How to feel attractive. Psychologist's advice
This is a unique book! It will help you master Dale Carnegie's communication techniques. Fast. Reliable. Maximum efficiency! All Carnegie techniques are presented clearly and concisely - in just 10 lessons. Practical exercises for each lesson they will help you quickly master all the tips of the master of communication and learn how to apply them in real life. Typical difficulties that may arise when mastering techniques are analyzed, and ways to overcome them are indicated. This training book will be useful to anyone who wants to learn how to persuade and achieve all their goals! Some of the texts used in this book were published in the books “All Carnegie: cheat sheets, formulas, tips and exercises” and “Carnegie. All the secrets of communication in one book." This edition is an expanded and expanded version of these books.
A series: Psychology for everyone
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by liters company.
Make the person feel important
The undeniable truth is that every person you meet feels superior to you in some way. And the surest way to his heart is to let him understand in a subtle way that you recognize his significance in his small world, and you acknowledge it sincerely.
You will instantly win the affection of someone you truly admire
The ability to sincerely admire the strengths of other people works wonders! Observe people who are especially popular and successful in society - and you will understand what their secret is: they know how to see the good in others and tell them about it, and they do it sincerely.
Crude flattery and fawning will not deceive anyone - this way you will not earn the trust of others, but will only alienate them. It's a completely different matter when you sincerely recognize the merits and merits of other people and express your admiration from the bottom of your heart. Someone you truly admire will remember your good words for life and will always consider you the best of people. You will instantly win a person's favor if you make him feel important.
There is one the most important law human behavior. If we obey it, we will never find ourselves in an unpleasant situation, since it will provide you with countless friends and constant prosperity. But if it is violated, we immediately find ourselves in endless trouble.
This law says: always act in such a way as to give the other person the impression of your importance.
Dale Carnegie. "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
Dale Carnegie says that the ability to admire others can even completely change one's destiny, as it did with English writer and playwright Hall Kane (1853–1931), author of the popular novels The Christian, The Judge, and The Manx Man. The writer was the son of a blacksmith, and his education was limited to eight classes. And, perhaps, he would never have managed to become one of the most famous and richest writers of his time, if not for his youthful passion for the poetry of Dante Gabriel Rossetti. One day Kane wrote a letter to Rossetti, where he admired the masterpieces that came from his pen. Rossetti was so delighted with this message that he invited young man to himself in London and offered to become his secretary. This is how Hall Kane, the son of a blacksmith, found himself in the circle of the literary elite of Great Britain, thanks to which his development as a writer took place.
You may think that you have to be born with the ability to admire people. You can say: I’m a completely different person, I don’t have the same character, etc. But in fact, anyone can learn this. And there is nothing complicated about it. You'll see: once you learn to admire people and recognize their importance, you will feel that it is very simple and natural. And you will wonder why you didn’t do this before.
In order to gain the ability to admire people, you need to learn just one secret: Everyone deserves admiration, including you.
Start with yourself!
You have strengths that others don't have. And others have virtues that you don’t have. In this sense, we are all equals, no one is better or worse, just everyone is special, unlike anyone else, with their own sum of the best qualities.
To recognize the importance of another person, you just need to learn to first recognize your own importance. If you a priori recognize yourself as a significant, worthy person with mass positive qualities– it will not be difficult for you to recognize the importance of another and demonstrate it to him.
Understand that any person really wants someone to recognize his merits and notice his merits. And you want it too! You would be very pleased if someone came up to you and told you how much they appreciate your abilities and talents, your special qualities and your achievements in anything.
Unfortunately, people are most often busy with themselves. They do not notice the talents, merits and achievements of others. And if they notice, they don’t say it out loud and don’t admire other people’s virtues. Much more often you can find envy and slander about someone's success.
This is the biggest mistake most people make. We are not ready to admire each other - but we are always ready to criticize. Is it any wonder that relationships between people so often leave much to be desired?
Start with yourself - and you can easily correct this mistake! Believe me, if you learn to admire yourself and recognize your own importance, it will not cost you anything to recognize the importance of others. Moreover, you will do it with pleasure.
Exercise 1
First admire yourself - then others
Find a time when no one will disturb you. Sit in a comfortable position, relax, drive away extraneous thoughts. Take a pen and notebook. Next, perform the exercise in five stages.
First stage. Place the number 1 at the top of the sheet and write: “I am a good person.”
Let this become an axiom for you. Repeat this phrase to yourself out loud and mentally often.
Then you need to write down nine more points (at least as many as possible) where you formulate phrases that reflect your good attitude to yourself. These can be either purely emotional statements (for example: “I am a real miracle”) or a listing of the positive qualities that you are proud of in yourself. Write down everything positive that you remember about yourself, in any formulation convenient for you. You can, for example, write: “I am kind,” or you can resort to a more detailed formulation: “I know how to sympathize with people, understand them, show compassion,” etc.
It may be difficult for you at first to immediately express a good attitude towards yourself in ten phrases. Take your time. Drive away doubts and bad thoughts about yourself. At least for a while, forget about your shortcomings. Your job is to focus on the positive qualities. It doesn't have to be anything significant. Remember your behavior in some life situations when you showed yourself on the good side: you helped a friend, did some brave act, accepted correct solution, reached their goal.
When you have ten points (this is the minimum, but more is possible), read them out loud, one by one, adding after each point: “I am worthy of admiration!”
Don't consider this immodest. Believe me, each of us is worthy of admiration for every little thing in which we showed ourselves with the best side. Life is a rather complicated thing, and it is not so easy to express your best qualities. Very often, society encourages us to demonstrate our best sides, and even from childhood, as a rule, we are told more about our shortcomings than about our advantages. And if, under these conditions, you show virtue despite everything, then you are worthy of admiration. Admit it to yourself. Start to truly admire yourself. After this, you will be able to easily admire others, and this admiration will not harm your self-esteem in any way.
Second phase. When you have completed the work of the first stage, on another sheet of your notebook write: “My good luck and successes.” Remember everything you did well, starting from childhood. Most people remember their mistakes and failures well and carry these negative experiences with them throughout their lives. Whereas we tend to forget good luck and successes, and even more - very often we simply don’t notice them! When we do something well, it seems to us that it goes without saying, and we don’t even bother to praise ourselves or congratulate ourselves on our success. Well, it's never too late to do this.
Take the time to review your entire life and write down all the successes and successes, even the most insignificant ones (or those that seem insignificant to you). Let you have at least ten points. Think about your school successes, your excellent grades in exams, your achievements in sports or other competitions, the work you did better than others. Having written down at least ten points, reread them out loud, after each point adding: “I succeeded!”, “I did it!”, “What a great fellow I am!”, or another similar phrase of your choice.
Third stage. Go to the mirror and, looking at your reflection, say out loud:
I am a very good, worthy person.
I wonderful person. I am worthy of admiration simply for being who I am.
I have many advantages(list).
I have such wonderful qualities as...(list).
I'm great at doing...(list what exactly).
I have achieved success in...(list what exactly).
I know a lot and can do a lot. This is something to be proud of.
I am worthy of love and respect. I love and respect myself. I am who I am, and that's wonderful.
This part of the exercise must be performed daily.
Fourth stage. Take your notebook and pen again. Now you need to write the names of your closest people - those with whom you communicate constantly. This could be a spouse, children, parents, close friends, etc. For each of them, allocate two pages in your notebook. Fill out these pages in the same way that you filled them out for yourself when completing the first and second stages of the exercise. To begin with, try to at least temporarily forget about the shortcomings of these people and your complaints about them. Your task is to find as much good in them as possible.
First, you need to write ten phrases expressing your good attitude towards each of these people (the first paragraph could also be that he or she is a good person). Then list ten things that this person does well, or successes, or simply things that he or she does well. Just start each paragraph not with the pronoun “he” or “she”, but with the name of this person. Then read aloud, also adding the phrases at the end: “I admire him!”, “He is worthy of admiration!”, “He’s great!”, “I’m proud of him!” or the like.
Fifth stage. Think about how you can give each of these people words of approval and admiration - so that it is sincere and does not seem inappropriate. At the first opportunity, be sure to tell everyone how great he is, how proud you are of him, etc., emphasizing the merits and successes of this person that you have identified. You will understand how easily you can change your relationship for the better thanks to this, and do it instantly.
You can improve your relationships very quickly if you give up the habit of considering someone inferior to you, and instead start from the truth that everyone is inferior to you in some ways and superior to you in others. Agree, you can hardly consider that you are higher and better than others if, for example, you sing or draw well, but others cannot. But they may have excellent math skills that you do not have, or good public speaking skills that you are not good at. Recognizing and respecting your strengths, also begin to respect and recognize the strengths of others. And then you will be able to treat all people as equal and equally worthy of admiration and recognition.
Learn the art of small pleasantries
Watch your behavior: do you have a habit of emphasizing that you are better and superior to anyone else? Do you always strive to insist that you are right? Does it happen that you get angry, swear, or become loudly indignant if someone behaves differently than you think is right? Start eradicating such habits in yourself. Remember: any aggression, any attempt to “put someone in their place” always leads to a deterioration in relations, to inciting or worsening conflict. Remember that the other person does not consider himself inferior to you and will never agree with this. Therefore, he will resist any attempt (voluntary or involuntary) to humiliate himself.
Remember that any potential conflict situation you can smooth things over without compromising your self-esteem if you learn the art of small pleasantries. It's not difficult at all! When any word of criticism or condemnation is ready to escape your lips, pause and replace it with any polite, courteous and calm phrase that is appropriate. You will see that the result will be much better for you than if you criticized and cursed!
If, for example, the waiter brings us mashed potatoes instead of the French fried potatoes we ordered, let's say, “Sorry to bother you.” “Would you be so kind” ... “Would you like” ... etc. - these little pleasantries, like oil, lubricate the gears of the monotonously working mechanism of daily life and, among other things, are a sign of good upbringing.
Dale Carnegie. "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
Of course, it’s not so easy to start treating all people without exception with respect, let alone admiration, especially those whom you are accustomed to condemn, criticize, or who do not evoke your special sympathy.
But don't forget that people very often treat you the same way you treat them. And if you don’t love someone, and even more so openly demonstrate it, you will receive dislike in return. If you criticize and condemn, you will also be criticized and condemned. If you push people away with rudeness, anger, aggression, they will start pushing you away too, and in the end you will be left alone.
But you can avoid all this if you just slightly shift the angle of your perception. Remember that there are no people who are 100% bad, just as there are no 100% good people. They are good or bad only in your perception.
But this is your own choice - what to see in a person first of all: bad or good. And if you consider someone bad, or unworthy, or put him below you, it means that you simply do not want to see positive, positive qualities in him. Your perception is biased - do not forget about it. And it is in your own interests to correct this perception in a positive direction.
It is within your power to change hostility to friendliness and antipathy to sympathy.
It happens, of course, that a person has done you some real harm, and you cannot forget it. In this case, if a person has not repented and changed his behavior, of course, the best way out It will be easy to stop communicating with him. But in all other cases, you can completely improve your relationship even with those with whom you have quite tense relationships. You can go from disliking to liking. Try to do this in all cases where there is even the slightest chance. To do this, try to forget about what you don’t like or irritate about a person and find something for which you can highly appreciate him. And don't forget to tell the person about it!
Of course, there is no need to move too abruptly from hostility to admiration - this will look suspicious and can cause bewilderment, or even rejection. But try first to move at least to a neutral attitude towards this person, then to a benevolent, friendly one, then, as if by chance, tell him something good about him for some minor reason. And if his reaction is positive, you can talk more openly about his merits.
Important: tell people about their merits not when you want to get something from them. Do it selflessly and without any reason.
And most importantly, don’t expect anything in return. Only then will your sincerity be appreciated.
Exercise 2
Replace hostility with kindness
Take a pen, a notebook and make a list of people with whom your relationship is not very good due to the fact that these people are unlikable to you, cause your condemnation or hostility.
You will have to do this exercise as many times as there are people on your list. Work with only one person on the list at a time.
Complete the exercise in six steps.
First stage. Imagine the first person on your list. If it makes it easier for you to imagine, close your eyes. Think about what exactly you don’t like about him, or maybe what causes your indignation and hostility. Remember the situation of your first meeting (or the situation when you first felt hostility towards this person). Remember what caused this. Did this person behave in a way that was unacceptable to you? Or said or did something bad towards you? Or does your dislike have no specific reason - you just don’t like the person, that’s all?
Try to imagine yourself in his place. Does he feel happy or not? Are you satisfied with yourself? What worries him? Does he like how his relationships with other people are? What does he want, what does he strive for, what does he dream about?
Second phase. Mentally ask him for forgiveness for judging, criticizing him, and feeling hostility toward him. Mentally wish him well. Imagine that he looks at you with a smile and you see his kind, warm gaze.
Third stage. Now think about the fact that there are probably people who love this person and treat him with sympathy. They probably see something good in him that you don't. Think about what it could be. What strengths does this person have? Why can you sympathize with him? What is there about him that you can admire? Maybe he has some qualities that you don’t have and that you would like to acquire? What do you think you could learn from this person?
Remember: you can learn something from every person you meet, just as everyone you meet can learn something from you.
Fourth stage. In your notebook, make a list of all the positive qualities of this person and write what you would like to learn from him.
Fifth stage. Imagine that this person is standing in front of you, and mentally address him with approximately the following words: “I respect you and admire you for the fact that you... (list: for example, an excellent professional, a master of his craft, a wonderful mother, a loving father , you always look great, play chess very well, etc.). I would like to learn from you... (name what). You are a good, worthy person. I treat you well."
Sixth stage. Find an opportunity in real life to tell this person good, kind words about his merits.
By admiring people unselfishly, you can get unexpected benefits
Dale Carnegie repeatedly emphasizes that admiring people and recognizing their merits must be completely selfless. Many people don't understand this. When they see us admiring someone, they ask: “What do you want from him?” Here's what Dale Carnegie has to say about this: “If we are so basely selfish that we can only radiate kindness and gratitude in order to gain some benefit for ourselves, if our souls are like shriveled sour apples, bankruptcy will inevitably await us, quite us deserved." According to him, when we sincerely and disinterestedly admire people, we get much more than benefit - we get something priceless, namely a wonderful feeling of good done to another, and this feeling leaves a bright mark in our memory for a long time.
But still, surprisingly, precisely when we do good unselfishly and do not expect anything in return, very often we receive completely unexpected benefits, including material ones. Here are examples of cases that happened to students of Dale Carnegie courses after they learned about the benefits and value of recognizing the merits and merits of other people.
First example. One of the Carnegie course students went with his wife to visit her relatives. His wife left him to talk with her elderly aunt, while she went off somewhere with other, younger relatives.
Left alone with the old lady, the guest decided to put into practice what he had recently learned and began to look for something to admire. Looking around, he said that he was delighted with his aunt’s house, so bright and spacious, the likes of which had not been built for a long time. Touched, the aunt said that she and her husband designed this house themselves, that it was exactly what they dreamed of, and that love itself built it. After showing the guest the whole house (he never ceased to admire), the hostess brought him to the garage and said that she wanted to give him an almost new car, which her husband bought shortly before his death. The guest began to refuse, offering to give the car to closer relatives or sell it, but she didn’t want to hear about it, saying that she would give this car only to him, a person who can appreciate beautiful things. For her, the drop of kindness and attention that this almost stranger gave her turned out to be priceless, and thanks to this he instantly became dearer and closer than her blood relatives.
Second example. The head of a park and garden planning firm was planting a garden on the estate of a famous lawyer and expressed admiration for what a wonderful hobby he had (bearing in mind that the lawyer was also an avid dog breeder). After which the owner of the estate invited a specialist gardener to his kennel, where he showed the dogs for a long time, and then presented him with an expensive purebred puppy with an excellent pedigree.
Third example. The president of the furniture company, James Adamson, wanted to receive an order to supply armchairs and chairs for the music school and theater that were being built by the millionaire and industrialist George Eastman. Adamson attended the appointment but was warned that he would have no chance of success if he took more than five minutes of Mr. Eastman's time.
Adamson remembered this, but still began his visit by admiring the beauty of Eastman's office, praising the decoration wood panels, something he was an expert at. In response, Eastman began showing him around the office, noting the hand-carved woodwork and other striking details. Afterwards, Eastman began to tell the visitor about the buildings he had built, then he told about the path that he had to go through, about his childhood spent in poverty, then about his successes in photography, which eventually made him a millionaire (Eastman became famous for having invented transparent Kodak photographic film, which became the basis of his fortune).
The conversation dragged on for more than two hours instead of the expected five minutes. After which Eastman invited Adamson to his place for lunch. Naturally, Adamson received an order for the chairs. And most importantly, a strong friendship arose between Eastman and Adamson, which connected them for life.
Don't be afraid to admire people - and you will always win.
Look for the good in everything others do—even the things you don't like. After all, you also want to be appreciated, recognized, admired? Remember the great truth: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Do you want admiration? Admire yourself! And in return you will receive even more than you expected.
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The following is an introductory fragment of the book by Dale Carnegie. How to become a master of communication with any person, in any situation. All secrets, tips, formulas (Alex Narbut, 2014) provided by our book partner -
Hello, dear friends!
The sense of self-importance (SZ) is determined by the feeling of one’s significance in the whole, vast world. People often confuse the meaning of this word with significance, which in turn carries a different meaning.
CHZ means a unique, unlike anything else self-assessment of personal capabilities, goals and benefits from actions. Here the word “significance” should be interpreted as one’s own personal unit in society, location in a group of people, society, and, of course, one’s relationship with other relatives.
Various kinds of comparisons, conclusions and principles are all consequences of an inflated, normal or decreased “sense of self”. How can you understand exactly what level your sense of self-worth is?
Have you ever thought about what exactly makes us take certain actions? What exactly influences your attitude towards other people? You may think that this is an accident, a worldview, or a banal habit along with upbringing.
But in fact, the same ChSZ lies at the origins of our decisions and choices. Or rather, not only it, but rather the desire to increase its level. Some choose the path of self-affirmation at the expense of others; the more advanced ones begin to play manipulative games with their minds and more.
How to get rid of it, but also not be considered a self-confident egoist? How to become a truly free person and stop chasing phantom fears? According to Castaneda and his work " Way of the Warrior", a simple conclusion can be drawn.
A person needs a healthy fight against ChSZ in order to get rid of his invented importance and the fight must continue until the rest of the representatives human race he will not begin to perceive them as equals. Neither worse nor better. What aspects should be taken into account?
View from the outside
Zealand, on the other hand, was more practical than Castaneda and suggested taming the sense of self-worth in a fairly effective way - the position of an observer. What's the point?
Let's say you need to make an important or false decision. Instead of reveling in the injustice of life, or vice versa, not thinking that you are the king-prince-prince of the entire Universe, you need to stop and look at yourself from the outside.
Imagine that you are in a dream or in the depths of your fantasy. It is in such invented nooks and crannies of fantasy or subconscious that you do not need to prove your importance. Neither to yourself nor to those around you.
It happens that a thing is of great importance in reality, but in a dream it takes on a completely different form and even seems unnecessary. Don't be afraid of such thoughts.
After thinking and planning actions, and even more so after you have passed the reasoning through secret windows, it will be easier for you to realize the need to perform an action. And understand that this was your initiative, or an imposed idea from the outside due to the desire to prove to the whole world that you are not an empty place.
Sometimes, a person can spend too much time chasing the approval of others. Everything he does is aimed only at assessing the thoughts, actions and words around him. Such people are addicted to praise, which, like a balm for the soul, strengthens it and their own vectors of movement.
What if it's the other way around?
A decrease in the level of a person’s own importance leads to the state of a rag that can be manipulated. And believe me, people will do it brightly, creatively and with pleasure, since it was you who gave them their own white flag.
Any influence from outside is interpreted as truth. Independent solutions individuals are also not accepted. In the future, this leads to an inferiority complex and significantly interferes with life.
The oppressive feeling of the world’s indifference to one’s unfortunate self, lack of attention and other aspects break the entire personality into millions of tiny particles, which over time are very difficult to put together.
How can you convince yourself that you are worth a lot and there is simply no need to prove the obvious to humanity?
What do you need to consider?
ChSZ is sometimes interpreted as pride or a kind of arrogance. I recommend that you first adjust your own complexes. The desire to argue, to prove that one is right, or to put pressure on other people’s choices in order to show off one’s skills against their background.
It's no secret that most are formed in childhood. And now, as an adult, at a conscious age, it is worth taking a closer look at some of your characteristics.
The syndrome of an excellent student or an avid “not giving a fuck” carry with them a feeling of constant, depressed state, seasoned with dissatisfaction with oneself and the world.
Our parents taught us to always comply with certain canons and requirements. But they did not say what to do when this cannot be achieved. And a person begins to come up with a lot of self-built walls or boundaries, so as not to seem like an empty place or the navel of the earth (which is noticed less often). One extreme gives rise to another.
How to develop a sense of self-worth?
Friends, this is the end.
Subscribe to my blog updates and recommend it to your friends. In the comments, tell us about what level your sense of self-worth is and what actions are you taking to resolve it?
See you on the blog, bye-bye!
Don't stop believing. Think about all the life forms on Earth. How does something like this happen in such a large, wide galaxy? It doesn't matter if you believe in the Great Man in White, Jesus, or even Unearthly Invasions, there is something special about this. Maybe you have to see it all for yourself, or you have to help another person understand the same thing you do. All in your hands!
You shouldn't change anything in life if you're afraid of it. No need! If you don't feel important or seem inadequate, then you need to change and start living differently. Maybe you just need to try something new, call up a couple of old acquaintances, make new friends, or even lead a garage band. Use your brain and try something that requires more than just your efforts. Friends can always influence each other.
Work as a team! You are not alone. You have something to give that can change someone else's life. Sometimes our time is the most valuable thing we can give each other.
Discover religion. Many people find purpose in life by starting to believe in higher power. Religion is great way change your point of view, and even if you don't become a believer, you can always meet new people.
Find yourself! Of course, if you had a map, you could plot your location, but perhaps you should take a closer look at what motivates you.
You don't have to change the world. We don't live in a society where it's imperative that you either fly or die. There is enough to observe and leave a different mark. The most important person for you is yourself.
Many people have done selfless acts without even noticing it. But little do they know that those whom they helped are very grateful to them for it. As if you offered your uneaten bagel to someone in a cafe, and would not attach any importance to it. This person may have experienced financial difficulties, and couldn't afford to buy food on the day of my job interview. Your kindness could give him good mood, and would allow me to get a job. But if you weren't alive, he most likely wouldn't be able to get a job and would still be going through difficult times. You do many good deeds every day without even noticing, and your actions have a great impact on those around you.
Understand the impact you have had on the world. In your mind, you consider yourself just another face in the crowd. Another pair of hands, another imperfect person. But it's not right. Your attitude defines your entire being and all attitudes are contagious. Change your attitude towards yourself if it is not okay.
- Have a good attitude towards life. If you simply smile at everyone you see, those around you will have a much better chance of having a good day. Simply showing a smile makes you happy and your mood will rub off on other people.
- Your bad points of view should not be spread. When you're having a bad day and you just can't control your panic, don't let others know about it. Try to gather all your will into a fist so that you can show others your smile all day long. This will make them happier, and seeing many people smile will likely make you happy too. If you scowl at everyone you see, your mood will rub off on them and they will all have a bad day too.
Be aware of your abilities. Realize that if you try hard, you can achieve anything you want. If you truly believe in something strongly enough, and constantly stand up for your beliefs, you “can” change the world. Almost all famous people people you've heard of have made various contributions to the world, most of them for the better. And many people you've never heard of made changes that impact your life to this day. For example, Rosalind Franklin. If it weren't for this unknown woman, we wouldn't know what DNA looks like. If she had decided that she couldn't change the world in any way, we most likely still wouldn't know about DNA.
We continue the series of publications dedicated to the “People from the Closet” series. In the previous material, the topic of self-realization was started. As mentioned earlier, the need for self-expression is the only healthy need, which can be one of the important components of success, but for oneself, and not for society.
What is self-expression? This is a manifestation of yourself. This is a “departure into reality” of everything that only you can, want and are capable of doing. Self-realization may reveal answers to questions such as: “why do I live?”, “what is the meaning of my life?” and so on. It is the possibility of self-realization that gives a person fullness of life, a sense of his own need, importance, and significance. It saves you from harmful thoughts: “I live in vain.” One might even suggest that self-actualization is one of the fundamental needs of the typical character in the Closet Men series.
But, despite the apparent clarity of the topic, which may sound like this: “If you want to do something, do it!”, in practice everything turns out to be much more complicated. Main character books, - a typical loser is faced with the fact that he does not know himself, and therefore, he does not know what exactly is the work of his life. He is afraid to express himself, because then he will lose the illusion of cohesion with society. And society turns out to be more important to him than himself! Hence all his problems: the inability to be within one’s own boundaries (there are no boundaries), a lack of understanding of oneself, hence the lack of fulfillment, a lack of understanding of why I live, the feeling that “I don’t exist” (because I hid myself “in the closet”) and other experiences , which do not allow you to live and create calmly and happily.
Why this topic Does it start with self-realization? Because it is self-realization (the ability to do what you feel drawn to by your own soul) that fills a person with healthy confidence, a sense of self-worth and worth, and not success in society. However, feedback also works: a sense of self-worth provides an opportunity for healthy self-realization. A person does not need to prove anything to society (he has all healthy sensations within himself), so he calmly realizes himself in this world. However, here too it is worth distinguishing between concepts. Realizing oneself does not mean gaining recognition from society (as the hero believed at the beginning of the famous story). To realize yourself means to accomplish what you consider important for yourself, to complete the tasks you have set for yourself.
However, due to the complexity of the process, a confused hero, a person dependent on society, can still get lost in the darkness of his own psyche for a long time, looking for an answer to the main questions.
The lack of healthy self-expression coupled with the need to feel useful and important creates a distorted sense of self-importance. People call it ChSV. The feeling of self-importance is completely false, superficial. Its typical bearer is the “peacock”, proving to the whole world that he alone has the right to “wear the crown” due to his exceptional importance. And this feeling requires “proof” - success. Such an individual, as a rule, arouses deep hostility towards himself.
Let's say the hero has realized his problem and wants to deal with it. What do we have to do? Where to start? How to get out of the circle and become a normal person who wants to live and knows why he should live?
First steps towards recovery
- Reprogramming childhood.
This time we will not resurrect what exactly happened and when. What events happened, who said what. It doesn't matter at all. It is much more useful to start reprogramming yourself - the child - right now. Right from the moment you started reading this article.
You yourself imagine and make permanent your new sensations, your fairy tale.
How healthy do you feel in your relationship with your parents?
- Your parents regularly pay attention to you. You read books together, play games, go for walks, to the theater, watch children's cartoons and discuss them. You feel: you are seen, you are given importance.
- You know you are loved. You feel cared for and supported, even when your parents are angry with you. Any punishment is fair. And therefore, you are not offended.
- Your parents, your home is safe safe place. You know that you will always find support here. And even if you did something wrong, your parents will defend you in front of strangers. If they think it necessary, at home, in private, they will say that you are wrong. And they will explain why. But even in your wrongness you feel love and support.
- They praise you. Your drawings, inventions, discoveries will always be noticed and appreciated. Generally positive. If there are any shortcomings, they will tell you about it. But, in general, your parents are always happy about your desire to learn new things.
- You are taught to deal with failure. Failure is just interesting game- learning something new. If something doesn’t work out right away, then you need to try further. And then it will definitely work out (you are always convinced of this)!
- You are given the right to think and make decisions for yourself. The areas where you are responsible have been identified. However, when you have problems that you cannot solve, your parents are always ready to help.
- You feel respect for your feelings and thoughts. Your thoughts don't have to be genius. But they exist, and parents attach importance to them.
2. Exercises for you - an adult
Try to catch the healing sensation: a feeling of inner value, like many little stars in the abdomen. More precisely, in the navel area. They move in dark (the color of the universe, sky) space. They live, sparkle, fill completely, the whole body! They give you weight, a sense of yourself, your own talent, wonderfulness, and uniqueness.
And in this all of me is valuable - all my manifestations, all my sorrows, all my joys. And I don’t need to prove my talent to anyone (beg for the right to life), because my value is in my integrity, in everything about me.
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