Mikhail Labkovsky: “The only point in living in marriage is only out of great love. Lecture by Mikhail Labkovsky on how to avoid being a victim

2. The sense of security that a child should receive in childhood is the most important condition for his future mental health and life without neuroses.

But what kind of security can we talk about if parents are unpredictably aggressive or predictably negative? Things are always bad for them. The atmosphere in the family is one of anticipation of disaster. Something is about to happen right now. If you fall, crash, get poisoned, die from an infection, “you’ll get hit by a Kamaz truck, it will smear you on the asphalt,” if you don’t go to college, you’ll work as a loader at Pyaterochka.

Here they are - “minor” psychotraumas! Their reason is not necessarily a hot iron or incest. Negative remarks cause deeper trauma because they are constantly repeated. You know, there are European tortures - racking, beatings, and there are Chinese ones, when an immobilized person, for example, is tickled with a feather until he goes crazy. It's the same difference.

Mikhail Labkovsky Pulse-uk.org.uk

3. Most of Psychotrauma occurs between the ages of 3 and 5 years.

4. One-time psychological trauma is when: a child is left in dark room and he was afraid; he threw boiling water over himself; Mom and Dad divorced; grandmother's funeral and other ordinary everyday stories, including violence - mental, physical, sexual.

5. There are recurring psychotraumas when a child lives among neurotics who suffer every day or behave aggressively, unpredictably, insecurely, etc. Or in kindergarten or school he is bullied, offended, that is, a repeating situation.

6. Not all children react to psychological trauma in the same way. One child’s psyche may be stronger, another’s weaker. For some, even a serious tragedy leaves no trace, while others are traumatized for life by the death of a kitten.

I once had to explain to a 7-year-old child what divorce is in order to help him cope with psychological trauma. I speak:

What grade are you in?
- In the first.
- Do you like any of the girls?
- Yes. Lisa.
- And in kindergarten walked?
- Did you meet Lisa there?
- No, I had Lena there.
-Where is she now?
- I’ll explain it to you! I’m already at school, how do I know where Lena is?
- Here. And dad should live with your mother all his life, so what?

And then he stopped crying, interrupted the reception, went out to his parents, who were waiting in the corridor, and said: I understand everything, let’s go...

7. Stability, comfort, trust - this is what children should receive from their parents first of all. If parents behave aggressively, humiliate, criticize the child, then his trust in life in general and in people in particular is naturally undermined. I have one friend who says specifically: I hate people. She picks up dogs and cats, and it’s clear why: the animals didn’t betray her, but dad did.

8. A lot of people suffer from communication problems: it is difficult for them to approach another, say something, convey their thoughts and emotions, and as a result it is difficult to realize themselves. And why? But because at the age of 4 they already approached their drunken mother, and she unequivocally spoke out about the inappropriateness of the child’s question, and about the inappropriateness of the child himself in this world. And she did this many times. Now the boy is 30, and it is clear that he does not even think about confidential communication with anyone.

9. Psychotrauma primarily creates a feeling of fear and anxiety, which results in phobias, panic attacks and distrust of people.

10. If we take a complete but neurotic family, and a family without a father, then with psychological point From a perspective, the second is definitely preferable.

11. Yes, the roots of many problems come from childhood. But parents are who they are. They raised you the best they could. You can't change them, you have to change yourself! - rewrite children's script, grow out of it.

12. If you

• unable to trust anyone;
• you don’t know how to express your feelings;
• emotionally depressed (“I can’t fall in love,” “I don’t feel anything”);
• you cannot realize yourself either in your family or in your profession;
• don’t want (or are afraid) to have children;
• you are prone to depression, etc.

Perhaps all these are consequences of childhood psychotrauma.

It is important to me that you know that you do not have to spend your entire life paying for your unhappy childhood. And almost everything can be fixed.

On February 9, a public talk “The Art of Simple Pleasures” was held in Moscow. Mikhail Labkovsky became a special guest of the event, during which he shared with those present what the key to a happy life is: you need to allow yourself to do what you want. And the popular singer and TV presenter Anton Lavrentyev advised how to bring these pleasant STAXmoments into your life. The meeting was organized by the Lay’s STAX brand.

Mikhail Labkovsky

It is no coincidence that the famous expert on a happy life Mikhail Labkovsky became a guest of the public talk Lay’s STAX. He fully shares the philosophy of the potato chips brand: the simple pleasures of life, like watching your favorite movie or meeting loved ones, need to be made even more enjoyable. It is on such small but necessary moments that our emotional condition, so there should be as many of them as possible.

An important rule of a happy life according to the author’s method of Mikhail Labkovsky is to always follow your desires.

In his opinion, we constantly adhere to social stereotypes and various restrictions, and this has a bad effect on us. Thus, we are deprived of many simple pleasures and do not experience the necessary joy.

“You shouldn’t be afraid to live by the rule - do what you like, choose what you love. After all, a life full of pleasant moments is happy life", explains Mikhail Labkovsky.

Anton Lavrentiev

Singer and TV presenter Anton Lavrentyev also took part in the public talk. Important principle his life is to follow his desires in order to dilute everyday life with moments of pleasure as often as possible. During filming in the program “Heads and Tails. Shopping” Anton Lavrentyev has a peculiar ritual that he still performs.

“After a hard day, I sit down in a comfortable chair, take a pack of delicious chips and read a book or watch a movie. We can say that this is my personal and very pleasant #STAXmoment,” said Anton Lavrentyev.

Mikhail Labkovsky and Anton Lavrentiev

New Lay's STAX chips are a premium product. Both the brand philosophy and the concept of creating these chips are based on the principle of making life more enjoyable. And tasty, convenient slices and original, bright packaging of Lay’s STAX only increase the pleasure of any event.

In Russia, chips are available in several flavors: “ Green onions", "With salt", "Sour cream and onions", "Crab".

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How to become happy. Ten tips from Mikhail Labkovsky. Advice from one of the most popular psychologists, on a topic that Mikhail Labkovsky considers the main one in psychology. It's about the ability to enjoy life. About why we are unhappy, what obstacles stand in our way and what needs to be changed to become happy.

#1.How to become happy: Don't be afraid to be happy

Most people live in families where it is not customary to enjoy life, it is not customary to say that everything is fine with you. Our parents' inability to rejoice and smile is passed on to us, and we believe that this is how life works.

Another of our tricks is the idea that if you had a good time, you will definitely have to pay for it. We are afraid to enjoy life and associate it with something vicious.

#2.How to become happy: Stop feeling sorry for yourself

When you tell others about your problems, what do you want? You want to complain, not solve it. The cult of suffering is another of our features. It is easier for us to suffer than to live happily.

A healthy person either accepts the situation or changes it. Neurotic - does not accept and does not change. Take, for example, a physical illness that really prevents you from enjoying life.

But healthy people get treatment, and neurotic people want to get sick because they get a reason to feel sorry for themselves. People are ready to die on the road, because being treated means wanting to live and have fun.

#3.How to become happy: Separate real problems from imaginary ones

Neurotic from healthy person differs in that a healthy person worries about real problems, and a neurotic person worries about non-existent ones. It's almost like a hobby - inventing a problem for yourself and suffering from it all day.

#4 How to become happy:. Don't try to help everyone around you

The desire to help others arises because you do not believe that you can be loved for nothing. By helping others you try to raise your own self-esteem. Therefore, unless you are asked, it is better not to touch people with your hands. Focus on those who really need help.

Neurotics cannot distinguish between addiction and love. Photo: Daria Popova

#5.How to be happy: Don't talk when you're not asked

When you answer questions that are not asked, you are revealing your anxiety. Once I was walking with a girl past a disgusting store called “Wardrobe” and she said: “What a Nice dress“, and after a minute of my silence: “I knew that you were not a man.”

By the way, she is one hundred percent woman. But if she asked to buy, I would buy, and if in such situations you immediately run to the cash register, you are an insecure person.

#6.How to become happy: Separate love from addiction

People never give up what they love. Take smoking, for example. I smoked for 37 years, and for the last 10, three packs a day. Once I quit for an hour and forty, when the doctor said that I would soon be done.

I stopped smoking when I told myself that I don't like cigarettes, I'm just addicted to them. Neurotics cannot distinguish between addiction and love.

#7.How to become happy: Routine is not always bad

I've been doing the routine (lecturing) for 35 years and I feel great because I conservative person. Remember that Rabinovich asked the prisoner: “Why are you walking around the cell all the time, do you think you’re not sitting?”

Neurotics cannot live in peace, they constantly rush about, they are afraid of not being able to do something, and they receive a fifth-grade education. When the opportunity arises to do nothing, they become uncomfortable.

#8.How to become happy: Change yourself, not others

This, first of all, concerns raising children. You cannot do something with your children without doing anything to yourself. They don't perceive what you say, they perceive what you do and how you behave with others.

I advised a 70-year-old woman who did not understand why her son was 40 and did not call. It turned out that even at 15 she annoyed him by imposing her scripts on him. Therefore, remember what the flight attendant says on the plane - first put a mask on yourself, then on your children.

#9.How to become happy: Take criticism more easily

Remember how you are sitting on the subway and your grandmother comes in. The carriage looks at you with hatred, and you fly out of the place like a catapult. Why are you doing this, because your grandmother is not asking you to give in?

It's a matter of low self-esteem and fear of being convicted in absentia. Experiment and don't get up if you don't want to. No matter what they say - that you are unscrupulous, that you have never encountered such crap in your life, do not react. Over time, you will understand that someone else's assessment can be ignored.

#10.How to become happy: Do only what you want

The classic example with children is when you play with them because you have to - because I good man, therefore, must play. Stop it. Play when you want, and when you don't want, don't play. Children also feel when you are not interested, and guilt is not love. Take care of your children when you want and as much as you want. You already have a lot of responsibilities.

The “Direct Speech” lecture hall begins a series of events in 2016 and in January invites family psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky, one of the most sought-after and expensive specialists in Moscow, to lectures and consultations.

Many of you may have listened to his programs on radio “Echo of Moscow” or read texts in “Snob”, and on January 30 and 31 all Londoners will have the opportunity to listen to Labkovsky in person and ask questions. It is also possible to schedule a personal consultation with him. Topics of Mikhail's London speeches: .

Mikhail Labkovsky wrote an essay about self-esteem especially for Russian Gap.

Attention! We increase self-esteem!

I don’t even know if there are still people in the world who doubt that absolutely everything in life depends on how a person treats himself. I have been practicing for 30 years and continue to be convinced of this every day.

Neither our appearance, nor any of the most remarkable abilities and talents affect the attitude of people and the world towards us. Only how we feel about ourselves and what we broadcast...

And so, day after day, I watch how the fair sex frantically struggles over the supposed shortcomings of their appearance. Men also sometimes fight, but not very selflessly - it’s not so important for them to be beautiful as to earn money.

Women torture themselves with diets and exercise equipment, inject anything into their faces, and wear monstrous heels. That's still okay. But plastic! Surgeon's knife! Such self-mockery is equated to masochism, and those who engage in this are simply unfortunate victims who are ready to do anything to be loved. Absolutely.

Yes. Any manipulation with your appearance, from self-tanning to liposuction, is a demonstration of self-doubt and a step towards narcissistic disorder.

And this is a very unpleasant disorder, when life is not sweet without universal and every minute approval, or better yet, admiration, and even better, adoration.

The worst thing is that for victims of the beauty industry, the measure of self-esteem is not appearance at all, but the presence or absence of a partner of certain parameters. By the way, about partners: the lower the man’s self-esteem, the higher value it gives the appearance of a wife or mistress. Self-confident people practically don’t care.

I don’t understand at all why endure, for example, painful Botox injections, when all world history, science and everyday experience simply scream that your appearance (as well as high moral qualities) does not play ANY ROLE in love, attraction, sex and the attitude of others towards us. There's a different trick there. Below I will tell you why.

Well, everyone knows who John Lenon married and adored - a man who could choose any woman in the world. And now remember Yoko Ono. Her appearance is very peculiar, even for Japanese tastes.

What about Paul McCartney and Heather Mills? This girl doesn’t even have one leg, but she managed to marry one of the richest and most jaded suitors in the world. (Also rob him).

And no one can be suspected that he did not have sex with beautiful people.

And at the same time, there are so many beautiful and very unhappy people around. And the most beautiful (okay, the sexiest) woman on earth, about whom 90% of the male population of this planet dreamed, whose portrait was carried in the breast pockets of American army soldiers in Vietnam - Marilyn Monroe - died of loneliness and alone. And in general I had a bunch of psychological problems. And it was Marilyn who said: “ I was not used to being happy and therefore did not consider happiness something obligatory for myself.».

Hence the question: do you want to be beautiful or happy? If the latter, you need to work not on your appearance, but on your self-esteem.

Love yourself with any appearance, and then your appearance can really be anything! This is the law. “...you love us black, and everyone will love us white,” as it is written by Gogol.

You see, appearance is a very subjective concept. APPEARANCE IS ONLY WHAT YOU FEEL WHEN LOOKING AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR...“I like myself” or “I don’t like myself” - that is the question.

Yes, love, like self-dislike, does not arise out of nowhere, and all this comes from childhood - hello to the parents. If a person cannot tolerate being rejected, if he is a priori sure that people MUST like him, and for this he MUST be good, it is clear that he has no idea about unconditional (and the only true) love. Mom and Dad loved this for a reason! Not because he was born and exists in the world... They didn’t kiss his ass and say that he was the most beautiful child in the world. Noooo. Directly or indirectly, they conveyed to him a false idea of ​​\u200b\u200bgoodness, from which it follows that love must be earned, and even better, earned daily. And for this...

“I will be a wonderful housewife, I will learn how to cook deliciously, I will look like candy, and then someone will definitely notice my “human” talent!” – this is what most Russian women think, not necessarily out loud.

My dears! No one will love you for your luxurious eyelashes, borscht and cutlet and easy-going character. They love you for something else!

As they say, “Good girls go to heaven, and bad girls go wherever they want.”

Besides, don’t you understand how unnaturally you behave when you stupidly want to be liked? Behind this behavior it is completely impossible to discern what kind of person he really is, but you can always sense tension and read dissatisfaction and dissatisfaction with oneself. Normal people are alarmed and repulsed by all this. But self-confidence, on the contrary, attracts and does not let go. But it's not just about confidence. For falling in love, love or passion to happen, a person must, as they say, “get hooked.” And it’s not the ideal shape of the nose that catches you, slim stomach or beautiful hair (except at the first moment, at which everything may end). Unconsciously, something from childhood catches your attention, an association, similarity, smell, gesture, manner of fiddling with a button, timbre of voice, in a word, some detail reminiscent of the parental home and the parent of the opposite sex. This association, by the way, does not necessarily have to be happy. And all the tricks, plastics, outfits and virtues are powerless against this...

For love there is no appearance, there is only character, “balls”, will, loyalty to oneself. This is the only thing in short supply in this world. And only this arouses interest, respect, desire.

And if you lack all this, there is only one way out - to be yourself. Develop your individuality and personal qualities. Don't compromise. Well, at least don’t mock yourself, don’t act like a victim!

Your appearance is only your self-esteem.

What you need to know about self-esteem? That if yours is low, then your life is hard.

Symptoms of low self-esteem:

• you feel inferior, you are consumed by feelings of guilt and humiliation;
• you are sure that people are unfair to you, and life in general is even more unfair to you;
• it seems to you that you are married to the wrong person, work in the wrong place and for the wrong salary;
• children do not meet your expectations;
• deep down in your soul you understand that you were born for a different life, but your enemies, ill-wishers, obligations and circumstances do not allow you to unfold into the full power of your destiny;
• you are often tormented by envy;
• you constantly compare yourself with others, and comparisons are always not in your favor;
• the choice of everything - from socks to work and apartment - is flawed (“for me this is too much”, “I don’t deserve more”);
• you are dependent on the opinions of others.

If any of the above is characteristic of you, rest assured that this is it: low self-esteem.

Let's remember who inspired you that you don't deserve the best? The mother who explained everything about the hereditary shortcomings of your figure and your character when you were still in kindergarten? Or maybe this was the first teacher who liked to repeat that “in forty years of working at school she had never seen such a stupid child”? Or the first love, which ended in failure, for which you were blamed (“It’s all because of you! No one would last long with such a collection of claims and complexes as you!”), Or the first wife (husband), or the boss, or the person who interviewed you for that position?

And now what i can do?

First, realize that it is your problem, and not life that is so unfair.

Secondly, stop feeling sorry for yourself and blaming everyone around you for your problems.

And most importantly, start following your desires, aspirations, dreams. Cultivate your difference from others and not be ashamed of anything about yourself.

Okay, the little scary dude will say, you say everything correctly, and I sign every word and I can read it a hundred times, but it won’t increase my self-confidence. What to do? To which I will answer that you certainly need to work on accepting yourself as you are. Well, for example, try to provide yourself with maximum psychological comfort, respect your desires, devote time (and money) to yourself, try to enjoy life, get a taste of it, taste it, enjoy it.

The task is to independently fill the lack of love, to fill the voids that formed in childhood and adolescence. Directly set such a goal for yourself, consider it a priority, vitally important, and do not wait for others to make you happy.

Others will appear in your life and want to do you good exactly when you yourself feel your importance.

Text: Mikhail Labkovsky

Cover photo: “Dove for real beauty” campaign

Mikhail Labkovsky can currently be considered not only a professional psychologist, but also one of the most popular media personalities. Of his more than thirty years of professional experience, he has been conducting sessions for two decades not only traditional methods communication with the patient in the office, but also consults in live television and radio broadcasts.

The high rating of Labkovsky's programs, sold-out lectures that he gives abroad - all this allows us to speak about the high professionalism of Mikhail Alexandrovich. Many claim that public communication with this specialist can radically improve their lives, and that during a quick impromptu dialogue with Labkovsky they received much top scores than during lengthy and repeated consultations. At the same time, the statements of the popular psychologist are in many ways at odds with the traditional rules that are usually instilled in childhood, and to a certain extent one can discern a fair amount of selfishness and anarchy in them. However, Mikhail Labkovsky is convinced that he has become aware of the recipe for how to become happy and successful.

Details of your biography famous psychologist prefers not to go into detail. He is a native Muscovite, born in 1961 (June 17). In Mikhail’s own words, his childhood and youth could not be called serene. Therefore, the choice of specialty as a psychologist after graduating from school was dictated not so much by interest in this profession, but by the desire to solve my own problems. In addition to the disciplines officially taught at the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University, Mikhail independently began to understand the basics of psychoanalysis, which in those years was not yet officially recognized. Deal with your complexes young man succeeded, and he realized that he could help others with this. After defending his thesis, he was assigned to a position school psychologist, collaborated with several educational institutions. Labkovsky, in particular, worked at the capital’s school No. 1543, which became famous thanks to the film “A Tender Age.” The script of this film is based on true events that became known to director Solovyov from his son, who studied at this educational institution and subsequently played the main character.

Mikhail Labkovsky got married and had a daughter, Irina. However, it turned out that the fundamentals of psychoanalysis that he professionally mastered did not always fit the real family life, and periods of estrangement between close people were not uncommon. The psychologist decided to master new, more advanced techniques. He moved to Israel, where he took another course in psychology and received an international degree. At the same time, Mikhail began working with difficult teenagers in the Jerusalem city colony. A contingent of this educational institution there were minors of different nationalities with big problems in behavior. Rarely a day in the colony passed without conflicts, which often took on a dangerous character. It was at this time that Labkovsky understood the main mistake of traditional psychology, which claims that a person’s character cannot be changed as he grows up. In his daily work he often succeeded.

The next step Professional growth for Mikhail was the acquisition of a legal education. He needed this to specialize in international family law. After which Labkovsky became an employee of the Family Mediation service, specializing in divorce proceedings, and accompanied the spouses’ negotiations on the division of property and child custody.

Having gained extensive experience in practical work, Mikhail returned to Moscow. Realizing how important the role of psychological and legal support for divorce processes is, he created his own consultation, specializing in the intricacies of marriage contracts, reaching settlement agreements, protecting the interests of children and similar problems. In addition, Mikhail Labkovsky began to appear frequently on various radio stations, and since 2004 he became the permanent presenter of Echo of Moscow. His programs, especially “Adults about Adults,” aroused great interest among listeners. Currently, the psychologist is actively working in in social networks, gives lectures, constantly hosts programs on “Silver Rain” and the “Culture” channel.

The author's form of Labkovsky's work is public consultations of listeners on their psychological problems. He is distinguished by brilliant improvisation, a sense of humor and an accurate grasp of the essence of the problem, the solution to which he cites with examples from life - both his own and those of public people. His recommendations are practical, focused on a specific listener, and the questions that the psychologist asks allow one to understand the problem no worse than his answers. Listeners claim that Labkovsky’s technique allows them to change their lives, as well as family relationships in better side without radical personality transformations and high costs.

So what is the secret of the success of Labkovsky’s technique? It was formulated in the form of six basic rules, which are based on a very simple principle: a person must first think about himself. Contrary to popular belief, suffering does not ennoble or elevate the soul; it only brings aggression into consciousness, gives rise to neuroses and fears, fetters actions and depresses consciousness. True happiness comes to a person only if he does what he likes and what he has a desire for, and not when he is urged on by the words “I must” and “I can’t.”

The formation of a harmonious personality is based on love, first of all, for oneself, including one’s imperfections. You don’t need to love all of humanity, including your enemies - this feeling is given only to those who, in turn, answer you in kind. We should not forget that no one has ever managed to earn love by bending under someone else. A family that is based only on a sense of duty, obligations to observe traditions and conform to social stereotypes inevitably gives rise to neuroses and complexes not only in spouses, but also in their children. There is only one way to stop walking in this vicious circle - to love yourself, your desires, not to give in and not to have complexes about not conforming to established stereotypes.

According to Labkovsky himself, adherence to these rules and principles allowed him to correct the shortcomings of his past and enjoy his own life to the fullest.