How to get rid of codependency in a relationship. How to get rid of codependency in relationships and find freedom - practical advice from psychologists

Codependency is a painful condition that determines psychological dependence from loved one. Destructive behavior is characteristic of 80–85% of relatives of people who suffer from drug addiction. In most cases, women - mothers, sisters, wives - are susceptible to codependency.

What is codependency

Codependency is the result of gradual adaptation to an existing problem in the family. At first it becomes a means of protection for survival in the current circumstances, and over time it turns into a way of life. The reasons for the occurrence of this condition in relatives of drug addicts lie in emotional or social dependence. A wife can be codependent on her husband not only out of affection for him, but also because she has nowhere to leave him. Parents cannot abandon their child suffering from drug addiction because they feel responsible for him.

Codependency syndrome in drug addiction is characterized by:

Denial of the problem, delusion, attempts to deceive oneself.
Unconscious (compulsive) actions, unmotivated aggression towards others.
Complete apathy.
Decreased self-esteem, deep feelings of guilt.
Deterioration in health caused by constant stress.

The peculiarity of codependency is that close people begin to look for excuses for the behavior of the drug addict, for any of his actions. The mother can be sure that her son is being drawn into a bad environment by friends; the wife blames herself for the fact that her husband stole things from neighbors to buy the next dose. Drug addicts quickly realize this and turn into master manipulators.

Codependency is the result of gradual adaptation to an existing problem in the family.

By allowing the behavior of another person to influence their own lives, codependent people lose freedom and become completely subordinate to the subject of their addiction. The painful condition develops differently in each person. This is influenced by character, lifestyle, and upbringing. Those most susceptible to it are:

People who themselves grew up in dysfunctional families, whose parents suffered from alcoholism. Children of alcoholics quickly become accustomed to an unhealthy lifestyle.
Orphans raised in orphanage. Deprived of emotional attachment in childhood, they easily fall under the influence of a drug addict.
Victims of violence - both sexual and emotional. Mental disorders affect the perception of the behavior of a loved one.

Trying to save a loved one, codependents are unable to adequately evaluate their own actions. Despite the fact that there is no such diagnosis in any medical reference book, codependency needs to be treated until pathological condition did not take on an ugly form.

Signs of codependency at different stages

Codependency develops gradually; this condition is formed in several stages. Each of them has certain characteristics.

Stage No. 1 – the role of the savior. The first symptoms of codependency are an attempt not only to help the addict, but also to enter into his position. The attitude towards what is happening changes: there is a denial of the problem, the codependent relative believes that the loved one is doing everything in order to independently cope with the addiction. A mother or wife gives away their last money, assuring themselves that this is happening in last time. They feel increased responsibility for problems in the family and show excessive tolerance for the inappropriate behavior of a drug-addicted relative.

Stage No. 2 – the role of the pursuer. Realizing that all attempts to save a loved one have not led to success, that the problem is only getting worse every day, the codependent moves to drastic measures. A sign of the transition to this phase is the desire to control every step of the addict: reading correspondence on the phone and the Internet, attempts to isolate him from a harmful environment, scandals with friends. Attempts are made to send the patient to a drug treatment clinic for coding or detoxification. At the same time, the drug addict continues to manipulate his family, and over time the problem moves into the third and final stage.

Stage No. 3 – the role of the victim. Entering this phase means that the relatives have lost the fight, and the addict realizes this. He begins to put pressure on the conscience of loved ones, skillfully cultivating in them a deep sense of guilt. Gradually, the codependent begins to believe that it is he who is the source of the problem - he did not give enough love, deprived him of attention, did not notice the trouble in time. As a result, self-esteem rapidly drops, any sensible arguments are ignored, and a depressed mood is typical. A person turns into a victim than full blast a drug addict uses it: he puts pressure on self-pity, demonstrates threats to commit suicide.

As a result, everyone suffers - both the codependent himself and the people who are forced to be nearby. There is only one way out - to realize that such a condition is pathological and seek help from specialists.

How to get rid of codependency

The main point in the fight against an addiction is to understand that medical help is needed not only by a person addicted to drugs, but also by a relative who is codependent on him. Sympathy and the desire to save only aggravate the situation: justifying the actions of a drug addict, shielding him from others prevent the sick person from realizing the scale of the problem.

Treating a drug addict without treating the codependency of his loved ones is absolutely useless. It is important that after staying in a drug treatment clinic, a person finds himself in a healthy environment, where his actions and behavior will be assessed adequately, where he can receive the necessary moral support.

To get rid of codependency, it is important to learn how to behave correctly with a drug addict and stop taking all responsibility upon yourself. Overcoming the problem begins with refusing to play the role of a victim: everyone must be responsible only for their own actions. Compulsory treatment of codependency is ineffective - the person himself must realize the need to change his attitude towards life. Rehabilitation centers offer various options therapy, including anonymous.

Psychotherapy

People suffering from codependency are in dire need of psychological assistance. Relatives of drug addicts need to learn to love themselves again, remember their desires and goals. The psychologist will ask you to fill out a questionnaire and, based on the data received, will help you understand the problem and choose an individual solution to it.

Psychotherapy for codependents works on the same principle as for drug addicts and includes:

A series of individual sessions with a psychotherapist.
Group classes and communication with other codependents.
Help in resolving behavioral conflicts: how to behave in stressful situation, how to recognize manipulation on the part of a drug addict and learn to think about yourself.

Group activities and communication with other codependents can be a solution to the problem of codependency.

During the classes, relatives learn to exist next to a sick person without destroying their own lives. The ability to look at the problem from the outside helps to see the drug addict in his real guise and understand his mistakes in communicating with him.

Valentina Novikova's method

Valentina Novikova is a clinical psychologist, director of programs developed within the framework of the School of Independence project. According to her method, treatment of a drug addict and people codependent on him should be carried out simultaneously. The author of a course of lectures in which simple and accessible language talks about the causes and features of the development of codependency.

Key postulates of therapy:

Drug addiction is a common problem, and all family members should be treated.
Changing your attitude towards drug addiction means you will not achieve success without it.
Being sick is not a shame; it is a shame not to want to become healthy.

Valentina Novikova’s method helps you find the strength to cope with codependency. This will allow you to understand yourself and radically change your life.

Winehold method

Berry and Janay Weinhold are the authors of Breaking Free from Codependency. In it, they reveal the causes of the problem and offer effective mechanisms to get rid of it. Effective methods were developed based on personal experience and working with patients. The book discusses various therapy options that are used in rehabilitation centers. Regardless of whether the patient has undergone treatment in a drug treatment clinic or not, this publication will help create more productive and close relationships in the family.

Drug addiction is not just a disease, but social problem, which affects everyone who comes into contact with a drug addict in one way or another. Codependency can lead a person to the edge of the abyss, so it is very important to realize in time existing problem and ask for help.

Natalya Kaptsova - practitioner of integral neuroprogramming, expert psychologist

Reading time: 10 minutes

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Unlike alcohol (or even drug) addiction, which everyone recognizes as such, few people recognize codependency as an illness. Rather, it’s quite the opposite – they simply deny it or don’t notice it. Although practicing psychologists believe that this disorder requires treatment without fail.

What is this codependency, is it so terrible, and how to get rid of it?

What is codependency - types and stages of codependency in relationships

The term “codependency” is usually used to describe a (permanent) state that involves deep absorption in another person and a powerful dependence on him (note – physical, primitive social or emotional).

To put it simply, codependency is when we are forced to live someone else’s life to our own detriment, resignedly lying down under the steamroller of another person’s needs. It’s all for him to forget about himself.

The reasons for codependency lie in early “difficult” childhood, and everyone has their own (from a penniless childhood and lack of love to alcoholic parents, domestic violence and other childhood moral traumas).

Of course, there are many more “masks” of codependency. They can be changed or even worn at the same time. It is impossible to list everything. Therefore, you should not think that if you haven’t found your “portrait” here, then you don’t have codependency.

Stages of codependency in relationships - how does it develop?

Naturally, it does not come out of nowhere - its roots are in the subconscious.

But the development of codependency does not happen in 1 day...

1st stage. Attachment to a partner is formed. In the process of its formation, any shortcomings (including obvious points that should be focused on), mistakes, errors, bad habits and so on. go unnoticed. A person simply ignores them because feelings are overwhelming, and through rose-colored glasses, shortcomings always seem like nonsense, or even advantages. At the same time, social connections are reduced to nothing - there are fewer and fewer meetings with friends, walks around the city, visits to relatives, etc. The circle closes around one single person.
2nd stage. A white lie: everything is good, everything is great, and even if it’s bad, it will pass. We just have to wait it out. This is what a codependent thinks when faced with the other side of the relationship. Self-esteem drops to a minimum, there is no one to talk to (all contacts have long been reduced to nothing), confusion gives way to depression, aggression, hysterics, etc. (each has his own, in accordance with the situation and moral stability). Gradually the realization comes that it will no longer be possible to live separately and independently. I still want to change something, but the fear is stronger.
3rd stage. Humility, indifference, apathy. It doesn’t matter what will happen tomorrow, what is today, and Groundhog Day repeats itself endlessly from month to month. The desire to change anything disappears completely. A constant feeling of emptiness and depression gradually affect your health.

The dangers of codependency - how do codependent people behave in relationships?

At its core, codependency is a kind of adaptation to conditions in which you feel uncomfortable, and in which you take on more than you should and can bear.

What signs can be used to determine that you are codependent?

You feel constant discomfort, but you don’t understand where it comes from and how to deal with it.
You know where your discomfort comes from, but you don’t want to fight it because you’re lazy, scared, or you can’t.
You are a chronically tired person, but you can’t even give yourself an hour to rest, because the word “should” runs ahead of you.
You have given up communicating with friends and are building your entire world only around him (her).
You deny yourself your desires, hobbies, interests if your partner doesn’t like it.
You pass all problems “through your heart,” including other people’s problems. You are not able to determine the line beyond which your problems end and other people’s problems begin, which you should not solve. You take on everything that is assigned to you, and even take the initiative yourself.
You have extremely low self-esteem. And even rare support from the outside is not able to convince you that you are beautiful, talented, self-sufficient, etc. (underline as necessary).
You are afraid of tarnishing your reputation. The worst thing for you is if they think badly of you.
You often find yourself in situations in which you or your expectations are deceived.
You should have everything under control. Even things that you don’t need to think about at all and aren’t supposed to.

Is codependency dangerous?

Yes, it's dangerous. Especially when she goes to stage 2. Because it is already difficult to leave the 2nd stage, and at the 3rd stage, codependency can even lead to suicide.

Codependency is not a “symbiosis” of two partners, this is a disease that needs to be treated. On your own - or with the help of specialists.

How to get rid of codependency in relationships and find freedom - practical advice from psychologists

Refusal from codependency always causes “withdrawal” and resistance from the body. There is a feeling that trying to get out of this “vicious circle” is almost a betrayal of the partner.

In fact, you need to clearly understand that only those relationships will become truly harmonious, warm and creative, in which there is no harm to one’s own interests.

It is clear that in a relationship someone is always forced to give in, but if that someone is always you, then you are already on the wrong road.

First of all, you need to realize and accept the fact that you are codependent. , and that this is a problem that needs to be solved.
Figure out what are the roots and causes of your codependency. Why are you behaving this way? What are you trying to achieve? What are you running from? What are your fears?
Get rid of your fears. This is sometimes the most important thing. And often this is enough to see life with fresh eyes. How to get rid of fears? Just. Start small. For example, you are afraid to sing in front of someone. Start singing. At home, with members of the household. Karaoke with friends. On the balcony, in the bathroom, in line at the checkout, humming your favorite songs to yourself. Further more. Are you afraid of loneliness? Take advantage of the opportunity to be alone more often. Go on business trips, spend the night with your parents, do something that requires you to often leave home and your partner.
The desire to indulge, save, control, patronize, dissolve, and take responsibility for everything should not become your habit, much less your worldview. Fight such habits immediately. It’s one thing to greet your husband every evening with dinner, and quite another to watch him at the door, bring him slippers and look into his eyes like a dog. You are 100% self-sufficient. If you want, you will be kind today, and if you don’t want to, then even dinner won’t be ready, because you worked 12 hours at work and you don’t have the strength. If he wants, let him order pizza. Of course, there is no need to rush from one extreme to another. No one has canceled their responsibilities in the family, and no one is interested in a wife who doesn’t care about anything. It is important to feel the line beyond which the natural desire to do something useful and pleasant ends, and stupid self-sacrifice begins.
and your free time. Stop humiliating yourself with self-criticism, find within yourself best sides and develop them. Develop yourself as a whole. You should not stand still or languish in the swamp of your self-sacrifice, you have life, and only one - use it wisely. Remember what you wanted, what you dreamed about, what remained unfinished and unmaterialized.
Clearly realize that there are things, events, etc. that are beyond our control. For example, it is impossible to earn all the money, take home all the stray dogs, help everyone in need, etc. Do what you can. Don't try to jump above yourself. Of course, there are situations that require us to sacrifice ourselves (for example, the illness of a loved one), but self-sacrifice should not become the norm. This is an exception, a feat, if you like. There must be a really serious and compelling reason for you to give up everything you love, either because your partner wants it or because at will, but for his sake. If there is no such reason (no one dies, there is no threat to life and health), then you are on the wrong path.
Don't try to solve everything at once. This is impossible. Even if you abruptly break off the relationship, your codependency will not go away, it will simply be transferred to another person. You must solve the problem “on the spot” - gradually, step by step, noting, recognizing and correcting all your mistakes. We need to learn to solve problems on the ground, and not run away from them.
Realize that complete dissolution in your partner and abandonment of your own life is a path to nowhere. If you give everything, then there is nothing left of you (according to the laws of physics and more). Empty place. You cannot allow yourself to dissolve in a person so much that only your shadow remains. Anything can happen in life - a partner can leave, get sick, die. And then what to do if you can’t imagine life without him? Loving with all your soul is wonderful. Giving yourself wholeheartedly is wonderful. But be sure to keep at least a small part of yourself. So as not to go crazy if “it will be excruciatingly painful.” And to have enough strength to cope with fears, loneliness and other difficulties.

And - be yourself.

Codependency is a kind of duplicity. Moreover, it is destructive for the codependent and for relationships in general.

How do you know if you have recovered from codependency?

You are filled with joy from the feeling of freedom. Not imaginary, but real. Fatigue and depression were replaced by lightness and the desire to live to the fullest.
Everything that bothered you no longer bothers you. Because you have either already solved the problem or changed your attitude towards it.
You have refused responsibility for the life and health of the partner.
The boundaries of what is permitted are clearly defined in your relationship.
You no longer have the fear of losing your partner and be left alone.
You stopped talking a lot about nothing. That is, to prove something to someone, constantly explain, make excuses and complain.
You quite calmly replace his interests with yours. , and feel no remorse.

No matter how difficult it may be, remember that you can solve any problem. The main thing is to understand this and start working in this direction.

And one day you will celebrate your own independence day.

Have there been similar situations in your relationship? And how did you get out of them? Share your stories in the comments below!

This is a psychological condition in which the patient is completely subject to the whims and desires of the drinking personality. Getting rid of codependency in alcoholism is not easy. The patient needs to recognize and accept that he has psychological problems. Only in this case will it be possible to get rid of them.

Alcohol and codependency are two concepts that cannot be separated. They differ from each other only in psychological terms. Codependency, as a rule, affects non-drinkers and family members of an alcoholic (wife or spouse, parents, children and other household members).

A codependent person indulges the alcoholic in everything: he makes excuses for him in front of strangers, does everything for him, solves his problems. This disease is most often observed in the wife of an alcoholic. She is ready to endure all the antics of her drinking husband just to preserve family relationships.

Codependency in chronic alcoholism must be treated. It is a serious illness. In addition, this pathology aggravates the alcoholism of a family member.

The addict gets used to having everything done for him and his problems being solved. As a result, the alcoholic loses any responsibility and does not realize that he is sick.

Risk group

Caring for a loved one is normal. But codependency in alcoholism in a relationship implies excessive care. The patient has emotional problems.
He denies reality, engages in self-deception, and does not acknowledge the presence of problems in the family associated with alcoholism.

Most often this psychological state The following groups of people are affected:

people with low self-esteem;
persons who, for some reason, hate themselves, feel guilty;
individuals who long time suppress their anger.

Such patients experience problems in their sexual life. They withdraw into themselves and are constantly depressed. In some cases, suicide attempts may occur.

Almost every woman who has been affected by the problem of drug addiction and drunkenness in family relationships, becomes codependent. For her, this is a normal way of life, she does not see anything terrible in it. This condition needs to be dealt with urgently.

Causes

Most people look at an alcoholic with pity and misunderstanding. But there is a category of people who begin to blame themselves for the occurrence of addictions. They are ashamed of their well-being.
Such individuals, as a rule, develop codependency. They try to “make amends” to the alcoholic. He is overprotected. They try to help with everything. Pathology can also be caused by the following factors:

lack of self-realization;
childhood abuse;
suffered stressful and shock situations.

In addition, pathology can develop as a result of regular psychological pressure from drinking man. Initially, codependency may manifest itself weakly, but over time, the whole life of a sick person begins to revolve around the alcoholic.

Psychological model

Relationship psychology identifies three types of behavior of a codependent person with alcoholism:

victim;
pursuer;
savior.

The victim constantly complains to friends and acquaintances about his life. How difficult it is for her to deal with a drinking person. For this model of behavior, the surrounding people act as a “vest”.

The persecutor is obsessed with the idea of curing the alcoholic. Moreover, he can behave very aggressively:

scream;
intimidate;
threaten with violence.

He tries to completely control the behavior of a loved one (checks pockets, does not allow him to communicate with friends, forbids him to go anywhere without his knowledge, etc.).

The Savior believes that the dependent person needs him. He is visited by thoughts that with his excessive concern he is helping an alcoholic. Moreover real help it turns out to be the minimum so that the addict needs it constantly.

Signs

To make it easier to get rid of codependency, it must be identified in time. This is much more difficult to do than to determine alcoholism.

After a certain period of time, the patient experiences the following symptoms:

the desire to create for the addict all the conditions for a comfortable life;
creating “barriers” from the outside world;
ignoring drunkenness and its consequences (beatings, swearing, taking valuable items out of the house, etc.);
excessive care for a dependent person, fulfilling all his duties, solving the problems of an alcoholic;
endless searches and destruction of hidden alcoholic beverages;
attempts to protect the alcoholic from the bad influence of drinking buddies;
desire to benefit a family member with alcohol addiction;
reluctance to seek help from strangers;
low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence;
feeling of guilt before the alcoholic;
lack of self-development and realization;
feeling of despair, inability to influence what is happening in family life;
fear of being alone;
a feeling of anxiety that develops into panic.

The listed manifestations indicate the emergence of codependency in alcoholism. It is important to understand that this is a disease that needs to be fought. A qualified psychotherapist will help with this.

The danger of codependency

Pathology poses a threat both to the codependent person and to the drinking individual:

Due to the actions of the codependent, the alcoholic withdraws from his problem. “It’s useless to treat him, we’ve already tried absolutely everything,” that’s what his relatives say. The problem of an alcoholic, in his opinion, is becoming common. As a result, the drinker gets the feeling that nothing bad is happening;
An alcoholic lives in absolute comfort. They do everything for him, justify him, solve problems. The patient shifts all responsibility onto the shoulders of those around him. Soon, close people, in his opinion, become guilty even of his drinking;
As a result of the fact that an alcoholic is constantly scolded, blamed, criticized, he loses self-confidence. He doesn't want to do anything anymore. He loses the motivation to fight his addiction.

A codependent person with alcoholism has a significant decrease in self-esteem, and he is very ashamed of his relative. As a result of this he:

becomes withdrawn;
protected from society.

Stress becomes a normal state for the patient.

The codependent is in despair because he cannot help a close relative. Suicide attempts may often occur.

If measures to get rid of addiction are not started in time, psychosomatic pathologies may appear:

irregularities in work internal organs;
vascular spasms;
frequent migraines;
muscle spasms;
insomnia.

At first, these disorders look like a common ailment, but after a certain period of time, serious illnesses begin to appear:

psoriasis;
decrease or increase in intravenous pressure;
peptic ulcer;
gastritis;
bronchial asthma;
colitis.

Codependency in alcoholism is not only an emotional disorder. If you do not consult a psychologist in time, complications may arise that require serious treatment.

Treatment methods and good reasons for it

To avoid serious consequences and return to a harmonious life, the disease must be treated. Codependency in alcoholism is a web that drags the patient in. After a certain time, if treatment measures are not taken, the possibility of eliminating the pathology is practically reduced to zero.

To get rid of a disease you need to accept it and want to be cured. To do this, you can read the book by V. D. Moskalenko “Codependency: characteristics and practice of overcoming.” In it you can find many useful tips that will help you cope with pathology.

In addition, to cope with the disease, you need to consult a psychoanalyst. A highly qualified specialist will perform the following actions:

conduct a personal conversation;
will help you look at problems in family life from a completely different perspective;
prescribe group therapeutic activities;
will give recommendations on how to restore emotional balance;
will teach you how to effectively cope with stressful situations.

The patient must follow all the advice of the psychologist. It is very important to recognize your problem and return to real life. Although it's not quite easy.

But is there a way to overcome this painful codependency and start living fully? And is it possible to do this without refusing to help the dependent relative?

The “Men and Women” and “Psychological” forums of the Ykt.ru website are full of tops with a similar problem. Internet users are trying to find support and answers to eternal questions: “How to save?” and “What should I do?” One of the topics received 425 comments, existing since 2009 and once again proving that the problem of the diseases of addiction and promiscuity continues to be relevant. I will give an example of several virtual requests (spelling and punctuation are preserved).

My husband drinks. How should I behave?

I won’t leave my husband - don’t even advise me. Because I am financially dependent, although I work myself, I can’t afford the children’s budget salary. At the beginning of family life, I constantly persuaded, endured, set ultimatums, coded - everything went through, it was useless. I cried, from the sight of a drunk man, I was shaking, hysterical. Now I realized that with this anger I am destroying myself, children are witnessing scandals. Over time, I simply began to turn a blind eye to these drinking sessions. When he comes, he will lie down in another room. I close the door, he’s not violent, he’s also silent when he’s hungover, he doesn’t demand money for his hangover. I kind of pulled away: “Well, you drink and drink, you’ll die faster.” I don’t even start conversations on this topic. I don't care. Am I doing the right thing? Fight for him? Or is it better to keep your calm? I love him, but my mental health is more important to me. Choosing between two evils: being alone or living with drunkenness, I remain with an alcoholic, giving up my hands, the children only see my silent consent. I want to live, feel happy and not go crazy until my hair is gray from this drunk’s next binge!

The drug addict brother tortured me!

I'm tired of my drug addict brother - I have no strength! He sold his car and spent 40 thousand rubles on drugs! We don’t take him to a mental hospital or drug treatment center, because we think that this is not a solution, because we’ll ruin our whole life!

My husband is getting stoned! Help!

He orders something online, then gets stoned, he’s already got it! He says he’ll quit, but I think he’s already gotten into it. I tried this way and that to help him, but nothing helped. I'm tired. A little more of this life and I won’t be afraid of being a divorced woman with two children than living with a drug addict. It’s still as if I live alone; he hardly participates in the lives of his children. What to do?

Dad, don't drink!

I remember my father being drunk from the age of five. Every morning I asked my mother whether Dad was sober. I was very afraid to leave the room if my father was drinking, because he could shout at me for a long time, humiliate me and even beat me. On such days there was nothing to eat at home, it was dirty, there were bottles lying around and there was an acidic smell. Often my mother and I could not get home because my father locked the door from the inside and slept without hearing bells or knocks. We had to wait until late at the entrance, hoping that he would open the door, and when there was no longer any hope, we went to our friends. This could go on for a week every month. On such days, I, already a school student, did my homework on my knees if the textbook was at hand, and went to school sleep-deprived and angry. No, my children will not have such a childhood.

Daughter is an alcoholic

Dear forum users! My daughter drinks. I myself am tired and don’t know how to help her and I can’t kick her out - she’s not a husband you can divorce. How many worries, sleepless nights, persuasion, medicines, money, police,... psychiatric hospitals, coding. How much dirt, insults, and even beatings can you endure? And this is not a day, not two, not months, but years. A normal person next to you, as a rule, cannot stand it. He dies faster than an alcoholic. How to get rid of codependency without refusing to help your daughter?

The stories are as old as time and similar to each other. But let's see what forum users advise people who are dependent on unlucky relatives. In the sea of recommendations, I selected a few interesting options.

First of all, you need to support yourself morally, so that your friends support you and inspire self-confidence. Distract yourself from work or hobbies.

I think that there is no way to completely get rid of codependency, at least while you live with the addict. There is only one way out - to break up, to isolate yourself from the drug addict or alcoholic. Otherwise, everything could end badly.

A good psychologist can help you. But if psychology is alien to you, then all you can do is pray.

The AlAnon program for codependents, reading books on the topic of getting rid of codependency, accepting the situation as follows: He is sick - you are staff who do not have the right to empathy can help. When you accept this position, behavior patterns and, as a result, life itself change little by little.

You don’t have to tolerate her bad behavior towards yourself. Stop feeling sorry for her. They feel, it seems to me, pity, and they take advantage of it, manipulate it, and slowly tie it to themselves.

The addict makes his own choice and we should not be held responsible for this choice and its consequences! If in force various reasons If we decide to stay close, we need to be firm and consistent and in no way allow this addiction to fill our lives.

From my sad experience I can say this. You need to “distance yourself” as much as possible from the person. Not “quit” if such a decision has been made or there is no possibility, but simply stop living his life and start living your own. True, pity is inappropriate here, but anger, contempt, and irritation are also inappropriate. It is necessary to show the patient that we - members of his family - live next to him, but we have a different, normal life: we work, go to visit, play and walk with children, study, perhaps, etc. And he is sick, so he takes part in this normal life when he can and wants it. We don’t push him away, we love him, but we are different, we are healthy, and we have the right to live like all normal people. He is sick and can join this normal life at any time, no one forbids him. Those. the person and his illness are separated. Also good method was - to eliminate all the consequences of drinking yourself. Got drunk and slept through work? Go and deal with your superiors yourself. Did you get your things dirty? You wash it yourself. Dirty dishes? You wash yourself when you sober up. And so on. And sometimes it turns out that this “Miracle” gets everything dirty, pollutes the whole house, and you diligently clean everything, sort out its problems, wake you up for work in the morning, etc. Why not drink in such royal conditions?

I know one family. My classmate grew up in a family where her father often drank and beat her mother. His wife endured it, remained silent, then she began to drink and died. But my classmate and her brothers and sisters had an unhappy life. She married an alcoholic, her brother drinks all his life, and her sister doesn’t drink at all and cannot get married - she sees every man as a potential alcoholic. The mother shouldn’t have endured it, and then the children wouldn’t have grown up like that.

When someone in the family drinks, everyone suffers. This is called dry alcoholization. You need to make the final choice for yourself. If you are financially dependent, look for a way to earn extra money. No hopeless situations. The main thing is to understand: HOW DO YOU WANT TO LIVE YOUR LIFE?!

A woman should live independently of her drinking husband. We must learn to live our own lives, and not die with a drunk. Alcoholism in most cases ends sadly and tragically.

Alcoholism has no cure at all. No “Love” can stand in front of drunks, drug addicts and others, unless they themselves express a desire. One more glass, a dose - and off we go again... Women are deceived, thinking that they will marry them and change them - they will never succeed. Read the tops - they are all drunks, unhappy in love, drug addicts, abandoned girls, divorcees - and learn from the mistakes of others, not your own. Do you think that you are smarter, wiser, stronger than these losers? Believe me, you are no better than them - you will still have the same ending as theirs, if not worse.

Now you need to decide how to live further: with him or without him. If you decide to live on without him, then you need to convince yourself that this is exactly what you wanted, find all the advantages of your current situation and what horror you got rid of. If you decide to live together, you will have to return him. I'm not saying to put up with his alcoholism, no. Try to save him, yourself and your family. You need to pull him out of this hole together. Not a single person has ever been able to stop drinking until he wanted to. And if you want to quit, you can always find a way. Explain to him what you tried to write here, tell him that you feel bad without him, that you love him, but you can’t live with an alcoholic. Perhaps he already realized this himself and his alcoholism got to him. Don’t give him an ultimatum: “It’s either me or vodka,” but say: “Let’s do everything together so that you don’t become an alcoholic, so that we can live happily.

You know, they say that a wife pities and drags her drug-addict-alcoholic husband to the last, but such a husband will never tolerate an alcoholic and drug-addicted wife next to him.

I had exactly the same situation. For 3 whole years I hoped that he would change and be very good father All in vain! It would have been better to get a divorce sooner. Now it’s too late and my little son is left alone in this world! I forgave him every time. At the age of 11, he became completely insolent with his friends - he smoked in the apartment, he always said: the first and last time. Girls, women, get a divorce before he kills you and your child.

And I don’t understand at all why live with this? If you still love, then at least for prevention you should get a divorce. In general, we need to open concentration camps to everyone who is crazy! So that you understand what's what!

I always played an open game with my drug addict. I told him: “I won’t hide it from any of my relatives - let them connect. By hiding and fearing his reaction, you make yourself weak, and him strong and unpunished. This is not a disease, but promiscuity, that’s what I always told my husband, unscrupulous, irresponsible people. Unhappy, of course, but for the most part, this position is beneficial for them in the family - “I’m a victim, I’m a good person, just a misunderstood person.” Never feel sorry for a drug addict, otherwise he will impose such a feeling of guilt on you for his own behavior that you will never leave him.

Drug addicts don’t need anything - no vacation at sea, no home renovations, no walks with children, no parents. Their goal is to do stupid things, get stoned and forget! I let him go with God.

How I feel sorry for you, wives, mothers, sisters, who have relatives who are drug addicts. This is such a cross! You give them so much effort, but nothing changes. And it’s a shame to leave, but it’s no longer possible to live together. You have to think about yourself and the child, but you can’t get a drug addict out.

Addiction is a family disease

A little theory. In the book “Addiction: a family disease” by psychiatrist-narcologist V.D. Moskalenko wrote: “The relatives of patients suffer no less, and sometimes even more, because they do not drink and endure their pain without alcohol anesthesia, than the patients themselves.” According to Moskalenko’s definition, a codependent person is completely absorbed in controlling the behavior of another person and does not care at all about satisfying his own vital needs. pay attention to character traits codependent people - these are the ones you will have to work on in order to start living a full life: low self-esteem, dependence on assessing the opinions of others, negative emotions, abandonment of yourself and your feelings, searching for reasons to justify a relative’s dependence, anxiety, shame, guilt, anger, despair And so on. Manifestations of codependency are diverse and concern all aspects of life, worldview, human behavior, belief system and values, as well as physical health. Alcoholics are great at projecting and transferring guilt onto others, often onto their wives. And being sick, suffering both mentally and physically is typical for the wife of an alcoholic. But despite her torment, she will never leave her tormentor. In her subconscious, she considers herself a saint, that without her her husband will be lost.

All in your hands

Dependent people, like everyone else, also need love. But while loving them, do not let your attention, first of all, your own life. This is not selfishness, but a reasonable measure. Once you learn to appreciate life regardless of your state of alcoholism or drug addiction, your self-esteem will increase. And a relative suffering from the “disease of promiscuity” will have respect for you. And advice to go to treatment is easier to accept from the lips of a person he respects, and not from the lips of a grumpy accuser. So family health can begin with a sober family member, that is, with you. How to do this, I hope that everyone has found for themselves in this material helpful advice. Unfortunately, I was unable to find anonymous groups in Yakutsk for relatives of addicts (AlAnon, Nar-Anon). Those that worked several years ago have fallen apart. Judging by the reviews of Internet users, participants in such groups came to meetings with the goal of pouring out their souls, not wanting to accept help and work on themselves. Therefore, in this situation best option in the fight for your own happiness - work on yourself by attending individual consultations or group trainings with a psychologist working with addiction. This is the only way you can help yourself and possibly save your family. All in your hands!

Advice from a practicing psychologistSvetlana Ionina

- Psychologists have been studying the problems of codependency for quite some time. Some suggest getting rid of it using a 12-step recovery program in psychological support groups. This is a rather long and difficult path. It is better to seek help from a psychologist. If for some reason this is impossible to do, then I would advise you to get the book “Liberation from Codependency” by B. and J. Weinhold. A few more recommendations on how you can get rid of codependency addiction.

1. Stop playing the “savior” role. Family members often try to help a person who is addicted to alcohol or drug addiction get out of all sorts of situations related to abuse. It is important to immediately stop all such rescue actions, so that, for example, the alcoholic himself can deal with the consequences of drunkenness - as a result, he may have a desire to quit drinking.
2. Choose the right time to talk. Plan to talk with the alcoholic soon after problems arise due to his drinking. Choose a moment when he is sober, when you are both calm and can talk privately.
3. Be specific. Tell your relative that you are concerned about their alcohol abuse and want to help. Support your concerns with examples of times when his drinking caused problems for his family and himself.
4. State the consequences. Tell the alcoholic that until he agrees to treatment, you will act - not to punish him, but to protect yourself and your family from the consequences of his drinking. Your actions can range from refusing to go to a party to leaving home. Don't make threats that you can't follow through on.
5. Be willing to help. Collect information in advance about possible options treatment. If the alcoholic agrees to treatment, call immediately and make an appointment with a doctor. Invite your relative to go with them to their first doctor's appointment.
6. Call a friend. If the alcoholic still refuses treatment, ask a friend to talk to him using the techniques described above. A friend who is himself a recovering alcoholic can have a particularly powerful impact. To persuade an alcoholic to seek treatment often requires the intervention of more than one person and requires more than one conversation.
7. Your strength is in alliance with others. You can team up with relatives, friends, and a doctor so that a whole group of people confronts the alcoholic. This approach can be effective, but must be done carefully. It is better if an experienced doctor leads the group influence on an alcoholic.
8. Seek support for yourself. Whether the alcoholic agrees to treatment or not, you will benefit from support from people in similar situations. Communication with people facing similar problems will help you realize that relatives are not responsible for the alcoholic’s drinking habits, and they need to take care of themselves, regardless of the alcoholic’s consent or disagreement to treatment.

In the medical literature it is usually classified as addiction. Addictions are divided into chemical and non-chemical, and they have different degrees of severity of manifestations and duration. Unfortunately, addiction also has a profound impact on family members of the addict. Often they are completely absorbed in caring for the addict, helping him hide the manifestations of addiction and eliminate its especially severe consequences. This situation in psychology is referred to as codependency.

The most complete definition of codependency today is as follows: a codependent is a person whose all efforts are aimed at controlling the behavior of another person to the detriment of his own needs.

Neglect of one's own needs is a key characteristic of a codependent. Sometimes a codependent even sacrifices the needs of life for the sake of the illusory benefit of the dependent.

Signs of a codependent person

Most characteristics of codependency can be grouped into several groups:

Obsessive need to control the lives of relatives. Codependency in the family is control. Attempts are made to control not only the behavior of loved ones, but also the impression made by the family on others. The more severe the condition of the addict, the worse the situation in the family, the more energetically the codependent tries to influence it. Codependents are confident that they not only know better than others what is good and what is bad, but that they have the right to force family members to act as they see fit. Moreover, any methods are used for this - threats, blackmail, persuasion, scandals. At the same time, the helplessness of the ward is emphasized, his inability to independent actions. Often, attempts at total control turn against the codependent himself, subjugating his entire life and leading to depression or attacks of uncontrollable anger.
Low self-esteem. This trait influences all others and creates the motivation for most of the actions of codependents. Due to low self-esteem, all their actions are aimed at gaining approval from the outside, at building ideal relationships, and creating an impeccable family. But since most codependents themselves come from dysfunctional families, they lack communication skills in a normal family. Families created by codependents inherit pathological patterns of behavior. In the absence of approval and support, codependent individuals can become aggressive and intolerant.
The desire to care for others. This desire dominates the motivation of codependents. It determines all their actions. Often they take on more than they can handle, earning various ailments. Codependents do not know how to refuse. They will fulfill the request, even understanding its harm. Often such care brings more harm What's the benefit - codependents buy their loved ones alcohol and get drugs at their request.

Causes of codependency

According to most psychologists, codependency develops in people who grew up in antisocial families. Their parents or immediate family members experienced some kind of addiction. Often in families of codependents there are cases of physical punishment or violence. At the same time, direct expression of feelings was prohibited, the child was reprimanded, and was forbidden to cry and laugh.

There may be cases where a person with an impeccable childhood marries someone who suffers from addiction. If such a marriage persists long enough, a previously healthy family member develops codependency. More often, codependency in family relationships occurs if both spouses are dependent people. In one of them, addiction manifests itself as a painful addiction to alcohol or drugs, and in the other, codependency.

Conservative social institutions and religions play a significant role in cultivating codependency. The repeatedly repeated “a woman must endure” eventually becomes the truth, and the woman endures what is impossible and harmful to endure. Some religions also view a woman as a wordless element of patience and acceptance, which, when married to an addict, leads to the development of codependency.

Alas, in most cases, even after a breakup, the codependent transfers this painful tendency to all new relationships, turning them into codependency. Treatment is the only way to break out of the vicious circle of codependency and return to a normal life.

Psychosomatics and codependency

Unfortunately, codependency often goes from being purely psychological problems into the physical category. Long-term suppression negative emotions over time leads to the development of psychosomatic diseases. Depending on the constitution and characteristics of the body’s response, these may be spasms of blood vessels or smooth muscles, sleep disturbances, and disruption of the functioning of internal organs. Starting as a harmless ailment, it develops into such serious diseases as arterial hypertension, gastritis and colitis, bronchial asthma, peptic ulcer, psoriasis and others.

Ways of deliverance

As painful as it may be to realize, only he himself can help a codependent. There are a huge variety of treatment methods, but in all of them the first step is for the codependent to admit that his condition is also an addiction. Fortunately, you can take this step at any time.

There are a huge variety of methods that offer how to get rid of codependency. The following are most often practiced around the world:

Education on addiction and codependency;
Marital therapy;
Self-help groups.

Codependency is a family disease, so recovery for one person is impossible. In developed countries, family therapy is practiced, when both the addicted person and the codependent are treated in parallel. A wide variety of work methods are used: group classes, educational conversations and lectures, training in methods of dealing with stress, individual and pair work with a psychologist, watching videos and reading books with stories of cures, conversations and exchange of experiences with those who have been cured, monitoring one’s condition using diaries and questionnaires.

The entire course of treatment takes place in a hospital setting; patients perform various therapeutic procedures almost around the clock. They have minimal free time and virtually no opportunities to continue codependent relationships. This serves as one of the important treatment procedures.

We don't have one yet specialized institutions, which treat codependency. How to get rid of it becomes an individual problem. There are psychological assistance groups, group and individual classes are held in specialized centers, and many qualified psychologists work. But still, without the desire of the codependent, no one will help him change.

The main problem of a codependent is low self-esteem and many fears. The most common of them:

Fear of loneliness. A dependent person, with all his shortcomings, will always be there, will need help, you can take care of him and patronize him.
Fear of judgment.“What will the neighbors say?” - the question at first glance is not so significant, but extremely important for the codependent. What will they say about constant scandals, antics for the sake of alcohol, sloppy appearance? This pushes the codependent to voluntarily buy alcohol - otherwise there will be a scandal, to issue fake sick leave - otherwise they will be fired from work, to lie to others and other actions in order to create the illusion of a normal family.
Fear for the addict. That he would be in pain, that he would commit suicide due to withdrawal symptoms, that he would go to prison. The behavior of a codependent often leads to exactly the consequences that he feared. But he tried to prevent this.
And the most difficult thing is the fear of your personal, separate life. Fear or inability to choose your own path and therefore replacing it with concern for your neighbor.

These fears must be dealt with first.

The goal of any psychotherapeutic work with codependents is to separate them from addicts and allow them to live their own lives. The codependent’s recognition of their painful condition is only the first step to begin work. Then begins the long, hard work of recognizing addiction as a condition that requires intensive treatment. And the treated addict needs independent strong personality. The formation of this personality is the final stage with codependents.