When does a midlife crisis occur in men: symptoms? How age crises manifest themselves in men.

Moving a cabinet, hanging a shelf, nailing a baseboard - that's up to them. Most men do it easily physical work. Only when it comes to a real crisis, accompanied by an emotional shake-up, does the stronger sex refuse to take the lead.

Economic crisis

Olga, chemistry teacher in regular school high school, almost cries as he tells his story. The fact is that her husband has been unemployed for a year and a half, and Olga has to carry a mortgage and a family on herself. She went from a part-time job to a full-time job, plus part-time work as a tutor, plus writing dissertations for careless students. But she is accustomed to the fact that her husband is responsible for the finances of the family. Until recently, he was the director of a branch of one of the central banks, but last year the bank lost its license, and the husband was left without work. The money set aside for a rainy day has long since run out, and the faithful is still looking for a “worthy position.” “It seems like he doesn’t need anything. I have to send him to another interview with a scandal. I just don’t understand how my smart, strong, energetic husband turned into a weak-willed amoeba! And recently, when asked by a friend about how things were going with the job search, my husband casually said: “Well, I can afford to take my time and choose.” At that moment I wanted to strangle him,” Olga admits.

She is not alone in her despair - there are more and more similar stories. Many men, faced with changing economic realities, find themselves unprepared for change. From childhood they were told that they should be breadwinners, breadwinners and protectors. And this, I must say, is a significant burden of expectations. As long as a man successfully copes with this task, he feels like he is on a horse. He is the alpha male and the master of this life. But as soon as the situation gets out of control, the man panics.

On the one hand, the burden of responsibility for the family gives rise to unprecedented stress, which the psyche is not always able to cope with. On the other hand, a man needs to “keep his face”, not show his weakness, and not ask for help. Therefore, when he finds himself without work, he often freezes in the pose of a rabbit in front of a boa constrictor. A man cannot agree to a lower position, because this means admitting his helplessness. And if a refusal is followed by a refusal, he gives up altogether: it’s easier not to go for an interview than to run into another disappointment.

Relationship crisis

Victoria has been married to her husband for almost twenty years. They spent ten years of them in scandals, quarrels, and mutual accusations. Eventually, life became completely unbearable, and the woman filed for divorce. For two months she cried on her friends’ shoulders and cursed her ex for “stolen youth.” And then she calmed down, realized that she now had a lot of free time, and decided to spend it usefully. A year later, Vika was unrecognizable: she had become prettier, slimmer, found new job and looked completely happy with life. But her husband... After the divorce, he began to behave very aggressively, quarreled with all his friends, once ended up in the police because of a fight on the street, was rude to his boss and, in the end, faced dismissal. It seems that the initial data is the same: two spouses, unhappy in marriage, suddenly gain freedom. But they come out of the crisis in different ways.

And why all? Because in our society it is still believed that “guys don’t cry.” Men do not know how to talk about their feelings, they are used to keeping all emotions to themselves, and hiding their pain behind the mask of a staunch tin soldier. So it turns out that a woman, without fear of appearing weak, can count on moral support from friends and family, while the man is left alone with his sorrows. No, he will look for a way out for negativity, but most psychologically safe method- intimate conversations with loved ones are inaccessible to him. What remains? Aggression, depression and the bottle. This is exactly how the average representative of the stronger sex usually reacts to crises in relationships.

Responsibility crisis

Divorce statistics in Russia are sad - every second marriage breaks up. And if a misfortune occurs in the family - for example, a child becomes seriously ill - then in eight cases out of ten the man leaves the family, unable to cope with responsibility. We can talk for a long time about why this happens, that ultimately it all comes down to national characteristics raising boys and girls.

In our country it is accepted that caring for the sick and helpless falls entirely on the shoulders of women. Moreover, boys grow up, caressed by their mother and grandmother, they get used to considering themselves the center of the female universe. If later a misfortune happens in their own family - and the wife’s attention switches to something else, then the husband finds himself in a difficult situation for him. He receives additional responsibility and does not feel the usual support from a woman - as a result, the man breaks down.

Many women believe that with such qualities as activity, optimism, responsibility and intelligence, they will always be impeccable wives, and no storms will disturb the peace of their quiet family haven. Alas, reality often diverges from their views and, from nowhere, adversity appears as an uninvited guest and crosses the threshold of their home. It has long been known that in a person’s life there are turning points, so-called personal crises, when it is necessary to rethink what has been lived, make new decisions, and there is an internal struggle with oneself. In men, these crises are more pronounced than in women and are much more severe, so we will consider them with a women's site for women.

The first such crisis occurs at the age of 14-16 when a teenager has an internal need to prove to others and, first of all, to himself that he is no longer small and can achieve everything on his own, without the help and tutelage of adults. And what many parents regard as promiscuity and hooliganism is nothing more than self-searching and self-affirmation.

The next crisis falls on 21-23 years. The guy already needs to prove to himself that he is an adult in all respects. He makes plans for the rest of his life: fame, being sure to be the first in everything, money, a car, a beautiful wife, children who will certainly love him, and he, naturally, them. Everything is grandiose, beautiful and, unfortunately, absolutely unrealistic. Very often it is at this age that guys get married. And precisely because by this act they seem to rise several steps at once to the pinnacle of their grandiose plans.

By the age of 28-30 It becomes clear to him that all his dreams are nothing more than a mirage, and the truth with the name never is pierced into his consciousness by a sharp blade that deprives him of the meaning of life. He will never be the first, he will never get what he once strived for, never... never... It is painful and difficult to realize this, and even more so to come to terms with it. Accept that you are like everyone else, that your work is like everyone else’s, ordinary and unsatisfying, family- not a happy, joyful family, but like everyone else’s - everyday life, a lack of everything and always, discontent and reproaches... I’m already tired of all the attempts to improve something in it, no clarification of relationships and frank conversations with my wife do not give any results. He understands that he can no longer live like this and begins to look for love on the side, trying to somehow sweeten the bitterness of disappointment in the family and everything connected with it. Hence the wave of divorces and betrayals. Many men begin to seek oblivion by drinking.

This crisis ends when a man begins to perceive and accept his life in a more realistic way. At work, he sets achievable goals, family relationships move onto the well-worn track of cooperation and cohabitation. The spouses find a distance between themselves that suits both, each lives his own life and does not interfere in the life of the other, and this is already perceived as quite normal.

Everything seems to be fine. The wife sighs with relief, but then the most difficult test approaches - middle age crisis. 37-38 years old For many men, this is the period when they begin to feel that they are mortal. No, of course, everyone understood this perfectly well before, but only with their minds, without taking it to heart. And here suddenly the first and obvious signs that she will inevitably come for you. Health is experiencing serious problems, liver, lungs, blood vessels, heart... A man with his whole being realizes that he is getting old, he reports. “Is life really ending? And nothing can be reversed... Then why is everything I do? After all, death will take everything with it.”

He starts to twitch. He throws himself headlong into sports, trying to restore his health, and completely, sometimes without controlling himself, thereby causing further harm to himself. more harm. Money and a career are completely devalued for him, and he begins to be drawn not to a prestigious and highly paid one, but to one that will bring him at least some kind of mental satisfaction. Or he abandons her completely. Many fathers finally begin to reach out to their children, only to stumble upon repulsive teenagers with a completely different vision of life. In confusion, he reaches out to his wife, but also does not find understanding. After all, at this age both begin hormonal changes. In men, the level of testosterone decreases, in women, respectively, estrogen, which makes the man more sentimental, and woman vice versa. Suddenly, for no reason at all, tears may appear, he suddenly wants to cuddle up to his wife in search of sympathy and understanding, and his wife has long been weaned from these tendernesses and frankness... No one understands him, loneliness, emptiness and meaninglessness - all this again leads to drunkenness and betrayal.

Cheating at this age is notable because the man almost always sleeps with young people, thereby proving to himself that it is too early to write him off. The wife, of course, hardly understands her husband. In her opinion, he was simply stupid. In fact, the husband desperately needs her help, not condemnation, not pushing away, but help! But the most close person suddenly it becomes worst enemy. Hence again a strong, dramatic peak in divorces for both.

Surely everyone has heard about the crisis of 40 years in men. Some consider this to be the invention of psychologists, but one cannot help but admit that the problem really exists. It is between the ages of 37 and 45 years, on average, that most sudden changes in a man’s behavior and depressive states occur in the stronger sex.

Causes of the crisis

Psychologists have known for a long time what happens to a man at the age of 40, and have analyzed the reasons.

By the age of forty, a man begins to take stock of his life. He understands: there is not much time left to realize dreams and plans. If he has a successful career and is surrounded by family, all this begins to seem unimportant, small compared to what he could accomplish. If your success is average or non-existent, the awareness of your “worthlessness” can lead to long-term depression, which is sometimes treated with alcohol.
Health begins to fail. Testosterone levels decrease, which affects potency. Obsessive thoughts of becoming unable to give a woman maximum pleasure depress a man the most. He is drawn to repeatedly test his male viability on the side.
Real financial or family problems may worsen against the backdrop of a crisis age.

Symptoms of the crisis

External signs of a midlife crisis are manifested in the following symptoms:

Irritability, frequent silence, rapid mood swings, constant complaints of fatigue.
Dissatisfaction with oneself appears in conversations. Lost interest in life.
The attitude towards the spouse has changed for the worse, nagging, reproaches, accusations, sometimes ending in assault.
The sudden interest in healthy image life, which is obsessive in nature. Sports activities, diets, etc. begin. Sometimes such manic addictions can rather cause harm.
Awakened interest in one's appearance, the desire to change clothes to youthful ones, to do a different hairstyle.
The emergence of fears about male incompetence, the desire to use means for potency, even if this is not necessary.

Symptoms can be noticed individually or in different combinations.

Depending on the social status a 40-year-old man whose psychology and motives for his behavior differ.

Married man

An exemplary family man, who looks happy in his marriage, after 40 years suddenly starts relationships outside the family, or even does not settle on one woman at all. Typical signs of a crisis.

The reasons for this behavior may be caused by getting used to the spouse for long years family life. She lost her former attractiveness, and sex became boring, without emotions. Of course, the man is sure that the woman is to blame: she is holding back freedom, does not respond sensitively to issues that concern him, is bogged down in everyday worries, and cannot adequately evaluate her spouse.

An affair on the side fills a man with forgotten romantic emotions, and his former sensuality awakens. New woman can admire him, listen carefully, reassure him. If on the part of the unfaithful spouse there is no strong feelings, then soon the mistress gets bored, and the man consoles himself with another.

Important! A wise and patient woman will find the strength to wait for the end of her husband’s tossing - it is possible to save the marriage. But this does not always happen. Divorce often occurs.

Divorced man

The divorced spouse, contrary to expectations, does not find peace. A young lover rarely stays with a man. And he soon realizes that he made a mistake.

In loneliness, the understanding comes that freedom from previous family ties does not bring the joy that a man expected. Some continue to search for their ideal, others find a sexual partner, but rarely decide to remarry. Previous experience is also alarming.

Family situations are different, sometimes divorce is good for both. But more often, a divorced man experiences psychological discomfort, even depression.

Bachelor

A man accustomed to loneliness is also susceptible to an age crisis. overcome psychological barrier It is almost impossible for him to start a family. A bachelor lives in his own established environment with developed habits; it is difficult for him to imagine his “soul mate” next to him.

The age of 40 is the time when unpleasant thoughts appear about one’s uselessness, a life lived aimlessly without heirs. Bachelors are susceptible to the onset of crisis somewhat later than married men. But overcoming it is much more difficult.

A man with a narcissist complex

There is a phenomenon characterized as “narcissism”. A “narcissistic” man is in love with himself, tends to inflate his self-esteem, cannot tolerate any criticism, is focused on his own personality and is deaf to the problems of other people - a typical egocentric. It is difficult for such a person to build relationships, and often the “narcissist” remains lonely in adulthood.

The 40-year-old crisis can have a beneficial effect on this category of people. The “narcissist” begins to think about his place in life, which forces him to rethink the scale of values. From the height of his years, many things are seen differently; for the first time, the “narcissist” blames himself for life’s failures, although previously self-criticism was not his trait.

Important! A man experiences severe psycho-emotional stress, after which he significantly changes his behavior and is able to change his destiny. Thus, the “narcissist” uses the crisis for self-renewal.

Help in overcoming the crisis

There are no medications that help solve psychological problems. Not everyone turns to psychologists, although their help can be effective. Many people don’t even recognize behavioral changes as a crisis. But loved ones, to one degree or another, suffer and can help survive negative points, showing understanding.

If a man notices mental discomfort, the following tips will be useful to him:

A change of scenery has a good effect. You can go on a trip - new experiences will distract you from worries and return joy to life.
Play your favorite sport, but without obsession. Sports activities will maintain your health and improve your mood.
If a person has long dreamed of some kind of hobby, but too much busyness and routine interfered with him, the moment has come to fulfill his desires. And there simply won’t be time for depressive thoughts.
Finally quit smoking. Sometimes giving up old habits can increase depression - it is necessary to combine it with activities that cause a surge of positive energy (sports, hobbies).
You need to learn to understand that you will truly appreciate your existing family when you lose it. Building a marital relationship with a new partner is always more difficult than solving emerging problems with your spouse. In other words, it’s worth looking at your achievements in family life from a different perspective.
Diversify your diet, eat more vegetables and fruits, and to maintain libido at a high level, treat yourself to aphrodisiac foods - chocolate, dates, seafood, nuts.
It is also recommended to try something new in sex with your partner, it always brings you closer and gives new breath to the relationship.

Important! If a man is married, the crisis must be overcome together with his wife, relying on her support.

How to behave as a woman

The wife's help does not consist of, like an attending physician, monitoring her husband's condition and showering him with recommendations. This is a choice of a model of behavior that is unobtrusive and calm, but at the same time such that the man feels his wife’s concern.

We need to prepare for the fact that the crisis may last a long time, sometimes years. Therefore, patience is very important.

You cannot force your husband to go to a psychologist, give unsolicited advice, or reproach himself for the situation that has arisen.
Excessive control, monitoring calls, SMS will only increase irritation.
You need to sincerely praise your husband for real achievements, but not flatter.
You should never allow him to feel the superiority of his wife, much less talk about it openly. Do not let friends and relatives speak condescendingly towards your husband if he is nearby.
It's important to keep an eye on your appearance, always be well-groomed and cheerful.
Many men have an increased craving for alcoholic beverages. No need to keep him company. It is better to try to stop dangerous hobbies. If necessary, undergo treatment from a narcologist.
If you suspect your husband's secret intimate life, you should not immediately sort things out. You need to continue to behave as if nothing is happening. This is the only way to save the marriage.
Scandals and reproaches are the shortest path to divorce. It’s probably difficult to restrain yourself, but you need to understand that the man’s state is vulnerable, he won’t accept criticism, but will only get angry. Driven to despair, he may simply leave.
A woman must maintain restraint, not try to pity her husband with tears, and not threaten any serious consequences.

Important! We must remember that a successful marriage is, first of all, patience and the ability to survive crises.

Finally

Every man experiences the 40-year-old crisis differently. Some people hardly notice it, others go through trials, and for “narcissists” it helps them change for the better.

Men who are aware of family support find it easier to overcome difficult situations and learn to understand that at any age, life has its advantages, and the simplest values are eternal.

From time to time, all people experience not only depression, but also crises. The most severe and prolonged crisis in a man’s life is the so-called “midlife crisis,” which occurs in age period from 40-42 to 48-50 years. During these years, most men begin to feel a decrease in vital energy (“Before, I could stay up all night and do nothing, but now I don’t get two hours of sleep - I’m overwhelmed all day”) and take stock of the first results of life (“What I managed to do, what I didn’t manage to do, and will never have time to do again.” ").

Doctor and psychotherapist D. Dobson calls four “enemies” in the life of a middle-aged man: his own body, work, family and Fate.

So, the first “enemy” is the aging body: “That guy, who just a few years ago was called Joe, is now starting to give in. His hair is falling out, despite feverish efforts to preserve and protect every remaining strand. “Am I going bald!?” he shudders. Then he notices that he no longer has the former stamina and reserve vitality, of which he was once proud. He begins to choke while walking up the stairs. Gradually, the expression of confidence disappears from his face, and Joe remains depressed in front of the mirror, amazed by all the discoveries and not believing his eyes."

The second “enemy” is work: “Dissatisfaction with one’s professional affairs reaches its maximum strength in men, usually in middle age. Awareness of the brevity of one’s existence makes a person think about how not to miss a single day of the remaining years of life. However, most men have The family's financial needs require them to continue their efforts in their previously chosen careers, since the children must go to college, the house must be paid off, and in general, everything that can be done so that the life to which the family is accustomed can continue. Sometimes it becomes more and more difficult for a man.”

The third “enemy” is the family: “The turbulent years of self-doubt and delving into one’s problems can bring devastation to family life. Such a man may become angry, depressed or aggressive. All these manifestations can turn against those who are closest to him. He begins to resent even the fact that his wife and children need him. No matter how hard he works, they demand more money how he can earn money, and this makes him very irritated... And the man again begins to be overcome by the desire to get rid of everything.”

The fourth “enemy” is Fate: “With the help of rather strange logical manipulations, a man begins to blame Fate for all his misfortunes, getting into a pose of anger and rebellion.”

How do Russian men deal with the crisis and what actions do they take? The main “therapeutic” remedy needed by a man during this period is an emotional or physical shake-up, activation of vitality. There are different ways to achieve the inner uplift that energetically fueled a man during his youth, and everyone chooses their own path.

Both I and the reader know which paths our Russian men most often choose. So, this could be a series of love affairs with young or very young women. It's no secret that new love and the new sensations and experiences associated with it have an exciting effect, increasing vitality and having a certain rejuvenating effect.

Quite often, unfortunately, alcohol is such a stimulant, which at first really brings relief from difficult experiences.

Many successful middle-aged men throw themselves into work, trying to climb the career “ladder” as high as possible and becoming truly workaholics.

There are also cases of unexpected “departure” - transfer of affairs to a trusted person and departure from the city (to the dacha, Vacation home, growing flowers, breeding domestic or exotic animals).

In all these cases, one can see a man’s desperate desire to “run away from himself,” to forget himself, to shield himself from problems of a physical, emotional and spiritual nature. In addition, during this period, a man brings harm to himself and others. Romances with young girls are the destruction of one’s own family, in which the wife, a middle-aged woman, and growing children. Alcohol initially brings relief, then addiction sets in and an even greater increase in depressive emotions occurs. In Rus', there is nothing worse than alcoholism: loss of work, family, devastation. But strange “departures” or “runs away” into forests and fields are also traumas, most often to loved ones.

But excuse me, why should a crisis be experienced as a destructive period in life? Why do you need to worsen your life and the lives of your loved ones during these years? Why do you need to count your years with fear, become depressed and suffer, making the people you care about suffer? After all, you can survive a crisis in a completely different way: calmly and constructively, improving your life and the lives of the people around you!

What should you do for this?

First and foremost: calmly and with dignity accept your age and the physical, emotional and spiritual changes associated with it. In fact, the middle of life can be the most flourishing, valuable and fruitful period in a person’s life: experience and knowledge have been accumulated, there is energy and activity. A man knows what he wants from life and understands his aspirations.

Decided and settled personal life, the children grew up and became stronger. IN Sundays behind dining table There is a large family, the center of which is the spouses, and the man here is the leading center.

Second: tune in to constructively living through your crisis period of life, without worsening or destroying your life, but, on the contrary, improving it and rising to a new, qualitatively better one. high level.

Third: rebuild your life and develop a “program for successfully surviving the crisis.” As we wrote above, a man needs a physical and emotional shake-up. This can be achieved in “civilized ways”: there are activities that are associated with powerful activation of energy. Thus, my observations show that renovating or exchanging an apartment, changing the decor in the house, building a new building has a huge therapeutic effect on an active man. country house, buying a car, etc. Improve internal state and various hobbies (collecting, doing something with your own hands, etc.) bring positive emotions.

Fourth: a middle-aged man needs to take care of his physical condition. It has also been noticed that men who are overweight, loose, and have forgotten who they were when the body was obedient and the muscles were strong and elastic are experiencing the crisis most difficult. And you can remember this: swimming pool, team sports, hunting-fishing etc. Many men who return to sports are surprised to notice how quickly the body gains flexibility and mobility, and no trace remains of difficult experiences.

Fifth: you need to organize your life in such a way that there is a place for joy, some kind of pleasure, positive emotions. And make sure there is time for this. It’s great if there is a favorite job in which a person experiences highs of emotional states: creativity, resolving dead-end problems, finding original and fresh solutions.

Remember what brings you joy personally?

N.V. Samoukina
Excerpt from the book "Extreme Psychology", 2000.

Incomprehensible melancholy, dissatisfaction with oneself and others, actions that defy logical explanation - this is how a man’s midlife crisis manifests itself. The transition from one life period to another is sometimes not easy and is accompanied by psychological problems.

What is a midlife crisis

A midlife crisis is a prolonged emotionally depressed state of a person associated with the onset of a reassessment of what has happened life stage. Many dreams of childhood and youth remained unrealized and seem irretrievably lost. In addition, the onset of one’s own old age is assessed as a real and close phenomenon, and not distant. A midlife crisis has no genetic predisposition and does not depend on a person’s financial viability.

Why do age crises occur?

Growing up is not only a physiological transformation of the body. A person goes through different stages during his life psychological development. During a crisis period there are important changes just at the level of the soul. If a person successfully overcomes psychological difficulties, he rises to the next stage of personality development, prospects open up before him spiritual growth.

Middle-aged men and their problems

A midlife crisis in men occurs after the age of 30, when they reconsider their life attitudes and motivations, analyze and compare their achievements and successes with those of others. The resulting dissatisfaction social life pushes a person to do unexpected things. A man is trying to make up for lost time, to accomplish what he did not have enough time and energy for in his youth. This explains new interests, a sudden change in high-paying jobs and areas of activity in general.

Fear of approaching old age is another reason for an emotionally unstable state. A midlife crisis in men is associated with physiological changes that appear over the years ( excess weight, baldness, muscle sagging). During this period, many people acquire chronic diseases and feel a loss of strength, which also reminds them of aging. The man begins to feel that in a few more years he will become a useless old man.

The third reason for the midlife crisis in men is the first signs of erectile dysfunction and the extinction of sexual desire. Except natural factors, this is facilitated by an unhealthy lifestyle, hormonal changes in the body, unfavorable environmental conditions. Fear of a weakening erection, a decrease in potency makes a man suffer and look for new sexual experiences. This explains the adultery that occurs during the turning point.

How does a midlife crisis manifest itself?

During a crisis, the human essence expresses protest and demands change. Due to psychological dissatisfaction, a man becomes capable of actions that seem unpredictable and strange from the outside. The thirst to realize the dreams of youth about a bright life filled with emotions pushes one to achieve achievements and exploits. A man's midlife crisis manifests itself in different ways. One finds another woman and leaves the family, the second begins to get involved in extreme sports, the third becomes unnecessary for a stable, well-paid job.

Crisis 30 years

At the age of 30, a man comes to realize his perfection and independence. The feeling of unlimited freedom often develops into irresponsibility and permissiveness. Moral foundations are being shaken, and not everyone survives this period without loss and loneliness. Selfish emotions force a man to perceive his own family as an irritating factor, an obstacle to his freedom. Coldness begins to emanate from him towards his wife and children, and a desire for solitude and peace arises.

Crisis 40 years

Paradoxically, the more a man has achieved in life by the age of 40, the more disappointed he is. There is housing, a career is made, the children are growing up. What's next? And here, seemingly out of nowhere, sentimentality, irritability at the slightest provocation, isolation, dissatisfaction with oneself and others arise. The crisis in men at the age of 40 manifests itself in the fact that a mature man can suddenly become interested in youth music or fashion, reminiscent of a typical teenager in his speech and manners. Emotional condition, being under the influence of male menopause, loses stability.

Are age crises in men related?

A man’s susceptibility to age-related crises depends on his attitude towards himself, self-esteem, and ability to accept the situation in which he finds himself. Warm, trusting family relationships between spouses help resolve any contradictions. A psychological crisis is a turning point in consciousness, during which you need to learn something new and add variety to your life. The duration of this difficult period depends on how successfully you can do this.