You always have to stand up for yourself. In free time

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When unpleasant situations arise in life: we are insulted, put in an uncomfortable position - we rarely find the right words to fight back. But it is possible to learn the simplest techniques to deflect a blow.

Usually people put us in an uncomfortable position when they want to insult us, rise at our expense, take revenge, or simply take out their anger. This can happen both at work and among friends and even in family. But for each case there is a certain strategy on how to resolve the situation while maintaining your honor and without entering into conflict.

With colleagues

If they try to insult you, humiliate you, or just tease you, the most important thing is don’t be afraid to fight back. You should not have any fear that a conflict will occur; the main thing is not to miss the moment, otherwise you may lose respect, as well as self-esteem, and simply become a “whipping doll.” There are many techniques that can be applied in different situations.

  • Theater of the Absurd. “If your colleague decides to provoke you with a stupid statement or a barb, you stun him not with a stream of abuse and criticism, but with a completely absurd reaction. At the same time, you are not insulting, but you are putting them in an uncomfortable position. The best way to do this is to adapt well-known wise sayings, proverbs or sayings,” says MATHIAS NELKE, journalist, writer and psychologist. Example: Anya is a vegetarian. At a corporate event, when she was helping herself to vegetables, and her colleague was helping herself to meat delicacies, the latter suddenly said: “Yeah, these vegetarians are all sick in the head.” To which Anna replied: “Everyone goes crazy in their own way.” Using this technique, you can avoid a stupid and pointless argument with your interlocutor and give a worthy rebuff.
  • You're right. “Instead of explaining and defending yourself, you agree with the “attacker,” but at the same time you exaggerate his reproach. In this way, you avoid open conflict, and those around you consider you capable of laughing at yourself, which will undoubtedly add points to you,” says psychologist SVETLANA DUBININA. Example: “Tanya, what a disgusting, harsh perfume you have!” “You’re right, in Iceland they use it to poison cockroaches!”
  • Kindergarten. If you don’t want to respond to the barbs of others, imagine them as small children. Children swear, cry, scream, fight, call names. And a wise adult simply waits for them to calm down. You don’t react to their words and attacks; it’s funny for you to watch them, like a wise adult.
  • Leave it for tomorrow. If you are not able or in the mood to answer now, just decide for yourself that you will think about it tomorrow. You can't always have the answer you need ready.
  • Earplugs in ears. “You pretend that you didn’t fully hear your opponent’s insult or barb, and turn part of the phrase in the direction you want. Perfect for when there is an audience nearby,” advises Matthias Nelke. Example: “Katya, you turn me inside out.” “You can’t wear a jacket inside out: it’s ugly and uncomfortable.”


    • With the boss

    Sometimes the boss does not control himself, showering you with insults or humiliating your dignity. Don't ignore this.

  • Expectation. “Wait until your boss finishes telling you off. There is no need to interrupt him or make excuses. During the tirade, it may turn out that he gave you one task, but is now demanding a decision on a completely different issue, or he simply misunderstood your actions in relation to the project. When he finishes, you will be able to sensibly evaluate his claims and retort,” advises Matthias Nelke.
  • Objection. If your boss is insulting you rather than discussing work, you should interrupt him and say, “Sorry, I can't talk to you like that. When you calm down, I’ll come over.” He will have time to think about his actions, and you will not allow yourself to be humiliated.
    • On practice

    If you think that you cannot withstand a blow, then use Svetlana Dubinina’s technique. This technique is called "Fan". Analyze what you react to most painfully. What irritates you? What makes you mad or sad? Remember the specific words, intonations, gestures, annoying behavior of your opponents or offenders.

    • Close your eyes and remember again all the most offensive, biting, scorching words that make you feel confused and worthless or an outburst of aggression.
    • Remember your offender. Do you feel filled with anger? Create a feeling of impact within yourself. What part of your body reacts to it? What's happening: you feel hot, cold, and there are slight tremors all over your body? Use the emotion ventilation technique. Imagine that there is a powerful fan between you and the offender; his words do not reach you: they are carried away by the wind in the opposite direction. Do right hand fig and cover it tightly with the palm of your left hand.
    • Mentally direct it at the person who is trying to unsettle you. In childhood, this technique helped to take revenge on the offender and calm down. Open your eyes - now you are ready to withstand any blow and enter the fight with new forces.
    Through obstacles

    To ensure that nothing prevents you from parrying, you need to overcome some internal barriers.

    • Maintain your inner strength. When you are insulted, teased or teased, it takes you by surprise. Therefore you cannot parry. When an unpleasant situation arises, build your own inside protective screen. It will allow you to keep your distance, but at the same time remain relaxed even in a heated environment.
    • Watch your movements. Our body reveals our insecurities. A confident posture will give you the stamina to deflect a blow. Stand straight, distribute the load on your legs, one should not stand close to the other. Do not constantly change your position: it will give the impression that you are awkward.
    • With anger. This feeling will help you mobilize faster and, in turn, go on an active counter-offensive.
    With friends

    The closest people also sometimes go too far. So, a joke can touch to the core, and constant jokes can irritate and humiliate. But there are excellent solutions for these cases too.

  • "I agree". If your friends constantly make fun of you for the same trait or action, agree. They do this to get a strong reaction from you, but if they stop getting it, the jokes will gradually stop.
  • Straight Talk. Sometimes, if a person doesn't understand that it's a cruel joke, you just need to tell him about it. Perhaps he made a joke without thinking, and at that moment it was funny for him, and you were offended. The main thing is not to be shy to admit it, because such behavior of a joker can be repeated again and again if the essence of the situation is not explained to him. You won't be considered a prude, but you will keep peace of mind, calm down and prevent the recurrence of such jokes that humiliate your dignity.

    • In contact with

    Unfortunately, the culture of society is decreasing every year, so it is not at all surprising to meet boors in transport, in a store, or just on the street. How to put a person in his place in this case? The easiest way is to use one of the guaranteed

    Unfortunately, the culture of society is decreasing every year, so it is not at all surprising to meet boors in transport, in a store, or just on the street. However, it’s not as scary when random passersby allow too much, like those people you see every day. These could be work colleagues, bosses and even relatives. To fight back against such people, it is not enough to simply raise your voice or respond in kind, because such a reaction can cause many consequences. How to put a person in his place in this case? The easiest way is to use one of the guaranteed methods that will allow you to emerge victorious in any situation and not aggravate the conflict even more.

    Learn to understand the situation

    The first thing you need to do is not just choose any method that allows you to repel boors, but understand how best to act in a specific situation. Many people, having read some general councils, they immediately try to put them into practice, which further aggravates the situation. You need to understand that, for example, if your manager is rude to you, then showing aggression or harsh language may well cost you your job. In this case, the whole struggle becomes completely pointless, because you could simply quit and never see such a person again without any dialogue or attempts to reason with him.

    It is also worth understanding that if your relatives are rude to you, then the choice the right way most often depends on the specific situation. If you fail, you can turn even more numbers against you. For example, if you have a strained relationship with your mother-in-law who constantly gets into your personal life, any raised voices, insults and accusations can completely destroy your entire family, after which any struggle again becomes meaningless. Therefore, you need to learn:

    • Understand which method of resistance is best applicable in your situation;
    • Weigh the pros and cons;
    • Be absolutely confident in what you do and say;
    • Use raised tones and rudeness in response in the rarest cases.

    Perhaps the same response will work for one person out of ten, but more often than not it will not help much. If you yell at the person who is yelling at you, both parties to the conflict will come out losers.
    Otherwise, try to act as gently and delicately as possible. At a minimum, this will prevent you from causing harm in cases where your attempts are unsuccessful.

    Ignoring and Silence

    Do you want to know how to beautifully put someone in their place? Then learn to ignore it. Moreover, do not try to tolerate his rudeness by withdrawing into yourself. This will not only not stop most aggressors, but will even increase their zeal. You need to ignore as demonstratively as possible, expressing with all your gestures that you are above the situation in which you find yourself. For example, if you are constantly being pestered by your boss, try to ignore everything that is not related to your work, passing only those comments that are relevant.

    It is not without reason that they say that calmness is an insurmountable obstacle for any boor. Therefore, remember that tolerating and ignoring are completely different things. Arm yourself with the power of calm and the number of unpleasant situations in your life will rapidly go to zero.

    Smile

    Another powerful weapon that can often surpass even ignoring. If a conscious reluctance to react to third-party aggression or insults can cause a real attack of anger in a person, then a smile is a “weapon” on a completely different level. She rather suppresses the manifestation of aggression than reflects it on the boor. You may have probably noticed situations where some people just have to smile and all the negativity towards them instantly disappears.

    You also need to understand that a smile is different from a smile. There are people whose smile can cause the opposite feelings. Also, do not mix a smile and a mockery; the latter is not the best The best way pacification conflict situations. Finally, a smile suggests that even in the case of open rudeness, it is impossible to get a person to show the same emotions, therefore even the most persistent aggressor will very quickly lose interest. Thus, to put such people in their place, you just need to smile, thereby responding to their manifestations of rudeness. After this, it is unlikely that anyone will want to continue to behave in the same spirit.

    Mirror effect

    One of the most universal methods who works both in a team and in any public place. However, the only downside is that it requires people around you, even random passers-by. In a personal conversation, he acts much worse, although even in such a situation he cannot be called useless.

    The basis is the reflection of all aggression on the one who generates it. For example, if something doesn’t work out for you at work and your boss, in front of the whole team, constantly puts you in an awkward position by making frequent comments, try to “return” everything back. You can publicly ask him to show you how to do it right.

    Especially good this method works in cases where you are confident that you are right and know your business. Then, having tried to do something better than you, the aggressor will very quickly encounter the same problems. After this, he is unlikely to pester you, although such people often try to find another reason for showing rudeness. However, it is important to remember that any situation can be turned against a person, thereby getting rid of him boorish attitude. At the very least, it will keep him in line.

    Agreement

    As a rule, the expression of rudeness is most often designed to ensure that a person will not be able to fight back. You need to understand that real cowards who take advantage of power, the state of affairs, subordination and other conditions often behave this way. In this case, you can disarm the boor, not just by putting him in his place, but also by depriving him of any desire to continue. To do this, try to support him in every possible way and agree with everything he says. If there are slight notes of irony and sarcasm in your tone, this will further enhance the effect, but do not overdo it. Even the best way to fight back can lead to completely unexpected consequences, if you go too far.

    For example, if your boss tells you that you are incompetent, try jokingly agreeing with him. There will be no loss of dignity in this gesture, but you will be able to put him in his place once and for all. As a rule, such people expect in every possible way that in response to their accusations and aggression, they will begin to argue with them, swear, or show emotions. In this case, consent completely discourages the “attacker,” forcing him to stop all attempts to get at you.

    Psychological techniques and politeness

    It's no secret that most often boors are notorious people who, for some reason, feel superior to others. That is why they can afford boorish statements and ridicule towards specific people. In this case, you should never go to their level and respond in kind. Politeness is one of the most powerful weapons that allows you to save face in any situation. Even if they are rude to you and use obscenities, try not to do the same in response. At a minimum, this will make it clear to the aggressor that you have excellent control over yourself.

    You can also use the so-called “Socratic Method”. It is based on a way to force the aggressor to answer questions that can only be answered with a strict “yes” or “no.” In such cases, it is very easy to lead the boor into a logical dead end. Simply put, he will shut himself up. For example, if you are constantly required to perform certain duties at work, without skimping on expressions, ask whether they are on the list of your job responsibilities. In addition, ask if you are paid extra for them? Such a move will easily discourage the boorish boss and all his nagging will be completely unsuccessful.

    Frontal attack

    This is probably the most daring and even daring way to put a boor in his place, regardless of his authority. To do this, you just need to ask why a person allows himself to behave this way towards you and who gave him such a right. As a rule, most boors cannot answer this question, especially if it is asked in public. Even in the case of personal hostility, the aggressor will not have anything to answer and how to justify his behavior.

    It is also important to understand that the question must be asked without expressing reverse aggression. Try asking in a tone that sounds like you're trying to find out where to find the nearest store. Keep cool, don't raise your tone, and any boor will not be able to resist such a formidable weapon.

    Always maintain your dignity

    Remember that sometimes looking decent in a difficult situation is much more important than shutting up another boor, even if you are forced to see him every day. Often people advise each other to start being rude in response, which is a fatal mistake. In this case, you will not only begin to become like a boor, but moreover, you will do it consciously. Instead, always try to be composed and show that you are in complete control of yourself. Also, feel free to use sarcasm, a sense of humor, and other types of “verbal weapons.”

    Keep in mind that retaliatory aggression can lead to the conflict becoming physical, which can already cause problems with law enforcement agencies. In this case, any attempts to put the boor in his place with the help of fists will put you in an awkward and obviously losing position.

    Unfortunately, the culture of society is decreasing every year, so it is not at all surprising to meet boors in transport, in a store, or just on the street. How to put a person in his place in this case? The easiest way is to use one of the guaranteed

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    Everyone would like to stand their ground during a conversation, boldly express their thoughts and emotions, and resist the imposition of someone else’s opinion. Alas, the reality turns out to be less rosy.

    If you sometimes feel like you have “Welcome!” written on your forehead, don’t despair. 6 tips from a psychologist will help correct the situation.

    1. Listen, it gives you an advantage.

    The next time someone asks for an excessive favor, resist the temptation to immediately shout, “Are you crazy?” Listen calmly to the request, ask questions. Listening gives you more control and power.

    Detailed information provides the necessary arguments for a dispute. Listening is much better than objecting emotionally. You can answer beautifully: “I understand why you are asking for this. Because you feel the need for my participation. But I would like you to know one thing." Come up with good reason to refuse, then the situation will be resolved calmly.

    2. Practice polite “no”

    Some people are embarrassed to say “no” for fear of looking bad in front of others. People associate this word with negativity. Get to know positive side the words "NO". In this way you voice your position: “I am who I am. I'm true to myself."

    If we are afraid to say no, our yes becomes meaningless. A trouble-free person will soon be no longer respected. Psychologist Jackie Marson suggests working through the problem in 3 stages:

  • Thank the other person for the request. Politely explain why he can handle it on his own.
  • Show how busy you are, look through your diary.
  • Think about what options to offer instead of his demand.

    • The other person may be furious, but that's his problem. Rejection does not make you selfish.

    3. Avoid extremes

    Difficult conversations cause great amount stress. That's why they try to avoid them. When pressure is placed on personal space, people obey or protest. This is especially noticeable in the workplace when management asks you to do more.

    People of the obedient type are soft and do not adapt well. The protesting type takes a defensive position and has difficulty working with the team. Extremes are harmful. Determine your type and strive for the golden mean.

    4. Identify social threats

    There are 5 areas where a person feels vulnerable:

  • Status (feeling that others will criticize).
  • Confidence (the ability to predict the outcome).
  • Autonomy (control over events).
  • Belonging (feeling of alienation).
  • Justice (the concept of what should be).

    • Knowing your vulnerabilities will help you better position and you will be able to respond appropriately.

    5. Choose your strategy

    The ability to be assertive does not mean standing your ground always. This is especially true for personal relationships. Save the refusal for the case when it is really impossible to fulfill the request.

    6. Don't say anything

    For example, at a party where your opinion is different from the opinions of others. The worst-case scenario is to change your point of view for the sake of your interlocutor. Don't do this, just be silent.

    Each of you has encountered a situation when, after a conflict, it occurred to you what you should say and how to behave in order to adequately respond to the offender. There are many situations in life when we need more firmness to insist on our own, for example:

    A friend constantly borrows money and does not pay it back on time;

    The boss cursed you in the presence of other subordinates;

    Your girlfriend is making you do things you don't want to do, trying to make you into someone you're not.

    There are four steps that will help you stand up for yourself, defend your point of view, and adequately respond to the offender. Having studied them and applied them in action, after an argument or quarrel you will stop constantly replaying the plot in your head on the topic “what should have been done or said in this situation.”

    Step one. Limit your sign language

    When you are under pressure, scolded or insulted, it is very easy to succumb to pressure. Here your body can begin to speak, even though you haven’t opened your mouth yet. You may start nodding your head, shrugging your shoulders, and giving apologetic smiles. This kind of body language indicates that you are giving up, it lowers your defenses before you have a chance to say anything in your favor.

    You must take control of such actions of your body and minimize them. Instead, sit or stand up straight and look your opponent in the eyes. Wait calmly until he says everything, don’t interrupt. Wait for the speaker to let off steam, and only then begin to calmly defend your point of view. Demand not to be interrupted, politely reminding you that you have earned the right to speak.

    Step two. Speak in the first person and use active voice (as opposed to passive).

    Start your defense with constructions such as “I disagree,” “I think,” “I don’t...”. This will allow you to stick to the subject of the dispute and prevent the attack from being transferred to other people who are not related to the situation.

    Do not try to apologize or admit your guilt during an unpleasant conversation or quarrel. If you are trying to stand up for yourself, this method is unacceptable. You can apologize later for saying something not very pleasant - when passions have subsided.

    Step three. Intonation

    Voice timbre and intonation are of great importance. The voice should not tremble, it should not have hysterical notes, it should not be soft and quiet. You should speak in an even, measured voice with notes of metal. Don't end your answers with a rising intonation, this is an indicator of insecurity. The fall of the voice at the end of the phrase (i.e., going into a low register) makes it sound weighty and authoritative.

    Step four. Bring the situation to its logical conclusion

    The last word should be yours. You can end a clash with your superiors by proposing some kind of solution or, if this makes you feel comfortable, a compromise. A confrontation with friends, girlfriends, relatives can be ended with the phrase “I will not change my point of view, accept it or leave everything as it is.”

    I grew up in a family with a tyrant father and a closed, emotionless mother. I had to fight with my father and protect my mother very often. She reproached me for any aggression, my father began to scream wildly and fall into hysterics if I cried. If I defended myself, he tried to instill in me a feeling of guilt and shame. I am not in harmony with myself. Internally I am a passionate person, but I don’t like attention to myself. I suffer from insomnia, I live alone in an unfamiliar city. Relations with classmates are extremely strained. My ex-close friend gay betrayed me and is now friends with my ill-wishers. They gossip behind my back. I feel angry and dissatisfied with myself because I do not show my emotions, I often do not defend myself in sufficiently. All this interferes, but I can’t change. Theoretical knowledge They don't help much. How can I learn to express my emotions, how to learn to work with them and find allies?

    Yulia, 19 years old

    Unfortunately, the conditions of your family were such that you cannot, with your sensitivity, be so capable of polarizing any relationship. You reduce them either to one pole - “friends”, or to the other - “enemies” (who you need to fight with, who you need to fight with, like you “fought” with your father). But not all relationships are built this way, there are halftones, a huge mass different types nuances in relationships. In your situation, personal therapy or working with a psychologist would be very suitable. Maybe you can find an opportunity for this?

    It is important that you find people with whom you can have relationships of varying degrees of intimacy. You haven't gotten along well with some of your course, but there are probably some people left who aren't caught up in your ex-girlfriend's gossip and influence?

    Look for people in places where your interests are located, look for like-minded people; there is simply no other choice for you but to establish healing relationships with people.

    Relationships will help you learn everything you are asking about, relationships are something we learn through practice and not through theory. You can’t come into a relationship completely ready just by reading some books. Therapy also works in the same direction, because it is also a relationship, albeit a special one, with your psychologist. Separation from your family is very indicated for you. It is important that you stay as far away as possible from this type of relationship where there is a “blaming” of space, where the most important tactics of interaction between people are not love and acceptance, but guilt and shame. Your parents failed in the important task of creating safe conditions development. Protecting your mother is an impossible task for a child. But now that there are other options, you can change a lot. Start by looking for people with whom you will feel good.