influencing marriage
However, such early marriages are still quite rare today. According to statistics, most girls try to get married at the age of 18-25. To some extent, this depends on physiology, since during this period complete puberty. Other decisive factors may be the desire for motherhood, fear of loneliness or social stereotypes.However, it is best if mutual love is the main factor. After all, you can’t want to get married in the abstract; at a minimum, a girl needs a loving and reliable man. But it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to meet him “by order.” Under no circumstances should you get married when you are not sure of your chosen one. Although stubborn statistics still claim that after 30 years the chance of getting married is no more than 7%, the solution to the problem in each case remains individual. It happens that a girl meets her destiny at 16-17 years old, and it also happens that women find family happiness at 30, 40 and even 50 years old.
Marry billionaire It seems like a fantastic, unattainable dream, but in fact this desire can be realized. It's the same kind of work as when you're working to develop your career. The main thing is to have a clear plan and know what to do.
You will need
- Desire to change
- Aptitude for learning
Instructions
Foreign ones are still popular among Russian girls. Many of our beauties dream of getting married and going to live abroad. One of the most sought-after grooms among Russian women are Germans. They are stable, reliable and, most importantly, attractive. That's just how to marry German?
Instructions
In order to become a German, you need to get to know him. And although finding a suitable foreign groom is somewhat more difficult than a domestic groom, this is not an obstacle for a purposeful woman.
You should not look for your future German husband in bars and discos frequented by foreigners. Although the chance to meet someone from abroad is great, it is unlikely to lead to anything serious. Foreign men go to such places to have a good time and relax, and they are not looking for a wife.
To meet a foreign man, you can study the list of German companies operating in your city and get a job in one of them. In addition to good work, you will get acquaintances with representatives of Germany, both with colleagues and with those sent to your branch. If your work involves business trips to Germany, the chance of hooking up with your husband will increase several times.
If you don’t want to change your job, attend exhibitions where many people participate. foreign companies. Find out which business centers have German companies, and go to a cafe nearby for lunch, since there is a high chance that your chosen one will have lunch at one of these cafes.
After you have met suitable man, he needs to please. Russian women will not have to make any extra efforts for this. Russian wives are very popular in Europe, and in Germany in particular. Europeans value ladies for their beauty, homeliness, and femininity. They are tired of their emancipated ones and are happy to marry foreigners who will give warmth to the family hearth. Therefore, in order to charm a foreign man, you must first of all demonstrate your femininity and homeliness.
Also, since in this case we are talking about being a German, it is necessary to show such a quality as practicality, since it is a national German trait. If you are used to throwing money away, try to hide it from your chosen one. On the contrary, show him how you know how to save money and think about your own benefit - this is a very attractive quality, from a German point of view.
note
Let's be honest, if you married a German for love, and not with the goal of moving to Germany for permanent residence, then this is already a big plus and a guarantee that your relationship has a very possible future. It’s just that cases are quite common when Russian girls marry a German, wanting to move to Germany; for this, they believe, it’s not a sin to portray both African passion and wild love.
If you want to marry a German in Germany, you will be interested to know that, unlike us, Germans only start dating for marriage after they have achieved financial independence. At the same time, relationships in which couples live together for some time before marriage are encouraged. Sometimes such cohabitation is called a “trial marriage,” which allows you to find out whether your partner is right for you and whether you should marry him.
. Perhaps his parents are making sure that their son does not bring a stranger to their living space. This could lead to serious scandals. And if young man If he has to make a choice between his beloved and his mother, then most likely he will not go against his relatives.Therefore, one of the main points that you should include in your plan in the capital is the charm of the potential groom's relatives. Under no circumstances should you encourage him to leave them or rent housing separately. This will only add to your problems. It’s better to gradually gain the trust of your lover’s family. Do not try to ask for a visit until you are invited. But try to always help your boyfriend in choosing gifts for his parents. Let these not be simple trinkets, but a carefully selected and thoughtful exclusive item. It’s better if you get to know their tastes and choose something really worthwhile. Admiring such a gift, they will definitely ask how he managed to find exactly what they dreamed of. And here your chosen one will say that it was you who helped him. This is how you will earn your first plus.
Instructions
First, you need to expand your social circle. If he is limited to colleagues and relatives, married friends, then it will be very difficult to select a candidate for the role of a future husband. Force yourself to have fun in public places, and not at home in front of the TV, reading a book or on the Internet. It’s worth dating on the Internet; a lot of people have found their soul mates this way. There is nothing wrong. And there are much more men there than in agencies, and the atmosphere is much more relaxed. The main thing for you is to try to make your relationship real as quickly as possible.
Consider what concessions you are willing to make in future relationships. What are you willing to endure for the sake of the treasured stamp in your passport? Do you agree with an older husband? Are you willing to learn another language and move? Then you should expand your search geography and meet foreign grooms. Very many women who were unable to arrange their personal life in their homeland, they found successful grooms in other countries. The key to success is good knowledge of the language and attractive appearance. If the goal is to marry six months, consider only European grooms, American and Australian applicants are very stalling for time. Make a decision on time - and the fact that you are from a small town with a predominantly female population will not prevent you from arranging your own personal happiness. The main thing is to be realistic and correctly assess your chances. And don’t try to pretend to be a prince in a white Mercedes if your appearance and education are average. Your desire to get married as quickly as possible does not allow you to go through options for a long time. But there must be a choice; during the correspondence process, work with at least three men at the same time.
Try to choose the right moment. The ideal time for dating is when married people celebrate family holidays. On days like these, single men think about serious relationships. And they can be more easily lured into the web of marriage. So don't waste time and start realizing your dream.
If Catholic priests have celibacy, that is, they take a vow of celibacy, then in Orthodoxy clergy are allowed to get married. This rule was enshrined back in 325 at the First Ecumenical Council of Nicaea. But, of course, the marriage of an Orthodox priest has its own characteristics.
Who can a priest marry?
The future priest is asked to decide on marriage until he is 30 years old - by this age he must already be ordained. If you have not married by the age of 30, you must become a monk.
Most often, they get married while they are still seminarians. The bride, according to existing canons, must be Orthodox and must be a virgin. If she is divorced or has children, such a woman cannot become the wife of a priest.
As for the profession of the future mother, there are fewer restrictions. The main thing is that it professional activity didn't violate God's commandments. For example, she cannot work as a stripper or sell alcohol or tobacco products. Previously, priests were prohibited from marrying actresses, since this craft was equated with prostitution. Now there is a different way of looking at these things.
However, families of clergy usually have large families, since in Orthodoxy it is customary to give birth “as many as God wills.” Therefore, it is not always the mother who can afford to work; she is often forced to run the household and raise children.
Can a priest get a divorce?
It will no longer be possible to dissolve the marriage. If the mother behaves unworthily, for example, cheats, the priest may not live with her as a wife, but still has no right to divorce. Even if she dies, he cannot remarry and must spend the rest of his life alone. If he wants to create new family, he will have to resign his rank. IN Ancient Rus' a priest left without a wife had to go to a monastery.
How should a priest's wife behave?
Mothers also have their own rules. A priest's wife should set an example of spiritual life. After all, parishioners often perceive her as an intermediary between them and the priest, they can ask about something, ask for advice... Of course, she must comply Orthodox canons, behave modestly and reservedly, as befits a Christian believer.
Concerning appearance, short skirts and bright makeup are not strictly prohibited, but they can create a certain impression of a woman. They are clearly out of place in church.
How should a priest and his wife behave in a family?
Everyday life in a priest's family is regulated in the same way as for all believers. However, the priest and his wife must not forget that they, as servants of God, bear a much greater responsibility for every word spoken and every action. Ideally, there should be no quarrels, scandals, conflict situations must be resolved peacefully. As a rule, in families of priests, divine commandments and religious canons are carefully observed for all members, for example, fasting and prohibitions on working on holidays.
Of course, the priest and his family are not obliged to spend free time to prayers and soul-saving conversations alone. They can spend their leisure time by going for a country walk, to the theater, cinema, or to a classical music concert. Going to decent restaurants is also allowed. But visiting nightclubs, discos and other entertainment venues is completely out of the question for them.
A woman cares about everything. Married woman there is also something to do with everyone - especially with members of their large family. […]
A woman cares about everything. A married woman also cares about everyone - especially the members of her large family. And even in spiritual matters: does the husband fast? How often does one take communion? Does he read patristic books? Does he have soul-saving conversations with the priest? Whether the head of the family wants it or not, these questions will worry his faithful companion. How to worry correctly and without distortions, on the day of remembrance of the patron saints of the marriage of martyrs Adrian and Natalia, is advised with a bit of humor by an experienced family man and father of many children, Kiev priest Vladimir Tukalo.
On the path to Christ, they both experienced the unthinkable... “I beg you, my lord, servant of Christ,” said Natalia, “while you are still alive, stretch out your hand to repel it, and then you will be equal to the other holy martyrs who suffered more, than you! Saint Adrian extended his hand to her, and she took it and placed it on the anvil. The tormentor, hitting his hand hard with a hammer, cut it off, and immediately Saint Adrian gave up his soul in the hand of God from great suffering.”
This piercing example of how a wife can become a real spiritual mentor for her husband precedes our conversation.
– Father Vladimir, here is the situation: the wife sees that her husband has begun to receive communion rarely. He's lost faith, or something... Should she care?
- She will care about this in any case, whether she should or should not. Women are the keepers of the hearth, and they have everything under control at home. A reasonable arrangement in a family is when the husband determines the strategy: “where to go,” and the wife determines the tactics: “how to go.” “In 1945 we will take Berlin,” says the husband. And the wife answers: “Okay. It's 1941 now. So, here we dig trenches, there we build pillboxes, we take weapons like this...” And the husband, if he is wise, will not embarrass his wife in matters of tactics. His task is to ensure that she does not deviate from the strategy, because her desire for “what is best” often leads astray, and then strategic direction family is changing.
But in matters of “how to go,” the wife has the right to control everything. At her discretion - the household, the family cash register, clothing, food, etc. And suddenly such a zone emerges - a spiritual one, which turns out to be beyond her control. If there is no money, you can “shake” a bonus out of your husband, persuade him to go work somewhere, or earn money yourself. If children “lack” knowledge, you can hire tutors. And here is the problem: the spiritual order is disrupted - what to do? And the woman throws herself headlong into solving this puzzle.
We have a cliche: the more often you go to church, the more grace influences, the person improves, and life gets better. Often we try to squeeze our family members into these iron frames. But the question is not the quantity, but the quality of visits to the temple.
If a person goes to church and opens his heart there, he comes into contact with the grace of God. Even if you stood and talked with God for 10 minutes, this may be enough: you felt a response in your soul, the Lord touched your heart, and over time a person will want such contact again. And if a husband stands in church “not for the sake of selfishness, but only by the will of the wife who sent me,” as Father Fyodor said from “12 Chairs,” a problem arises: the heart does not turn on. On the contrary, the “obligation” is triggered.
According to the law of physics, the force of action is equal to the force of reaction. So here: than more woman will put pressure, the more the family will resist. Even children, up to the age of 14–15, will still somehow obey, walk with force, make the sign of the cross and bow their heads, but then they will begin to be indignant, freak out, and come up with excuses. And at 18-20 you can’t even drive them into church with a stick, because they associate worship with violence against their will and freedom.
And so does my husband. He is ready to accept the fact that his wife is the first in the kitchen. Agrees with her in everyday, applied things. He even listens when they tell him what shirt to wear and how to button his jacket. But he will never accept his wife becoming his spiritual guru.
– A woman judges by herself, and if someone in the family stops observing fasts or going to church, she is afraid that she will fall away loved one from the Church. But, apparently, the frequency of temple visits among men does not indicate any apostasy at all. But then why does this happen?
– There is an anecdote about a boy, the son of an English lord, who was mute from childhood. And on the day of his 13th birthday, the family sits at breakfast in the morning. Lord says: " Good morning" The boy doesn't answer. Oatmeal is served. Father and son begin to eat. Suddenly the boy says: “Not enough salt.” Everyone is shocked: what is this, how can this be! Relatives came running and asked him: “Can you talk?” - "Yes I can". - “But why haven’t they said a word in all 13 years?” - "There was no need".
So it is in some families. The woman is trying so hard to please her husband that he simply doesn’t need anything. Do you have a wife? - Eat. – Are you listening? - It seems like yes, she’s a believer. – Do I earn money? - I make money. In general, everything is fine.
Often women, especially young Christian women, surround their husbands with such care, well, they simply lay it on all sides. You look at all this and think: really, why does he need to go to church - fed, watered, put to bed...
“We won’t blame the woman for this.” And what to do in this case? If the wife is not a spiritual authority, how can she influence? Maybe we should leave this question to chance?
- No, you can’t leave it to chance.
The main thing a woman can do is her personal prayer. You can come to the priest and ask him for a rule so that your husband becomes a church member and becomes closer to the Church.
In my priestly practice there was interesting case. One parishioner, a young girl, met a guy - a complete atheist. He once read the Bible, but scoffed at faith.
She comes to me and says: “Father, he is very good, I love him, but I’m afraid to connect my life with him.” “You,” I answer, “have two options: either you refuse it, or you fight for it.” - "But as?" - “We must pray.” And I gave her a rule.
We talked a lot about this situation. “Maybe we should instruct him somehow?” - she asked. But how to instruct if a person is a psychologist by training, is writing a PhD thesis, is educated, well-read - you cannot argue with him. “You know, if I start being smart, he can put me under my belt in no time. And then I’m so ashamed... It seems that I didn’t defend my faith, and I’m offended by him,” she said.
The girl relied on the will of God and prayed earnestly. I read one akathist 40 times, then a second, a third. Six months, a year passed, and then one day this guy comes to me. He asks: “Why does she come here?” In the sense that he was sincerely interested in why she needed the Church and faith.
The girl didn’t pester the guy with conversations, she didn’t force him to go to the caves or the Lavra. But if he asked, she answered to the best of her understanding. I didn’t try to enlighten him, but I shared what I knew and felt. I advised her: “Just answer what you think. If the question is beyond your understanding, say this: since you have so many questions, let’s go to the priest.”
– What should you never do, so as not to cause the very opposition you were talking about?
- The most incorrect installation: “I’ll church him.” Or: “I’ll change it. He will be different." Not a fact. In such a formulation of the question, self-reliance is already inherent, selfhood is manifested.
To think that “I will change him” is madness, because only God can change another person. Creation cannot be changed by creation, but God the Creator can do everything. This means we need to start by turning to the Creator.
We want to change another person with our words, actions, proposals, hikes or pilgrimage trips. We think that we are reducing him to such and such an elder or an authoritative priest... But the elders and fathers are not authorities for this man. Well, yes, the old man is saying something. So, you should also read on the Internet what they write about him...
Therefore, you need to leave your dreams and get ready to work. If you love a person and want to change him, this can only be done through sacrifice. A girl, a wife, can beg with her love, sacrificing some of her strength, energy, and time to pray for her fiance or husband. And gradually, little by little, he will transform. This will not happen right away, the Lord will test her faith. But then the person himself will gradually transform, and the whole family will receive great consolation and joy. But all this is only through work.
And with regard to actions, it would definitely be wrong to drag him to church: “you must,” “you must,” set limits, conditions. You need to start praying and slowly offer, interest.
Often husbands, as I said, see no reason why they should go to church. The wife read the lives of the holy fathers, learned that if you confess and receive communion, then you will begin to separate from sin, the Lord will give mercy, will sanctify the mind and enlighten the heart. She knows this, but her husband does not have such knowledge. If she starts telling him, he won’t pay any attention to it, because for him his wife is not a spiritual authority. Now, if he tells you to add salt to the borscht after 15 minutes, he will do it without question. Why? Because if you don’t do as she said, it won’t be borscht, but slop, and you won’t be able to eat it. And if you listen to her, it will be good for your belly.
Men have more developed rational perception. So the most the best option for the wife - to find a priest who would gradually reach his consciousness, talk and explain.
In such cases, I invite people to a prayer service for success in business. Even to the man who is farthest from faith, “success in business” is understandable. “How long do you need to stand?” - "15 minutes". - “Oh, okay, no questions...”
So we prayed, I’ll say a short one parting words- I touch him to the quick, tell him why he goes to church, what his purpose might be. I’m not saying – you are obliged, you must. But I suggest. In the Orthodox Church, the Lord Jesus Christ is our patron, helper, and role model. The Lord does not force the will, He does not force, He offers: come, accept. So I say: “Do you want it this way and that? No? Please…"
We must always remember: only the Lord changes people. The priest does not “set the brains”, he sows. Often women, when they ask me to talk to their husbands, are afraid: “He won’t listen...” So we don’t need him to listen, we need to sow. The priest sows, the wife fertilizes with grace. Grace is given through prayer. So she quietly prays for her husband, asking God to open her heart and generously sprinkle this seed with grace.
The most important thing is to avoid coercion. Violence has no love in it. Love is patient, merciful, does not envy, does not seek its own, does not rejoice in untruth, but rejoices in the truth. Where there is boundless trust in each other, love will act.
If a husband loves his wife, he trusts her: she wants it this way, which means it’s better for her, let her go to church and pray. If he sees that his behavior hurts her, he will simply come to the temple for her sake, take this step of love. And mutual sacrifice - her humble prayer and his sincere concession - will gradually strengthen feelings, thereby giving the opportunity to act in the hearts of God.
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