Why does a child often cry at home at school? School: why does the child cry and not let go of his mother?

Our child went to first grade. The first week everything was fine, but now she cries in class. At home we ask him why he is upset, but he remains silent or starts crying again. Tell me what to do?

It is no secret that for any first-grader the beginning of school is associated with quite strong emotional experiences: the daily routine and the requirements for yesterday’s preschooler have become more stringent, well-known teachers have given way to an as yet unfamiliar first teacher, the group of children has changed globally. Experience shows that not all children are ready for such changes.

Along the way, I will note that the year separating a 6-year-old child from a 7-year-old is very important for his mental development. It is by the age of seven that he already knows how to sufficiently regulate his behavior and acquires some responsibility, which is not the case in younger children.

The first bright days of school, which caused genuine delight, quickly flow into school everyday life. As a result, the first grader begins to get tired quickly, becoming whiny and irritable.

Experts identify the main criteria by which one can judge how well a child was able to adapt to the educational process. These include: the desire/unwillingness to carry out the teacher’s tasks (in other words, to learn), the preschool level of knowledge and skills, the desire for success or the banal desire to avoid failure, the ability to perceive, process and retain information received from the teacher, as well as the ability to plan, control and evaluate your activities.

According to the degree of adaptation, children can be divided into three main groups. Children belonging to the first group quickly join the team, making new friends. These guys are friendly, calm and fulfill the basic requirements of the teacher without visible tension. Children from the second group (they make up approximately a third of the total number of first-graders) have a longer period of adaptation, caused by their long-term rejection of the new learning situation, communication with the teacher and classmates. These schoolchildren can play in class, sort things out with someone in the class, and react painfully to the teacher’s comments with tears and resentment. The third group is children who adapt with significant difficulties. This is approximately every seventh child. Such children have great difficulty mastering educational material,

show their emotions, “disturb” teachers and children.
Psychologists call the first two or three weeks of school for a first-grader a “physiological storm”: during this time, the body responds with significant tension in almost all systems and produces a rather violent reaction, expressed in excessive tearfulness, fatigue, and irritability. Somewhat later, the student gradually adapts, noticeably calms down and learns to react correctly to the changed situation.

What advice can you give in this case?
1. If a child is excessively restless and whiny, then it makes sense to show him to a psychologist and a doctor;
2. If the child quickly gets tired and loses interest in the lesson, after which he behaves distractedly, then in this case you need to talk with the teacher so that he can offer the first-grader an individual schedule of work in the lesson;
3. If it is difficult for a child to wean himself off toys, then it is quite possible to allow him to take them with him to school, explaining that he can only play during recess;
4. Discreetly watch your child during a school trip. Try to understand for yourself the peculiarities of his communication with the teacher and classmates. This will help to correct possible problems in a timely manner;
5. Do not criticize a first-grader under any circumstances, support him and avoid imposing negative labels on him (incompetent, unhearing, lazy, etc.). By doing this, you will allow your child to feel confident and feel equal to his more successful peers;
6. Never send your child to first grade and to any club or section at the same time. It is better to start additional activities - creative or sports - a year before school or a year after it starts, by 2nd grade;
7.When doing homework, try to take a short break every 10-15 minutes. This will allow your child not to lose concentration while learning the subject on his own. The total duration of classes should not exceed one hour;
8. Show your child that you love him for who he is, and not for his achievements;
9.If possible, answer any questions your child may have honestly and patiently.
10. At least sometimes put yourself in the place of your child, and then you will begin to understand how to behave with him.
S. Harrison once said: “We are so carried away by educating our children that we have forgotten that the very essence of a child’s education is creating a happy life for him. After all, a happy life is what we wish with all our hearts for both our children and ourselves.”

The question was answered by SERGEY VLADIMIROVICH SARATOVSKY, psychologist, candidate of pedagogy. Sciences, specialist in the field of educational and family psychology.

Starting school is one of the most significant stages in your child’s life. At this stage he acquires a new social status. He becomes a student. At this time, he has new responsibilities, requirements, impressions, and new communication. All this is associated with great emotional stress. Naturally, it is necessary to take into account that the child spends most of his time at school. The school truly becomes a second home for him. Therefore, it is necessary to properly emotionally prepare a child for first grade.

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Photo gallery: School: why a child cries and does not let go of his mother

Dear mothers, I think that many of you have asked yourself the question: “When it’s time to go to school, why does the child cry and not let go of his mother?” Psychologists, considering this fairly common problem, come to the following conclusions.

Most recently, your child went to kindergarten or stayed at home with you. And then suddenly he finds himself in an unfamiliar environment. School causes him stress. Not only is the child in new conditions, he is also surrounded by a huge number of children. He may simply not be ready for so many new faces. Children adapt to school in different ways. They will have to spend some time getting used to the changes. On average, this requires 5 - 8 weeks. If your child is very active, then adaptation to the new environment will be faster. Children go to first grade mainly at the age of seven. Why is this age a crisis for most children? At this time, the child is assigned additional responsibility that he did not previously know. School requires him to grow up quickly, while he is much more interested in running around somewhere in the yard. This state of affairs contradicts his position in life. Indeed, it is difficult to get used to the fact that now his day is scheduled by the hour; the first grader cannot play, sleep, or eat whenever he wants. Now he must do all this on time, and with the permission of the teacher. The feeling of new acquired responsibility does not let him go.

Often the beginning of the school year becomes not just a difficult period in the life of a first-grader, but also psychologically traumatic. Any mother is concerned about the state of mind of her child. If a child cries, does not want to go to school, does not let his mother go, you need to psychologically support your child and set him up correctly. Try to put yourself in the child's shoes. Why should you like the changes that happened to you in one day and completely turned your whole life upside down? You are obliged to go to an establishment where you don’t know anyone, where no one knows you yet. Just yesterday all attention was paid only to you, but today there are dozens of other children around. You are constantly given some instructions that you need to follow. Many prohibitions appear. Add here possible conflicts, and the picture of school in the mind of a first-grader is not particularly pleasant. The child has to change himself, and in an incredibly short time. All this requires enormous costs, both physical and mental. At this time, the child sleeps poorly, loses weight, is capricious while eating, and sometimes cries. In addition, a first grader may withdraw into himself, express his inner protest, and refuse to follow discipline. He is haunted by the feeling of injustice. It is easier to prevent such a child’s condition than to change it.

Try to start developing independence in your child early. Let him start making some decisions himself. Then he will become confident. He will not develop the fear of not being able to cope with anything, the fear of making any mistakes. Often children do not start anything new because they do not want to look worse compared to other children. Therefore, developing in a child a sense of independence in decision-making will help him more easily enter the new stage of his life, called “school”. Try to create a daily routine for your child. Let him help you with this. Starting from the time when he needs to wake up, brush his teeth, do exercises, ending with bedtime. Determine with your child exactly when you will go for a walk and how much time it will take you; how much time he can play computer games; how much time to spend watching TV. You need to listen carefully to your child, empathize with his problems and experiences. Let him share with you the emotions of today. Don't force your first grader to immediately sit down for homework. He sat at his desk the whole school day. Now he needs to rest. Play active games. He needs to release his emotions, relieve tension and fatigue after the school day. Never do your child's work for him. Your task is to show how to properly pack a briefcase and where to put your school uniform. But he must do all this on his own. The child does not let go of the opportunity to shirk his responsibilities, so you need to discuss them with him in advance. Try not to use open criticism towards your child. Choose your words in such a way as not to offend him or deprive him of the desire to continue studying. Remember, the child should see you not as a teacher, but as a mother. Instead of teaching him, help him. If he cries, try to understand the problem. Take the side of his friend, whom he can rely on at any time. You are the one who sets your child up for learning, and for school in general. Discuss with your child what exactly he expects from school, from studying, from communicating with classmates. If his desires do not coincide with reality, gradually and delicately make your adjustments. You need to do this so subtly so as not to deprive the child of the desire to learn.

Kindergarten, elementary, middle and high school all go through this, these are inevitable stages of development for most children. Often, during the formation and change of educational institutions, children experience anxiety and fear. As a rule, in children of preschool and primary school age, fear manifests itself in whims, hysterics, attacks of anger or panic. Children of high school age, due to their fear of school and reluctance to attend it, may become gloomy or alienated, experience attacks of anger and panic. The reasons for fear of school and ways to eliminate it were the topic of our interview with Ekaterina Gennadievna Zhuk, a child and family psychologist with 12 years of experience.

MedPortal: Please tell us why children are afraid of school? After all, it is typical not only for first-graders, but also for children of senior school age? What are schoolchildren most often afraid of?

Ekaterina Gennadievna: Yes, fear of school is not only typical for children who go to school for the first time. The fears of first-graders and children of high school age may differ.

The fears of first-graders are mainly associated with ignorance of what awaits them and with the stories and ideas about school that adults share with them. Often, adults present school to children as a place where they will “deal with” the child, where they will “make a man” out of him, where they will finally take him to work. That is, adults form the idea in children that school will be difficult for them. By telling in vivid colors that the child will be given difficult tasks, parents contribute to the emergence of fear of school in their children.

It also happens that parents or adults who are responsible for caring for a child themselves have negative school experiences and therefore consciously or unconsciously pass them on to their children. When parents talk about their negative experiences with school, the child, who is inclined to trust his parents as a reliable source, knows in advance that he will not like it there. If in general there is an unfavorable tense situation in the family, or the child himself is anxious, then school is no different from any new activity - the child is afraid of it. A child is scared to go to school because it is something new: he will have to part with his familiar environment.

As for older children who have already gone to school, in addition to the reasons listed above for their fear of school, they may also have reasons related to difficulties in communicating with peers. Children may be afraid to go to school because there they will have to meet and communicate with those with whom they do not want to contact or are unable to do so.

The reason a child is afraid of school may be that he is afraid of the teacher or teachers.

The basis for the fear of going to school may be that the child is having a hard time with some school subjects. It is especially difficult for children who do not have help from their parents in this matter. In this case, children may be afraid to go to school, because they are afraid that they will not cope and will be scolded.

Peculiarities of parental behavior can also contribute to the development of fear of school in children. For example, with overprotective parents, children may be afraid to go to school, since excessive attention from parents will increase compared to what they had in the summer. The parents' strong desire for the child to be successful can also cause the child to fear school: he will be afraid of upsetting or angering his parents.

MedPortal: How to help a first-grader overcome fear?

Ekaterina Gennadievna: In September, of course, it is already a little late to talk about this, but I hope that the information will help parents of future first-graders. In order to help your child calmly meet a new stage of life, it is worth starting preparation for school in the spring and summer. Preparation for school should include familiarization with the school building and its internal structure. I recommend that parents of future first-graders organize an excursion to school for their child in advance: let the child get acquainted with the building, and, if possible, visit the classroom where classes will be held. It is important that by the time he comes to study, he knows how to behave at school, knows where the canteen, locker room, and toilet are. It’s even worth taking your child to the school toilet before classes start: after all, it’s different from the one at home, and the child may, due to not knowing how everything works there, feel embarrassed and even afraid to go there. School is everything new, and it’s good if this new thing is learned gradually.

It is important that the child has some skills by the time he has to go to school: that he knows how to dress and undress independently, knows where to put his spare shoes and how to handle his briefcase.

Even if parents intend to drop off and pick up their child from school every day, it is worth learning the route from home to the institution in advance with him: it may happen that he will need to get home from school on his own and vice versa. It will also be useful to teach your child how to use house keys and pocket money.

In order to properly set up a child before studying, parents should talk to him about school, describe the school from a positive side, talk about his positive and positive school experience. We must say why a child needs to attend school: to become smart, to be an adult and understand a lot and understand a lot. It is necessary to encourage your child to make new friends at school. If possible, it is good to introduce your child to some of his future classmates before the start of the school year.

I highly recommend involving both first-graders and older children in the purchase of school supplies: let the child have the opportunity to choose a backpack, school uniform, pens and covers to his taste. Buying things for the upcoming school year will help him develop an understanding that school is coming soon and there is no escape from it.

MedPortal: What if a child starts crying at school and asks to be taken home - not to be sent to lessons?

Ekaterina Gennadievna: Firstly, in order to prevent this from happening, preparation for school is necessary. The child must clearly understand that attending school is a mandatory process. If a child is crying at school, parents should take him to the teacher to bring him into class. It is important not to let your child understand that tears can be manipulated and there is a possibility that if he cries and throws tantrums, he will avoid school. The adaptation period for a first-grader can last up to six months.

MedPortal: If a child’s fear does not go away, and hysterics are repeated every day again and again, is it worth transferring him to home schooling?

Ekaterina Gennadievna: Parents should understand the causes of fear and eliminate them. If adaptation lasts more than six months, then you should seek advice from specialists - child psychologists.

As for home schooling, of course, it has advantages: the child will study in a familiar, comfortable environment, parents will be able to choose teachers, adjust the class schedule, but... I would recommend transferring to home schooling only those children who need it according to their needs. state of health. At school there are long-term contacts and relationships: grievances, quarrels, and reconciliations. When homeschooling, the child is deprived of this.

Homeschooling is not a solution for an unconnected child.

MedPortal: What if a child does not want to go to school after the summer holidays?

Ekaterina Gennadievna: Reluctance to go to school is normal. Parents should remember this: they also don’t want to return to work from vacation, or change the more measured rhythm of life for the hustle and bustle of work. Therefore, it is worth treating the reluctance to go to school with some understanding and giving children time to get used to it.

MedPortal: If a child complains about prejudice on the part of teachers, what is the best thing for parents to do: talk to teachers, attend lessons?

Ekaterina Gennadievna: To begin with, you should take control of this issue: check how the child prepares for a lesson with this teacher, whether he copes with the program, whether he completes all his homework and what grades he ultimately receives.

Next, you can talk with the parents of other children: find out if their children complain about this teacher, if their children have noticed a biased attitude towards a particular child. You should also not be afraid of talking with the teacher: it is important for parents to know the opinions of both sides.

MedPortal: And if a child cannot make friends at school, how can he be helped?

Ekaterina Gennadievna: First graders need to be taught how to make friends, how to get acquainted. It will be good if parents, in a relaxed atmosphere, tell their child how to introduce himself to another person and how to start a conversation. And in a situation where the child is overcome by embarrassment, he will remember the words of his parents and will be able to overcome himself and start a conversation. There are sociable children who will be the first to approach without hesitation and say: “Hello, I’m Sasha, let’s meet,” and there are those who not only won’t approach, but also won’t be able to answer.

If a child likes someone from the class, then parents can promote their friendship at the parental level: agree with the parents of the other child so that the children visit each other, study and play together.

MedPortal: We thank you for the interview.?

Ekaterina Gennadievna: I wish that readers’ appeals to psychologists and specialists in related fields would be for the purpose of curiosity and prevention, and not for the purpose of solving existing problems and suffering.

- The child went to school - first grade, or third, or sixth... And then several weeks passed and the child screams, throws hysterics: “I don’t want to go to school!” Should this alert parents?

Ekaterina Burmistrova

– First of all, we are, of course, talking about adaptation syndrome. We can talk about adaptation for a long time. We have very long holidays in Russia, three months. During this time, on the one hand, global rest and recovery occur. But, on the other hand, there is a global withdrawal.

Yes, first-graders need to get used to the new regime, to the new life. But in the end it turns out that almost everyone needs to get used to it in a new way. And parents too. Because everyone is in a period of adaptation: the daily schedule with morning getting up for those who were not supposed to get up early due to duty has not yet been restored, our habit of exertion and constant mobilization has not yet been restored.

Only we, unlike children, are afraid to cry. I read in one of my groups on social networks how my mother wrote: “I forbade saying the word “autumn” in front of me.” But more often than not, parents do not show their condition. Children have less of this psychological defense and all experiences are externalized.

So the first six to seven weeks are a period of adaptation, getting used to, when the child, teenager and parent spend much more energy on processes associated with the new schedule than they will spend later when they get used to it.

There is a very sharp contrast between rest time and the school year. Especially if the beginning of autumn is warm, like summer, but you need to stop everything and drive yourself into a classroom where it’s stuffy and hot.

– Besides adaptation, what could be the reasons?

– Immediately incorrectly planned schedule. Sometimes, right from the first week, without following any rules of adaptation, children, even elementary school students, are burdened with more than just school workloads. But second-graders are given homework from the second week, and they also have music school and sports training.

The main rule of adaptation is a measured increase in load.

Let's say you chose a program for yourself and compiled it. Yes, it's big. But you don’t need to take everything at once, from the first week. Usually teachers are loyal, you just need to talk. Take your time.

Recently I was walking down the street and heard a mother talking to a teenager. The teenager asked: “Mom, let’s at least have the first couple of weeks without a tutor. Let me now understand what I can handle on my own and what I need help with.” To which my mother replied: “No, we have an agreement. You are going right now, from the beginning of your studies.”

It happens that a child is simply not used to forcing himself

– A child may be disgusted by the fact that school is boring, you have to work there, there are responsibilities?

- Yes. We have a German education system, it is present in Russia and in most other countries and is not related to entertainment. This is a system that is based on some kind of coercion, on the fact that it is difficult, that you overcome difficulties, and these systematic efforts are part of education. If parents generally do not agree with this concept and they have a choice, then they need to look for something else.

There is family training, and there the schedule is built based on the needs of the family and the child. These are completely different rhythms. There are private schools where the child receives an individual approach and where you don’t have to make any effort at all. There are other education systems where they try to do without cramming and without a class-lesson system.

Just remember that each system has its own disadvantages.

And also that the ability to work is necessary in life. Moreover, work itself is not traumatic. A teacher’s bad attitude or overload can cause injury. It happens that a child is simply not used to forcing himself at all.

Photo: Sergey Beynik “First-grader” (fragment)

– But if the hysterics are strong, every day, the child categorically declares that he will not go to school? Transfer to another school, for family education?

– I wouldn’t make a decision until these one and a half to two months have passed. We need to try to figure out what else could be wrong. There can be many reasons for discomfort at school, besides adaptation: a new boy comes to class, noisy, pugnacious, and the child is afraid of him. Or some girl came who is a greater leader than your child.

Maybe something happened in terms of relationships with other children, maybe the teacher changed, maybe the locker room or class changed, maybe a new subject started with a strict teacher, maybe the lunch supplier changed and it became impossible to eat there . Or maybe the child has problems and cannot use the school toilet.

Hysteria may appear if grades have begun or the child has entered the fifth grade, but high school is completely different, a different life, different requirements. There can be many reasons, maybe some of them relate to your situation? But first of all, you need to exclude any moments of conflict with the teacher.

Or maybe the child has simply grown up to protest. Let’s say, in the first grade it didn’t occur to him that he might not want to go to school, but now he’s grown up and realized it. What is needed here from parents is an adequate response, an attitude that school is a necessary part of life...

So you don’t need to immediately run and pick up the child, but look at what’s happening, what’s the reason, whether psychosomatics have appeared - headaches or vomiting, for example. But, again, we first look for the reason and only then make a decision.

Mom is tired and decides: “Everything is bad, let’s go somewhere else.”

– How important is the attitude of parents towards studying at school?

– If parents are not sure that the school is a good place in general or, say, they believe that a particular school is not good enough for the child, this is very strongly transmitted to him, the child subtly senses the situation, even if this conversation takes place between adults in the kitchen in the evening or by phone.

That is, if you yourself have strong doubts and are very tired of school, this will not pass by the child and all moments of his resistance will be strengthened.

It is much easier for the child if the parents are determined to go through this period without fail. A parent can say that it’s hard for everyone now, including adults, they can talk about adaptation, that the usual path has been disrupted, neural chains have been disrupted and have not yet been restored.

– You’re used to getting up at half past nine, but now at 6.45 or 7 o’clock. Of course, it’s difficult for you, it’s clear that you don’t want anything, and the school is noisy. It takes time to get used to this noise. A person is designed in such a way that he needs time to get used to everything.

It happens, of course, that you are faced with the fact that the school is really not suitable. Something has changed, or the child has entered some vulnerable stage, suffered from something, and began to develop some neurotic manifestations. But even here the decision to leave should not be very quick.

You need to act immediately in situations involving violence on the part of a teacher.

And if a child really develops aversion to school, it won’t go away in two months. The job of adults is to observe, advise, perhaps reduce the workload, but not think out loud in front of the child whether school is suitable for him. Because this is a very strong destabilization for children.

The decision to withdraw your child from school must be a very slow one. If you leave a situation in which there is a feeling that you did not cope, there is a risk that this situation where you do not cope will transfer to another training system.

– When, in your opinion, is it worth switching to another school or homeschooling?

– It is important that time passes, and it is better to leave in a stable, good situation, when in principle you can stay, but another option is simply more suitable for you. Because the feeling of failure and the desire to escape from difficulties at the first emotional breakdown is a strategically very dubious choice.

Yes, I repeat, there are emergency situations when you really need to leave, for example, when the teacher is aggressive or hysterical.

But still, more often than not, in the first emotional wave, the child is usually taken away because the mother is tired, and then the child resists. Mom decides: “Everything is bad, let’s go somewhere else.” And after some time, difficulties, the same or others, may appear in another place.

If a child is pulled out every time and he does not completely successfully go through the adaptation syndrome, he develops the habit of jumping out at a time of difficulty. And this is very bad.

So the decision to leave school must be made with a calm head: “That’s it, we took everything here, we don’t need to come here anymore.”

Sometimes it is the parents who need to sort out their problems. Maybe there are some problems in the family, the parents are in crisis, and the child takes them on, including to school. So sometimes you first need to solve, mitigate problems in the family, and then problems with school will become much milder.