Communicate with the child. How? (Julia Gippenreiter)

Tatyana Vyacheslavovna Kuzmina
How to communicate with a child

HOW COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR CHILD?

Speech at a parent meeting.

Many parents do not think about this issue - communication happens by itself, both parents and children are happy with it. Bye. But there are adults who have already realized the enormous importance of communication style for the development of their child’s personality.

It has been experimentally proven that if a baby receives adequate nutrition and good medical care, but is deprived of constant contact with an adult, he develops poorly not only mentally, but also physically: does not grow, loses weight, loses interest in life. However, just as food can be harmful, improper communication can harm a child’s psyche, his emotional well-being and will subsequently affect his fate.

How right communicate with your child? This question is complex and simple at the same time. It’s complicated because our communication style is influenced by many factors, most of which we are not aware of. Experts have come to the conclusion that the style of parental interaction is involuntarily imprinted on the child’s psyche even in preschool age. Having become an adult, a person reproduces it as natural. Thus, from generation to generation there is a social inheritance of style. communication: Most parents raise their children the same way they were raised as children. At the same time, the way we interact with a child depends on the fashion in society for certain pedagogical ideas, on our immediate environment - relatives and friends, on the style of communication between other family members, on the age of the parents, on living conditions, and on many other reasons.

And still, easy to communicate with your child. Because not always, but often this process brings joy. And to ensure that communication is always useful for both adult and child parents, you can use several rules.

Rule 1

Of course, accepting a child means loving him not because he is beautiful, smart, capable, an excellent student, a helper, and so on, but simply because he is. You can often hear such an appeal from parents to their son or daughter: "If you are a good boy, then I will love you." Or: “Don’t expect anything good from me until you stop (being lazy, being rude, fighting, or starting (obey, put away toys)"In these phrases to the child report that he is accepted conditionally, that is, they love him “only if...”. A conditional, evaluative attitude towards a person is generally characteristic of our culture and is introduced into consciousness from childhood. The reason for the evaluative attitude towards children is the belief in the power of reward and punishment. Praise a child and he will strengthen in goodness; punish him and evil will retreat. But in reality it turns out that the more a child is scolded, the worse he becomes. Because education is not training, and parents do not exist to develop conditioned reflexes.

Unconditional, non-judgmental acceptance is the satisfaction of one of the fundamental human needs - the need for love, for belonging, for being needed by another. This need is satisfied when we inform the child: “It’s so good that you were born with us,” “I like you,” “I love it when you’re at home,” “I like doing this with you.” “Wordless” forms are similar to these messages acceptance: glances, affectionate touches, postures and gestures. Psychologists say that 4 hugs a day are simply necessary for a child to survive, and for good health you need at least 8 hugs a day! And by the way, not only for children, but also for adults.

We do not always follow our messages to children. And children literally understand these phrases of ours, How: “You will drive me to the grave,” “You constantly bother me,” “How tired I am of you,” “How happy we were in our youth, before you were born,” “I sacrificed everything for you.”

The more often parents get irritated with a child, pull him back, criticize him, the faster he comes to thoughts: “They don’t like me.” Arguments type: “I care about you” or “For your own good” children do not hear, because for them the tone is more important than words. If usually the tone of the parent’s voice is angry and strict, then the child feels bad, “not like that,” and unhappy.

Does this mean that parents should never be angry with their son or daughter? No. Under no circumstances should you hide, let alone accumulate, your negative feelings.

Rule 2

1. You can express your dissatisfaction with individual actions of the child, but not with the child as a whole.

2. You can condemn a child's actions, but not his feelings, no matter how unwanted they may be.

3. There should be no dissatisfaction with the child’s actions. systematic: otherwise it will develop into rejection.

Parents are prevented from accepting their child by their nurturing mindset, which results in demands, criticism, reminders and lectures, in the struggle for obedience and discipline. But discipline should arise not before, but after the establishment of good relations, and only on their basis. An educational attitude may be associated with the desire to compensate for one’s failures in life, unfulfilled dreams, or the desire to prove to everyone one’s indispensability or the “heaviness of the burden of parental duty.”

Another reason that interferes with non-judgmental acceptance is unconscious emotional rejection. For example, the parents were not expecting a child, it appeared at the “wrong” moment, or the child was not the gender they were expecting, or the birth and first days were too difficult, or the birth was too painful.

How can we determine whether we accept our child? Try to count how many times per day you addressed your child with emotionally positive statements. (welcome, approval, support) and how many - with negative (reproaches, comments, criticism) and compare the results.

Now close your eyes for a minute and imagine that you are meeting your best friend (girlfriend). How do you express your joy? Does our own child really make us less happy with his appearance?

Now consider a situation in which your child is busy with something, but does something badly, “wrong.” Imagine picture: The baby is enthusiastically fiddling with the mosaic. It doesn't turn out very well Fine: the parts fall apart, are inserted into the wrong holes that the child wanted to get into, and the flower doesn’t look like a flower at all. You want to intervene, help, show. And so you don't stand it: “It shouldn’t be this way, but this way.” But the child is unhappy answers: “But that’s not what I wanted. I did it myself.”

In general, different children react differently to their parents’ “wrong way”; some become sad and lost, others are offended, and others rebel. Why don't children like this kind of communication? Because we impose “simplicity” on the child where it is difficult for him. Let's look at a one-year-old baby learning to walk. Now he has unhooked himself from your finger and is taking his first hesitant steps. At the same time, he sways, tensely moves his little arms. But he is happy and proud! Few parents would think of teach: “Is that really how they walk? Look how it should be!” Or: "Why are you still rocking? How many times have I told you spoke: Don't wave your hands! Well, go through it again and properly.”

Criticisms addressed to a child who is learning something are also ridiculous. It is important to leave the child alone if he wants to do something on his own and does it with pleasure.

Rule 3

It says: Do not interfere in the child’s business, if he does not ask for help, by your non-interference you will inform him: "You're okay! Of course you can handle it!"

If a child learns something on his own, he will immediately achieve 4 results:

1. knowledge or mastered skill

2. training the ability to learn

3. satisfaction and self-confidence

4. positive impact on relationships with parents.

We all often focus on the 1st result, but the other three are more important for life. Of course it arises question: “How to teach if you don’t point out mistakes. Yes, this is necessary. But you need to point out be able to:

1. you shouldn’t notice every mistake

2. It’s better to discuss the mistake later, in a calm atmosphere.

3. often the child himself knows about his mistakes, but he is already satisfied with the fact that something is working out and hopes that tomorrow it will turn out better.

Suitable for parents would be the following algorithm:

1. choose a few things that your child can do on his own, even if not perfectly.

2. try not to interfere even once and approve of the child’s efforts despite the result

3. remember 2-3 mistakes of the child that you found especially annoying.

Find the right time and tone to talk about them.

Rule 4

It would seem to contradict the third, but in fact it complements his:

If a child is having a hard time and is ready to accept your help, be sure to help him.

If a child encounters a serious difficulty that he cannot cope with, then a laissez-faire attitude can only do harm. Some parents, especially dads, try too hard to teach their children not to be afraid of difficulties and to be independent. If your son or daughter directly asks you for help or complains that “nothing is working out,” “I don’t know how,” or abandons the work they started after the first failures, then they need help. All parents know that a preschooler can button his own buttons, wash his hands, put away toys, but he cannot organize his own affairs during the day. This is why it is often heard words: “It’s time,” “Now we will...”, “First we’ll eat, and then...”. But gradually the range of tasks that the child performs independently increases due to those tasks that he previously performed with an adult.

Based on the book by Yu. Gippenreiter " Communicate with your child. How?"

When you find a medicine that really works, make sure your child takes it regularly, every day. Children do not need to take any breaks from taking their medications and can confidently take them every day. Some parents give the medicine only before school, and the child does not take it in the evenings, on weekends and holidays. In fact, it harms him greatly: he needs medication while he needs to do homework, engage in extracurricular activities, do housework, interact with siblings and peers, and even enjoy leisure time.

Set a clear schedule. Create a daily and weekly schedule for your child and hang it on the wall. Everything should be scheduled: from the moment the child gets up until he goes to bed. Children with ADHD behave much better when they know what they will do and why.

Establish a reward system for good behavior. For children with ADHD, good behavior is hard work. Some people believe that good behavior should not be rewarded and should be taken for granted, but for children with ADHD this is one of the hardest things to do. If a child does not receive any reward for good behavior, he will decide that it is not worth behaving that way. Don't forget that a child with ADHD doesn't just want attention, but needs it. As a rule, getting attention for bad behavior is very easy and quick, but attention for a good reason is more difficult to earn, and there are much fewer guarantees that you will receive it. You need to make sure that rewards for good behavior are much easier to obtain than punishments for disobedience.

Make sure your reward system is appropriate for your child with ADHD. He won't be able to behave well all week in hopes of getting rewarded on Friday. Rewards should be given to him immediately and as often as possible. Set up a points system and reward your child with them regularly (frequently and every day) for good behavior, for example, when he starts doing homework or chores, while doing a task, when he has finished doing it, playing well with a brother or sister, calmly getting ready to go to bed and, essentially, any other behavior you want to develop and improve.

  • Establish not only a point system, but also the rewards that the child will receive in exchange for points. He can exchange a small number of points for a small reward, for example, special time to play with his father, an extra 10 minutes of watching TV, a special treat after dinner. Your child can also save points to later redeem them for a larger reward, such as a sleepover with a friend, a day out, etc. Have a wide variety of rewards to keep your child interested. As you age, your rewards should also change.

  • If rewards don't work, you need to know what to do. If the reward system does not work, then the child already has too many privileges and the rewards are not an incentive for him. You need to provide your child with everything he needs, such as food, clothing, etc., but you don't need to give him many privileges (like allowing him to watch TV) if he hasn't earned them.

    Once your child has earned points or rewards, never take them away for bad behavior. Separate rewards from discipline. If a child with ADHD has worked hard to get points and then loses them, they may stop seeking rewards and feel like it is worthless.

    When you need to talk to your child, make sure he has his full attention on you. Call your child's name and wait until he reacts and looks at you. Don't give him instructions when he's doing something, like watching TV. Wait until your child looks away from the screen, or turn it off for a minute. You need to talk to your child close, at a short distance. If you shout something at him while he is playing in the pool, it will not work. First take him aside, then speak.

    When talking to your child, use as few words as possible. Children with ADHD cannot concentrate their attention for a long time - for this they need to make a lot of effort. The less you say, the more they will hear. Give them instructions in one sentence at most.

    If your child is misbehaving, do the three things below. It is very important to always use the same system. If you do different things every time, your child will constantly test you to see how you will behave. Always use the same sequence of actions so that they become predictable and the child always knows what will happen if he does not obey. This way, your child won't be constantly testing you.

    • The first step is noticing. Use this step when your child begins to misbehave. You just need to reprimand him. Typically, a child with ADHD either has no idea what he is doing or thinks that no one cares or notices. If you don't like your child's behavior, tell him so. First you need to get his attention, then tell him to do something rather than stop behaving that way. For example: “Sasha, take your hands off.” At this stage, there is no need to threaten the child: tell him what behavior you expect from him.
    • The second step is a warning. If your child does not stop misbehaving immediately, move on to step two and warn him what will happen if he continues to disobey. Always give only one warning.
    • The third step is consequences. The most effective consequence for bad behavior for a child with ADHD is to stop him from playing for a while. This punishment is immediate and quick, which is essentially what a child with ADHD needs. He will immediately become bored and will not want to sit quietly in one place, so for children with this diagnosis this is a much more severe punishment than for ordinary children. This method can be used repeatedly, anywhere.

  • Set clear boundaries within which the child will serve his sentence. Choose a place in the house and come up with a name for it. Make sure that it is a boring corner where the child will not be able to have fun, play and get someone's attention. Tell your child specifically where he needs to go to serve his sentence. If a child with ADHD does not understand what he needs to do, he will tend to show his disobedience.

    Don't expect the system to work right away. It will need to be secured again and again until the child finally understands what's what. Imagine that he is in a fenced area. An ordinary child will look around him, try to break down the gate and realize that he cannot get out. Then the child will calm down. Children with ADHD will fight against the gate, try to climb over the fence, dig a passage under the fence, look for some kind of loophole, try to jump over the fence and will repeat all over again before they realize that they cannot get out of the boundaries. They will test your patience and you will have to be strict.

    Learn to talk to your child. Children with ADHD literally have “no brakes.” If you want them to change their behavior, tell them what they need to do, not what they should stop. For example, instead of saying “don't run,” say “walk more slowly.” It is very difficult for them to stop doing something and replace their behavior with something else. Instead, tell them which activity to focus on.

    Never ignore bad behavior. The child will not correct himself if you do not pay attention to his bad behavior. It will get worse and worse until the child becomes completely uncontrollable. Fix the problem at the very beginning.

    All parents, without exception, face problems raising children. How to talk to a child correctly if you are faced with a not yet fully formed personality with his own principles and views on life. It should be borne in mind that all children follow the example of their parents, friends and acquaintances, and this example is not always positive.

    Many parents do not know how to treat their child, how to talk to him and teach him. It’s not uncommon for parents to ask themselves the question, why is my child so uneducated, because we have put so much effort and it’s all in vain. Obviously, this is precisely the moment when the reason should be sought in oneself, and not in the children.

    There are different methods, but the main thing in education is the golden mean

    Many parents use the method of “constant screaming” in their education, thereby trying to achieve diligence and obedience through fear. This is the main mistake. If you want to achieve understanding from a child, then you should talk to him as an adult, intelligent person. If a child stubbornly refuses to obey you, it means you have not become a respectful person for him and, accordingly, a friend.

    Many parents subconsciously choose the tactic: “let him do whatever he wants, as long as he doesn’t touch me.” In this situation, parents act as passive educators. Naturally, children minding their own business grow up as ill-mannered children and do not listen to their parents at all.

    When dealing with children, you need to choose a middle ground. Moderate severity cannot be avoided, but communication should take place on equal terms; be a friend to the child, not a strict teacher. Trust him with your secrets, consult and plan upcoming events together.

    How to deal with a sick child?

    When your baby is sick, you pay more attention to him, you understand how much he needs your care and affection now. It is during this period that the child may begin to manipulate you. You should know how to treat a child , when he is sick.

    The child is quickly able to understand his situation, he is capricious and will dispose of you as he pleases. And the main thing is that you won’t even notice it, because you are more concerned about your child’s fever and lack of appetite.

    When your baby is sick, you should not walk on your tiptoes and inquire about his well-being every five minutes. There is no need to persuade him, much less praise him excessively, if he has eaten a few spoons of soup. Your face should be friendly and calm, do not show your anxiety, replace your trembling voice with a gentle and calm voice. And try to return the child to a normal lifestyle as soon as possible.

    Imagine being in a situation where you are asked to look after a neighbor's child while the parents are away on urgent business. Or you came to visit, and while the hostess is in the kitchen, your task is to entertain the child. Or maybe your job involves communicating with children - often or not very often (for example, a teacher or a hairdresser).

    How will you establish contact with your child in such situations?

    We have prepared a list of practical tips that will help you quickly find a common language with your child. These tips are for those who do not have professional experience working with children. And by the word “children” we mostly mean children of preschool age.

    1. Treat your child like an ordinary person, only a little one

    This is perhaps the most important tip that lies at the root of the rest of the tips in this article.

    Please note that those people who are most successful in establishing contact with children (I observed this in the example of educators, doctors, coaches with whom my child contacts) communicate with them calmly, balancedly, in a normal tone, explaining complex things to them. From the very beginning, these people perceive the child as a full-fledged person, but they only make allowances for the fact that he is still small. And this approach captivates children.

    You can adopt this strategy and stop babying your children if they are no longer babies. Conduct a full-fledged dialogue with them, but not from the position of “adult - adult”, but from the position of “child - child”. Please note that children always easily find a common language with each other; difficulties begin when we grow up. Therefore, “lower” yourself for a while to the level of a child. This means that you don’t need to openly doubt if you hear statements like this: “Yesterday a huge plane flew into our garden.” Instead, progress the conversation: “Seriously? Do you want to tell me about it?

    2. Get down to child's eye level

    When we come with a child to a lesson at the children's club, the teacher always bends down or crouches to greet or ask something from the child. According to her, this helps her move away from the “adult-child” communication pattern and demonstrate her respect and equality. Judging by how well she is able to connect with children, this is excellent advice.

    3. Don't praise your child directly

    If you want to compliment your child when you meet, focus on his clothes or the object he is holding in his hands. When strangers bring up something personal, they risk making the child even more shy.

    All that is required at the first meeting is to relieve the tension that arises in the child when contacting a stranger. For example, you can build a dialogue like this:

    - Wow, what a beautiful truck you have! He probably carries sand to the construction site.

    This way you will switch the child’s gaze to the toy instead of the frightening face of the stranger. This trick will help buy time for the child to get used to your voice.

    Or here's another trick that might help. If you see a cartoon character on your child’s clothes or in his hands that is familiar to both of you, this is a great excuse to start a conversation.

    - Wow, is this a fixie? - you ask.

    “Fix,” the child answers after a short pause.

    - What is the name of this fixie? - you develop the dialogue.

    A subject of common interest is always a good reason to find mutual understanding with both adults and children.

    Or another method that our grandfather uses when my friends come to visit with their children. He deliberately includes an error in what he says:

    “What beautiful yellow sandals you have,” he turns to the child.

    “They’re blue,” he answers.

    - Exactly, blue. I lost my glasses, and without them I can’t see well. Haven't you seen them?

    “They’re right on your nose,” the child answers with a smile.

    After this joke, the children easily make contact with him.

    4. Express your child’s emotions on your face.

    You can often find situations where people laugh when a child cries, in an attempt to cheer him up. What's really going on? The child cries even louder, falling more into despair, as if saying: “Why doesn’t anyone understand me?”

    The next time you see a child upset, try putting on a sad face and empathizing. In most cases, this helps, and the baby makes contact more easily.

    5. Talk about his things and toys

    If you find yourself at home with a child, take an interest in his toys and books: “Do you like to read? What is your favorite book? Could you show it?".

    This trick works great not only with children, but also with adults, because we all love increased interest in ourselves.

    Or, if you need to keep your child busy while his parents are away, a great solution is to offer to draw. And if suddenly the child finds this activity too boring, invite him to draw with his eyes closed. And then guess together what he drew.

    6. Become one of the children

    The best way to get along with children is to unleash the child who lives inside of you.

    Become one of the children who surround you. Accept their rules rather than impose your own. Play the games they want to play. Talk to them about things they are interested in hearing about. Read the books they like.

    7. A universal way to get along with children in all situations

    There is one trick that works almost always and with all children. You've probably seen other adults use it, and maybe you've used it yourself.

    Cover your eyes with your hands. Keep them like this for a while. Then slowly spread your fingers and look at the baby. A smile will appear on his face. After several repetitions, laughter and joy will fill the baby.

    This list cannot be completed without your participation. If you have anything to add, write it in the comments below.

    PHOTO Getty Images

    A real discovery at the turn of the century was a study by developmental psychologists from the University of Kansas (USA) Betty Hart and Todd Risley that what determines a person’s achievements is not innate abilities, not the economic status of the family, not race or gender, but the number of words with which others address him in the first years of life 1 .

    It is useless to sit a child in front of the TV or turn on an audiobook for several hours: communication with an adult is of fundamental importance. Of course, saying “stop” thirty million times will not help a child grow into an intelligent, productive, and emotionally stable adult. It is important that this communication is meaningful, and that the speech is complex and varied.

    Without interaction with others, the ability to learn weakens. “Unlike a pitcher, which will hold whatever you pour into it, the brain without feedback is more like a sieve, notes Dana Susskind. - Language cannot be learned passively, but only with the help of a reciprocal (preferably positive) reaction from others and social interaction.”

    Dr. Susskind has synthesized the latest research in the field of early development and developed a parent-child communication program that will promote the best development of children's brains. Her strategy consists of three principles: tune in to the child, communicate with him more often, and develop dialogue.

    1. Attunement to the child

    We are talking about the conscious desire of the parent to notice everything that interests the baby and talk with him about this topic. In other words, you need to look in the same direction as the child.

    Pay attention to his activities. For example, an adult, filled with good intentions, sits on the floor with a child’s favorite book and invites him to listen. But the child does not react, continuing to build a tower from the cubes scattered on the floor. The parents call again: “Come here, sit down. Look, what an interesting book. Now I’ll read to you.”

    Everything seems to be fine, right? Loving adult, book. What else does a child need? Perhaps there is only one thing: the parents’ attention to the activity in which the child himself is currently interested.

    To tune in to a child means pay close attention to what he is doing, and get involved in its activities. This strengthens contact and helps improve the skills involved in the game, and through verbal interaction, develop his brain.

    The child can only focus on what interests him

    The fact is that a child can only focus on what interests him. If you try to switch his attention to another activity, the brain has to expend a lot of additional energy. In particular, research has shown that if a child is required to participate in an activity that has little interest to him, he is unlikely to remember the words used at that time 2 .

    Be on the same level as the child. Sit on the floor with him while playing, hold him on your lap while reading, sit at the same table while eating, or lift him up so that he looks at the world from your height.

    Simplify your speech. Just as babies attract attention with sounds, parents attract their attention by changing the tone or volume of their voice. Baby talk also helps baby's brains learn language. A recent study found that 2-year-olds who were coddled between 11 and 14 months knew twice as many words as those who were spoken to in an adult manner.

    Simple, recognizable words quickly draw a child's attention to what is being said and who is speaking, encouraging him to pay attention, engage, and communicate. It has been experimentally proven that children “learn” words that they hear more often, and they listen longer to sounds that they have heard before.

    2. Active communication

    Say everything you do out loud. This Commenting is another way to “surround” a child with speech. It not only increases vocabulary, but also shows the relationship between the sound (word) and the action or thing it refers to. “Let’s put on a new diaper…. How white he is on the outside and blue on the inside. And not wet. Look. Dry and so soft.” “Let's take the toothbrushes! Yours is purple and daddy's is green. Now squeeze out the paste, press a little. And we will clean, up and down. Is it ticklish?

    Use related comments. Try not only to describe your activities, but also to comment on your child’s actions: “Oh, you found mommy’s keys. Don't put them in your mouth, please. They should not be chewed. This is not food. Do you open your car with keys? The keys open the door. Let's open the door with them."

    Avoid pronouns: they cannot be seen

    Avoid pronouns. Pronouns cannot be seen, except perhaps imagined, and then only if you know what they are talking about. He...she...is it? The child has no idea what you are talking about. Not “I like this”, but “I like your drawing.”

    Complete, detail his phrases. When learning language, a child uses parts of words and incomplete sentences. In the context of communicating with your baby, you need to fill in such gaps by repeating already completed phrases. The addition to: “The dog is sad” will be: “Your dog is sad.” Over time, the complexity of speech increases. Instead of: “Come on, baby,” we say: “Your eyes are already sticking together. It’s very late and you’re tired.” Additions, detailing and structuring of phrases allow be a couple of steps ahead of your baby's communication skills, encouraging him to engage in more complex and varied communication.

    3. Development of dialogue

    Dialogue presupposes exchange of remarks. This is the golden rule of parent-child communication, the most valuable of the three methods for developing the young brain. You can achieve active interaction by tuning in to what occupies your baby’s attention and talking to him about it as much as possible.

    Wait patiently for a response. In dialogue, it is very important to adhere to the alternation of roles. By supplementing facial expressions and gestures with words - first assumed, then imitated and, finally, real, a child can select them for a very long time. So long that mom or dad will want to answer for him. But do not rush to disrupt the dialogue, give the child time to find the right word.

    The words “what” and “which” hinder dialogue.“What color is the ball?” “What does the cow say?” Such questions do not promote vocabulary development because they encourage the child to remember words that he already knows. Questions with “yes” or “no” answers fall into the same category: they don’t help keep the conversation going and don’t teach anything new. On the contrary, asking “how” or “why” questions allows him to answer in a wide variety of words, using a variety of thoughts and ideas. When asked “why,” it is impossible to nod your head or point a finger. "How?" and why?" initiate a thinking process that ultimately leads to problem-solving skills.

    Read more about this in the book Thirty Million Words by Dana Suskind, Beth Suskind and Leslie Lewinter-Suskind. We develop a baby’s brain just by talking to him” (Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2016).

    1 A. Weisleder, A. Fernald “Talking to children matters: Early language experience strengthens processing and builds vocabulary.” Psychological Science, 2013, no. 24.

    2 G. Hollich, K. Hirsh-Pasek, and R. M. Golinkoff, “Breaking the language barrier: An emergentist coalition model for the origins of word learning,” Monographs of the Society for Research in Child Development 65.3, no. 262 (2000).

    About the expert

    Dana Suskind- pediatrician, professor, author of the book “Thirty Million Words. We develop a baby’s brain just by talking to him” (Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2016).