The main secret of communicating with people. Dale Carnegie

It's no secret that communication plays a significant role in our lives. Without building business connections, it is difficult to build a career, and even in Everyday life By not being able to build communications with others, we create additional difficulties for ourselves. On this topic in 1936, Dale Carnegie wrote a wonderful book called How to Win Friends and Influence People, which is still relevant today. The book teaches how to learn how to communicate correctly, make friends, maintain useful contacts and generally influence people. The book lists many ways to improve your communication and speaking skills. modern language, tips for networking are provided. We present to your attention what we believe are the key ideas from this book.

Reading time: 2 minutes

1. Show sincere interest in your interlocutor.

Don’t try to talk only about yourself, listen to others, ask questions, be interested in their life and hobbies. The manifestation of live human attention will contribute to the formation of friendly relations. People love to talk about themselves, and you will give them great pleasure by listening to their story.

2. Address your interlocutor by name as often as possible, because the sound of a name is one of the most pleasant sounds for any person. At the beginning of meeting, be sure to ask for the name and remember it.

3. Choose a topic for conversation based on the interests of the interlocutor

The best way to win someone over is to have a conversation on a topic that interests your interlocutor. If there is such an opportunity, then first study information about what the person is interested in, what he is interested in. Everyone dreams of finding a like-minded person with similar interests, and matching interests can easily develop into friendship.

4.Smile more

A sincere, friendly smile will help you win over stranger and makes you want to start communicating. Friendly people always attract attention.

5. Praise people.

Say nice things to others, praise their strengths, find complimentary qualities in others and emphasize them. Everyone loves praise, and the way to the heart of your interlocutor often lies through a compliment. But do not overdo it, the compliment must be sincere, because the falseness is immediately felt. Compliment and flattery are completely different things, so don't reduce praise to ingratiation.

6. Avoid criticism

Nobody likes to be criticized, criticism rarely brings positive results, rather it hardens a person against you. Remember that there are no perfect people and everyone has flaws. Try to communicate in a positive way.

7. Respect other people's opinions

Anyone has the right to their own opinion, and even if their opinion differs from yours, this is not a reason to treat them with disrespect and aggression. We are all different, and accordingly, due to differences in views, opinions also differ. In any case, you should respect the opinions of others and not demand recognition only that you are right.

8.Ability to listen

It is no coincidence that the ability to listen has long been considered a sign of a good interlocutor. In any conversation, listen more than you talk, and you will gain the reputation of being an interesting person to talk to.

Subject effective communication is quite extensive, here we have given only some of Carnegie’s ideas. Therefore, we recommend reading this book and wish you success in making new acquaintances and maintaining friendships.

Even if you just read Dale Carnegie’s advice and get acquainted with the laws and rules of communication he developed, you will already be well-versed to begin to succeed in the art of pleasing people. But you will achieve success much faster and easier if you undergo training to develop specific communication skills. After all, very often it is the lack of practice that is a stumbling block for us! We get theoretical knowledge and we believe that now we have no obstacles to success... But for some reason we still don’t dare to apply this knowledge in real life, or we try to apply them, but give up at the first failure, fearing to experiment further.

This manual is designed to help you take a step from theory to practice. Do you find it difficult to immediately begin to apply knowledge in your everyday communication? Would you like to practice these skills in a quiet environment first? If so, this book is for you. You don’t need to go to courses and seminars - any place convenient for you can become yours classroom. Train at home, in a comfortable chair, on your favorite sofa, or in any other comfortable environment for you! This will be a kind of rehearsal before your decisive exit into the world, where you will come already confident, comprehensively savvy and ready for success, which will not keep you waiting.

Ten training lessons according to the Dale Carnegie system are structured so as not to deviate one iota from the rules, laws and postulates bequeathed to us by this great man - and at the same time enrich them with the practical part that naturally follows from theoretical provisions. The lessons are easy to understand, presented in a clear, accessible language and allow you to easily practice techniques and skills that you can easily implement in your everyday communication.

In the appendix to this book you will find a description of the typical difficulties that people have when mastering Dale Carnegie's rules, and tips on how to cope with these difficulties.

Brief cheat sheets for each rule will help you remember the advice of the master of communication throughout the day.

Criticism is dangerous game, which can cause an explosion in the powder magazine of pride.

Be honest: do you like being criticized? When someone points out your flaws and convinces you that you are wrong?

Unless you are lying to yourself, you will not answer “yes” to this question.

Of course, there is useful and constructive criticism, but it is usually expressed in a soft, non-offensive form and is more likely to be good advice than criticism. It can really be useful to listen to such criticism in order to change something for the better in yourself, in your life or work. But now we are talking about a different kind of criticism - offensive, insulting, when they show us that we are not good enough. Such criticism is unpleasant, and be honest with yourself - you are unlikely to want to continue dealing with a person who attacks you with it. You will not want to communicate with him and, of course, you will never call him your friend.

A person who criticizes you pushes you away from himself - this is the law.

Naturally, this law also applies when you are the critic. You alienate the people you criticize. Even if you are sure you are right. But they have strong arguments in favor of their rightness. Arguments you don't want to see. Therefore, the people you criticize will not agree that you are right, and perhaps in the future they will try not to have anything to do with you at all.

Try to analyze your motives: what do you want to achieve when you criticize another? Do you want him to admit he's wrong? To agree with your rightness? To feel guilty and thank you for exposing him?

Realize that your expectations are completely unrealistic. The other person won't thank you for your criticism. He will just start avoiding you.

Dale Carnegie in his book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” says that even criminals, gangsters and murderers very often quite sincerely consider themselves wonderful people who have not done anything wrong to anyone. Thus, one of them, about whom they said that he could kill a person for just a sniff of tobacco, wrote the following words about himself: “Under my jacket is a tired but kind heart that will not harm anyone.” But if even criminals do not condemn themselves, then what can we say about ordinary respectable people? It is human nature to justify oneself always and in everything, to avoid judging oneself, and to disagree with criticism and accusations. And anyone who criticizes and accuses automatically begins to be perceived as an enemy.

Criticizing others is the right way to be left alone. We all know those fighters for truth and champions of justice who literally spew anger for any reason. When people turn away from them, they begin to consider themselves innocent victims who suffered for the truth. In fact, they are victims of their own inability to behave.

If it seems to us that by criticizing others we are helping them to realize the wrongness of their behavior and avoid mistakes, we are in the grip of an illusion. Criticism, even if you criticize with good intentions, is not good for anyone. Even if a person is guilty, he will not admit it, but will start arguing with you. You'll put him on the defensive and end up making an enemy - that's all you'll achieve.

To criticize another means not to respect his right to be himself, to behave as he sees fit. This means not respecting his right to make his own mistakes - and each of us has this right! And no one has the right to forbid us to do what we want, even if our behavior is wrong and erroneous.

Criticism is useless, because it puts a person in a defensive position and encourages him to look for an excuse for himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it hurts a person’s precious sense of self-worth, it deals a blow to his idea of self-importance and arouses in him a feeling of resentment and indignation.

Dale Carnegie. "How to Win Friends and Influence People"

You need to refrain from criticism not only because it will alienate people from you, but also because you cannot predict in advance what consequences your criticism will have for this or that person. Everyone is different, some will simply dismiss you and your criticism as annoying fly and will continue to live as if nothing had happened, and someone may receive a severe mental wound that will not heal for the rest of their lives. There are known cases when talented artists, writers, and musicians simply stopped working because of cruel criticism. There are even cases when criticism becomes the cause of a person’s death - from offensive, unfair criticism, many sensitive people can become fatally ill, or even commit suicide.

Always remember this when you are about to criticize someone. Remember that with your criticism you will inevitably ruin your relationship with the object of your attacks and, possibly, inflict on him a painful, non-healing wound.

Many people don't even realize how often they make negative comments, judgments, and criticisms about other people. We sometimes criticize automatically, without noticing it, and do not understand why others are offended by us. What can we do, we grew up and were brought up in a society where criticism and condemnation of others is considered the norm, although in reality this, of course, is not the norm at all. You yourself can remember cases when criticism, even fair, not only did not improve relationships, but spoiled them.

How to Win Friends and Influence People, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, How to Build Confidence and Influence People by Speaking in Public - these and other books made Dale Carnegie one of the most popular psychologists in the world. 80 years have passed since then, but Carnegie’s advice has not become less relevant.

So, how can you become the most pleasant person to talk to and get what you want from people?

Rule #1 - refuse criticism

“Criticizing is a sure way to make enemies,” writes Dale Carnegie. Do you want to be alone? Criticize. You are not a champion of justice, but a victim of inability to behave.

“Criticism is useless, because it puts a person in a defensive position and encourages him to look for an excuse for himself. Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person’s precious sense of self-justification, attacks his sense of self-worth, and arouses in him a feeling of resentment and indignation.”

How to refrain from criticism? Just pause and take a deep breath, hold your breath, exhale slowly, count to 10 and only then continue the conversation. You will be surprised that you can completely do without another barb.

Rule #2 – Sincerely admire people

You will very quickly win the favor of someone you sincerely admire. Sincerely, people often misunderstand this advice, flatter and fawn. According to Carnegie, this rule is the most important.

“Everyone is worthy of admiration, including you,” wrote Carnegie.

Rule #3 - Show interest in people

Show sincere interest and you will receive the same in return. Carnegie told the story of magician Howard Thurston. He was successful in his craft because he did not mistake the audience for “village ignoramuses,” but was grateful to them for coming to see him. Before each appearance on stage, he says to himself: “I love my audience.”

Rule #4 - give people what they want

If you want to receive something, do not make a request, but offer help. It works. The one who can take the place of another person and follows this rule will achieve everything.

Rule #5 - smile

Always smile before starting a conversation. This way you will get a tremendous advantage - you will win the person over, help him relieve tension, and become more open in communication.

People love those who smile, who feel happy. What does it take to become happy? Dale Carnegie is convinced - absolutely nothing. “Our life is what our thoughts make it,” wrote Carnegie.

Rule No. 6 - learn to put yourself in other people's shoes

“Three quarters of the people you meet tomorrow want sympathy. Show it and they will love you."

Dale Carnegie believed that there is only one way to influence a person. Put yourself in his place, understand why he thinks this way - and only then look for common ground.

Rule #7 - admit your mistakes

“When we feel that they are going to give us a good thrashing, isn’t it better to get ahead of the accuser and do it ourselves?”

Carnegie told his students about a soap salesman. His product was good, his price was good, but his sales were poor. Then he began to visit failed clients and ask them what he had done wrong. He learned a lot of useful things for himself, made friends with people - and in the end, of course, became the president of a large soap company.

Rule No. 8 - appeal to nobility and be noble yourself

See the good in a person and he will become your friend. People treat us the same way we treat them. Try - at least for fun - to convince a person that he is good and noble.

Rule No. 9 - abandon the commanding tone

Carnegie offers the following algorithm: think about the action you want to entrust to a colleague, acquaintance or family member. Is he/she ready to do this? Do you have the strength, experience, knowledge?

State the problem in the form of a question. Not “do this”, but “How can we do this?”, “Would you like to participate with me in solving this problem?”

During the work process, give maximum independence - both in business and in assessment. You can advise, but not command or control. Not “work hard,” but “how do you evaluate the results of your work?”

Encourage participants - financially (not necessarily with money) or simple gratitude.

Rule No. 10 - learn to praise and approve of other people

Carnegie formulated several rules for how best to praise people. Compliments should be: friendly - without irony or subtext, with a sense of proportion and varied, specific and sincere.