Humorous stories in English. Essay in English with translation
Reading stories in English is one of the main methods of learning the language. Working with stories on English language Helps expand vocabulary and grammatical literacy.
How can reading stories in English help?
The main principle in working with stories in English is systematicity. Only systematic work can guarantee the expected result.
Methodology for working with stories:
- The selected story needs to be read fluently for the first time: try to understand the general idea of what you read, do not try to understand every word;
- while reading a story in English for the second time pay attention to structures and use of grammar;
- interesting phrases from history can be written out in a separate notebook in order to be able to return to them in the future.
Constant work with stories will help improve.
English short stories for beginners
For beginners, stories in English with a simple plot and simple grammatical structures are suitable. These can be comic stories, simple plots and stories about animals, children, and travel.
A story in English about a boy who learned to see
This story uses And, it is understandable for speakers of levels A1-A2.
| In the railway carriage, one boy was laughing all the time, when he was looking at the window.
The man sitting in from of him was getting angry. He was very tired and he wanted to sleep. But the boy was laughing all the time and prevented him. The man could not stand it and said: - Mister, could you tell something to your son. Calm him down. The father didn’t say a word. Then the man said again: — I think, your son needs a doctor! His behavior is awful! - We have just been there. – smiled a father. The man surprised. Father continued: — My son started to see the world around him! His vision has been restored today. |
In a train carriage, one boy was constantly laughing as he looked out the window. The man who was sitting opposite began to get angry. He was tired and wanted to sleep. But the boy laughed and disturbed him. The man could not stand it and said: - Mister, could you calm your son down? The father remained silent. The boy continued to laugh. Then the man said again: “I think your son needs to be shown to a doctor.” - We were just there. – Father answered. The man was surprised. The boy's behavior made him very angry! Dad continued: — My son saw the world for the first time! His vision was restored. |
A story in English about a girl and a violin
This story is suitable to be read in context studying in English.
| One girl always wanted to learn how to play the violin. She was listening to music, watching concerts and was sitting sadly at the window.
Her family was very poor. They couldn't buy a violin for their daughters. But the girl tried not to be sad. She was happy when she heard the sound of a favorite musical instrument. She continued dreaming. Once she was walking on the street when she saw a homeless man, who was playing the violin. She has a few dollars with herself. She was so sorry for this man so she decided to give him her money. - Thank you, kind girl. – said the man. – What can I do for you? |
One girl always wanted to learn to play the violin. She listened to music, watched concerts and was sad by the window. Her family was very poor. They couldn't buy a violin for their daughter. But the girl was not sad. She was happy when she heard the sound of her favorite instrument and continued to dream. One day she was walking down the street and saw a homeless man playing the violin. She had a few dollars with her. She felt so sorry for the poor man that she gave him all her money. - Thank you, kind girl. – the man smiled. - What can I do for you? Blushing, she silently walked home. The next morning she found a violin near the door. There was a note next to her: "Kindness is always rewarded." |
Story in English about the nightingale and the rose
To consolidate knowledge about the simple and continuous past tense In English, this story is suitable with a simple plot and simple basic vocabulary.
| There was a rose in the garden. She was very sad and often cried. Other flowers had people who loved them. They were presented all the time. But rose wasn't. She had thorns.
Once the Nightingale sat near rose. He started to sing a beautiful song. She was looking at the rose and his song was perfect. The rose revived. She understood that somebody needs her. The bird was always sitting near here and singing its song. Once he flew up very close and the rose was frightened: - Fly away! – Cried she, – you can be pricked! - I'm not afraid. – said the nightingale. – You are very beautiful and I’m not afraid to be pricked. She heard such good words for the first time. She was pleased. And she understood that there is always somebody who will not be afraid of you. |
A beautiful rose grew in the garden. She was sad and cried often. Other flowers found owners - people picked them and gave them to each other. But no one touched the rose. It had sharp thorns. One day a nightingale sat on a nearby bush. He began to sing beautifully. He looked at the rose and sang a beautiful song. Rose came to life. She realized that someone needed her. The bird constantly sat nearby and sang songs. One day he flew close and the rose got scared: - Fly away! - she said. - You can inject yourself! - I'm not afraid. - The nightingale answered. – you are very beautiful and I’m not afraid to prick myself. It was the first time Rose had heard such words. She was pleased. And she realized that in this world there will always be someone who is not afraid to approach you. |
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A story in English about happiness
In this story, which can be written out and practiced in different contexts in English.
| The little bird decided to learn what happiness is. She asked the wind, sun, sky, and water. But all of them answered differently.
The wind said that happiness is freedom. The sky said that happiness is silence. The water said that happiness is the speed. The bird was frustrated. She thought that she got confused. Then she decided to ask the wise Owl. Owl answered: - Happiness is when you are happy. You are happy when you fly and sing. The bird was pleased. It was true! She was always happy when she was flying and singing! She understood that every creature has their own happiness. |
The little bird decided to find out what happiness is. She asked the wind, the sun, the sky and the water. But they all answered differently. The wind said that happiness is freedom. Heaven said that happiness is silence. And the water said that happiness is speed. The bird was confused. She thought she was confused. Then she decided to ask the wise owl. And the owl answered: — Happiness is what makes you happy. And you are happy when you want to sing and fly. The bird was happy. It was true! She was happy when she flew. She realized that everyone determines their own happiness. |
Story in English about friendship
There are many uses in this story. in singular and plural. It is suitable for practicing this grammatical structure, and the adjectives used in the story will help expand your vocabulary.
| In the big forest lived a fox and a hare. They were unusual. The fox and the hare were friends. Everyone was surprised because foxes and hears cannot be friends! But those animals were unusual.
They helped each other, they gave advises to each other in different situations. The fox is always protected the hare, and the hare made the fox laugh. Once a big bear said: — You mustn’t be friends with the hare! It's not right! - But why? – asked the fox. — Read the fairytales! This kind of friendship doesn’t exist! The fox thought about it. And then answered: — Not everything in the fairytale is true. Real life is more complicated and we can choose who we want to be friends with. |
In one large forest lived a fox and a hare. They were unusual. The hare and the fox were friends. Everyone was surprised at this, because a fox and a hare are never friends, but these animals were special! They helped each other, advised each other on what to do in different situations. The fox protected the hare, and the hare made the fox laugh. One day the big bear said to the fox: -You shouldn't be friends with him! It is not right! - but why? – The fox was surprised. - Read fairy tales! There is nowhere where the fox and the hare are friends. Lisa thought about it. And then she answered: — Not everything that fairy tales write is true. Real life is much more complicated and we ourselves can choose who to be and who to be friends with. |
A story in English about a living forest
| Once a boy was walking in the forest. He broke branches, frightened animals, chopped the grass.
In the evening, when he went to bed, someone knocked at the window. He looked out and saw a tree. “You did very badly!” The boy heard the words. He was frightened. - Who is it? — He asked. - Never mind. I am a part of nature. And you are too. What did you do is bad. - You're not alive! The tree lowered its branches and sadly replied: - That's what you think. But I'm alive. And the grass is alive. And the animals feel pain. The boy pondered. He felt ashamed. — Forgive me, tree. - Not answered. But the tree was silent. The next day the boy went to the forest and behaved quietly. He realized that the forest is alive. |
Some boys were walking in the forest. He broke branches, scared animals and crushed grass. In the evening, when he was going to bed, someone knocked on the window. He looked out and saw a tree. -You did very badly! – the boy heard the words. He was scared. - Who is this? - he asked. - Doesn't matter. I am part of nature. And you too. What you did is bad. - You're not alive! The tree lowered its branches and sadly answered: - That's what you think. But I'm alive. And the grass is alive. And animals feel pain. The boy thought about it. He felt ashamed. - Forgive me, tree. - He answered. But the tree remained silent. The next day the boy went into the forest and behaved quietly. He realized that the forest was alive. |
A story in English about mother's love
| The boy tore his jacket and was crying for a long time. He thought that his mother would stop loving him. This jacket was presented to him for his birthday.
He was sitting on the steps and crying. He was ashamed and sad. He didn't want to go home. Evening came. And the boy did not want to go home. — Son, we’ve been looking for you! What are you doing here? - Mom came to him. He began to cry again. And then mother noticed that the jacket was torn. The boy noticed this and said: - Sorry! Mom, I'm sorry! I'm not on purpose! I know that you will stop loving me! - Stop. Said mother and smiled. - Why do you think so? - She's so expensive. — Whispered the boy. Mom once again smiled and tenderly replied: — You are the most expensive. Nothing can kill my love. |
The boy tore his jacket and cried for a very long time. He thought that his mother would stop loving him. This jacket was given to him for his birthday. He sat on the steps and cried. He was ashamed and sad. He didn't want to go home. Evening came. But the boy still didn’t want to go home. - Son, we were looking for you! What are you doing here? - Mom approached him. He started crying again. And then my mother noticed that the jacket was torn. The boy noticed this and began to say: - Sorry! Mom, I'm sorry! I didn't do it on purpose! I know that you will stop loving me! - Stop. - Mom said and smiled. - Why do you think so? - She's so dear. - The boy whispered. Mom smiled again and gently answered: - You are the most precious thing. Nothing can kill my love. |
Scary stories in English with translation
Story in English about the black room
| The black-black company had a black-and-black table. In the black-black desk was a black-black box. In this box was a black folder. And in the black folder there were some black sheets of paper. There were written some gory story. Everyone who read this story began to see terrible dreams. Nobody knew who wrote this story. The man who kept this story was very lonely. He wrote it for a very long time and every time someone insulted him, he threw a folder in his bag with this story. Loneliness sometimes makes people very angry. |
In a black-black company there was a black-black table. In the black-black table there was a black-black box. There was a black folder in this box. And in a black folder on black sheets of paper a terrible story was written. Everyone who read this story began to have terrible dreams. Nobody knew who wrote this story. The man who kept this story was very lonely. He wrote it for a very long time and every time someone offended him, he threw a folder with this story into his bag. Loneliness sometimes makes people very angry. |
A story in English about a ghost and a castle
This story in English uses many different grammatical structures that are studied at levels B1-B2. Those learning English at A2 level can also read it if they want to learn more complex words and phrases.
| In the castle lived a ghost. The castle stood empty for a long time and the ghost was sad. But one day the family moved there.
And the ghost came to life. It began to walk the corridors, frighten new tenants and scared to howl in the middle of the night. The family was very frightened. One day she woke up a little girl, and she cried out loud. Dad decided to do something with this ghost. They tried to catch him, summoned the priest, and the ghost hunters. But nothing helped. And the family left this castle. Ghosts stayed alone again. Nobody found out about his loneliness. For thousands of years of emptiness in the castle, it has forgotten how to talk with people and is only able to frighten them. |
There was a ghost in one castle. The castle stood empty for a long time and the ghost was sad. But one day a family moved there. And the ghost came to life, began to walk along the corridors, scare the new residents and howl terribly in the middle of the night. The family was very scared. One day a ghost woke up a little girl and she screamed loudly. Dad decided to do something about this ghost. They tried to catch him, called the priest, and ghost hunters. But nothing helped. And the family left this castle. The ghost itself remained again. I never knew about his loneliness. Over thousands of years of emptiness in the castle, the ghost forgot how to talk to people and only knew how to scare them. |
Story in English about Halloween
| Jessica never believed in spirits. She was always skeptical about any holidays and beliefs.
It was Halloween. All around bought suits, prepared strange dishes and decorated their homes. Only Jessica sat sadly by the window. She was dreaming about a miracle! Suddenly, something knocked at her window. Jessica wonced: she lived on the 9th floor. The knock repeated. The girl opened the window and looked out - the fresh air flew into the room, but there was no one there. Jessica closed the window. Suddenly she felt something behind her. She froze and turned slowly: big green eyes were looking at her. The girl cried out loud and suddenly… woke up. It turned out that she dozed off at the window and she dreamed it. |
Jessica never believed in spirits. She was always skeptical about any holidays or beliefs. It's Halloween. Everyone around was buying costumes, cooking strange dishes and decorating their homes. Only Jessica sat sadly near the window. She wanted a miracle so much! Suddenly something knocked on her window. Jessica shuddered: she lived on the 9th floor. The knock was repeated. The girl opened the window and looked out - fresh air flew into the room, but there was no one there. Jessica closed the window. And suddenly she felt something standing behind her. She froze and slowly turned around: big green eyes were looking at her. The girl screamed loudly and suddenly... woke up. It turned out that she dozed off by the window and dreamed about it. |
A story in English about two men
| Two men were driving in the car on the road. They were returning from their parents.
Suddenly a fox ran to the road. The driver was frightened and stopped the car. The men got out of the car and looked around - there was a dark forest around, a howl of a wolf could be heard. Suddenly something big appeared from the bushes, a roar was heard. One man was frightened and quickly returned to the car. — Get in the car! — Not shouted. But his brother froze and did not move from his place. - Faster! — Cried the driver. He was very scared, he pressed the gas and the car drove off. In the rear view, he saw how something black and big dragged his brother into the forest. |
Two men were driving along the road in a car. They were returning from their parents. Suddenly a fox ran out onto the road. The driver got scared and stopped the car. The men got out of the car and looked around - there was a dark forest around, they could hear the howling of a wolf. Suddenly something large appeared from the bushes and a roar was heard. One man got scared and quickly returned to the car. - Get in the car! - he shouted. But his brother froze and did not move. - Faster! – the driver shouted. He was very scared, he pressed the gas and the car drove off. Through the rearview window, he saw something black and large drag his brother into the forest. |
Story in English: “The Angry Dog and the Boy”
| The family gave the boy a dog.
The child was happy and very fond of his pet, played with him. But the dog was dull - she did not like to play with the ball, toys. When it grew up, the boy saw that the dog was getting very angry. And one day he began to be afraid of it. The dog began to growl at him. In one day it bites him. But the parents did not see this and did not believe the boy when he told about it. - It is just bored with you - Said, my mother. — You grew up and don’t want to play with it. Answered my father. The boy was scared. One night he woke up because someone was breathing on him. He opened his eyes and saw a dog sitting on his stomach and looking into his eyes. He saw its big teeth. The boy screamed and ran to his parents. The next day the dog disappeared. Parents did not believe the boy, and the boy all his life expected that the dog will return one day. |
The family gave the boy a dog. The child was happy and loved his pet very much and played with him. But the dog was sad - she did not like to play with a ball or toys. When she grew up, the boy saw that the dog was becoming very angry. And one day he began to be afraid of her. The dog started growling at him. One day she bit him. But the parents did not see this and did not believe the boy when he talked about it. - You're just tired of her. - Mom said. “You’ve grown up and don’t want to play with her.” - Dad answered. The boy was scared. One night he woke up to the sound of someone breathing on him. He opened his eyes and saw a dog sitting on his stomach and looking into his eyes. Her big teeth were visible. The boy screamed and ran to his parents. The next day the dog disappeared. The parents never believed the boy, and the boy spent his entire life waiting for the dog to return. |
Story in English: “The Girl on the Road”
| The driver was driving along the road and suddenly stopped. In the middle of the road, there was a girl in white.
He went out, but the figure disappeared. Every time he returned from work, he saw this figure. But she quickly disappeared. The driver decided to look for something. He found some information. The girl had been killed on this road, and the killer has not yet been punished. Since then, the girl frightens the drivers. The man became frightened and he began to go round this road. But he never stopped thinking about a girl in a white dress. |
The driver was driving along the road and suddenly stopped. A girl in white stood in the middle of the road. He left, but the figure disappeared. Every time he returned from work, he saw this figure. But she quickly disappeared. The driver decided to look for something. He found information that a girl was killed on this road, and the killer has not yet been punished. Since then, the girl has been scaring drivers. The man became scared and began to drive around this road. But he never stopped thinking about the girl in the white dress. |
Story in English: “The Monster and the Cellar”
| Alice was afraid of going to the basement. Mom often asked her to go down there and get some things.
But the girl knew that there was a monster in the basement. She saw his terrible eyes and big teeth. But she was afraid to tell anyone about it. So she wrote about it in her diary. Once the mother asked Alice to bring the book from the cellar. The girl went down there, she trembled and was very afraid. Since then, no one saw the girl. All the people were looking for a girl in the forests, fields, meadows. Once the mother found Alice’s diary. She cried loudly, ran out of the house and began to cry. After that, she poured a house on kerosene and set fire to it. |
Alice was afraid to go to the basement. Mom often asked her to go down there and get some things. But the girl knew that a monster lived in the basement. She saw his scary eyes and big teeth. But she was afraid to tell anyone about it. So she wrote about it in her diary. One day Mom asked Alice to bring a book from the basement. The girl went down there, she was trembling and very afraid. Since then, no one has seen the girl. Everyone was looking for the girl in the forests, fields, meadows. One day my mother found Alice's diary. She screamed loudly, ran out of the house and started crying. After that, she doused the house with kerosene and set it on fire. |
Funny stories in English with translation
A story in English about a cat who was afraid of mice
| In one house a mouse started to live. The hosts decided to get a cat to catch this mouse.
The cat was named Timothy. But this cat was very shy. He was afraid of the mouse and hid behind the refrigerator. — Catch the mouse, please. — asked the landlady at home. Everyone realized that he was timid. Once he was lying under the table and was afraid. Suddenly he saw a mouse. She came to him curiously and asked: - Why don’t you catch me? The cat cried and answered: — I’m afraid of you, mouse. The mouse laughed and answered: — I can’t live with you in the same house! I want to run and hide. And you lie here and cry. And the mouse has gone. Everyone thought that Timothy had caught it. |
There was a mouse in one house. The owners decided to get a cat so that he could catch this mouse. The cat was named Timothy. But this cat was very shy. He was afraid of mice and hid behind the refrigerator. - Catch the mouse, please. - The lady of the house asked. Everyone realized that he was shy. One day he was lying under the table and was afraid. Suddenly he saw a mouse. She approached him curiously and asked: - Why don’t you catch me? The cat cried and answered: - I'm afraid of you, mouse. The mouse laughed and answered: - I can’t live in the same house with you! I want to run and hide. And you lie here and cry. And the mouse left. Everyone thought Timothy had caught her. |
Story in English: “Why is the kangaroo called that?”
| One large expedition arrived in Australia. There they saw a big animal with a bag on its stomach.
Nearby stood a tribe. Researchers asked them: - Tell me, natives, who is this? What a wondrous animal with a bag on his stomach? People answered: — Ken gu ru. The freight forwarders did not know the language of the tribe, and they thought it was the name of the animal. - Kangaroo, a kangaroo. - the researchers nodded. Since then, an animal with a bag is called a kangaroo. But only now we know that the tribe answered: “We do not know.” |
One large expedition came to Australia. There they saw a large animal with a bag on its stomach. There was a tribe nearby. The researchers asked them: - Tell me, indigenous people, who are they? What is this wonderful animal with a pouch on its belly? People replied: - Ken gu ru. The forwarders did not know the language of the tribe, and they thought it was the name of the animal. - Kangaroo, kangaroo. – the researchers nodded. Since then, the animal with a pouch has been called a kangaroo. But only now do we know that the tribe responded, “We don’t know.” |
Story in English: "In the Dark"
| Many years ago, two friends, Joe and Peter arrived in a small hotel. They asked for a room.
They were given keys and a candle. While they were going there, the candle went out. They groped for the door and went into the room. They were undressed and went to bed, but they did not see that it was one big bed. Joe said: — Peter, there’s someone in my bed. Peter replied: — Joe, in mine, too. — I can feel his legs. “Let’s push him,” Joe suggested. They began to shove each other and both fell into bed. The men got angry and said: — We need to go to the owner and complain to him! |
Many years ago, two friends Joe and Peter arrived at a small hotel. They asked for a number. They were given keys and a candle. While they were walking there, the candle went out. They groped their way to the door and entered the room. They undressed and went to bed, but they did not see that it was one large bed. Joe said: - Peter, there is someone in my bed. Peter replied: - Joe, in mine too. I can feel his legs. “Let's push him,” Joe suggested. They started pushing each other and both fell into bed. The men got angry and said: - You need to go to the owner and complain to him! |
Story in English: “Are you angry?”
A short story with elements of a joke:
| One day a famous man was traveling to France by an old train. He was going to a small village. He went to sleep very late. He asked the conductor to wake him up when they got to the town.
He woke up in the morning. The train was already near Paris. The man was very angry. He ran up to the conductor and cried: - Why didn’t you do it? I am very angry with you! The conductor looked at him for a moment and then said: — You may be angry, but not so angry as the other man whom I put off’ the train instead of you at night |
One day a man was traveling by train. He was on his way to a small town. It was late when he went to bed. He asked the conductor to wake him up when he needed to stop. He woke up early already near Paris. The man got angry. He ran up to the conductor and shouted: - How could you? - he said to the conductor, - I’m very angry! The conductor looked at him and said. -You are very angry. But the American, whom I woke up instead of you and dropped off the train, is even angrier. |
Story in English: “In a Small Town”
| One little girl was crying all day. She was really sad.
Mother came to her and asked: — Darling, why are you crying so long? What happened? Are you hurt? “No,” said the girl. — Maybe you have your toys broken? - So tell me, why? The girl looked at her mother’s eyes and said: — Because my brother has holidays, and I don’t. - But why? – Mother was surprised. — Because I don’t go to school! – Cried the girl. |
One little girl cried all day. She was very sad. Mom came up to her and asked: - Darling, why are you crying? What's happened? Did someone offend you? “No,” the girl answered. - Maybe your toys are broken? - So tell me why? The girl looked into her mother’s eyes and said: — Because my brother has a vacation, but I don’t. - But why? - Mom was surprised. - Because I don't go to school yet! - The girl burst into tears. |
History in English: “The Great Doctor and the Great Writer”
A funny story about the response of a great doctor to the actions of a great writer:
| One big artist's dog broke its leg. He decided to call the doctor. But he didn’t want to ask for help an ordinary vet. So he called the best doctor in the world.
“Doctor,” he said, “it is very important for me.” Help my dog. The doctor said nothing but did his job. Later he called this artist. “Dear artist,” he said. – I called you to ask for your help. Paint my door, please. This is very important for me. |
The great artist's dog broke his leg. He decided to call a doctor. But he didn't want an ordinary veterinarian, so he called the best doctor in the world. - Doctor, this is important to me. Help my dog. The doctor remained silent, but did his job. Later the doctor called the artist. “Dear artist,” he said, smiling, “I called you to paint my door.” It's important for me! Can you do it? |
Story in English: “The Policeman and the Thief”
A short story similar to the joke about a thief and a policeman:
| Young policeman was asked to get the thief to the prison. While they were walking to that place, the thief said:
— I need to go to the shop to buy some food. The policeman was waiting for him for 30 minutes. After he realized that he was fooled. After some time the thief was caught again. Young policeman was asked to do the same job. Walking through the shop thief said: — I need to go to the shop, wait for me. - No! – Cried policeman. – You won’t do the same again. Now I will go to the shop and you will wait for me. |
A young policeman was asked to escort a thief to prison. On the way the thief said: - I have to go to the store and buy food, wait for me here. The policeman waited for half an hour. Then I went into the store and realized that the thief had run away. Soon the thief was caught again. And the young policeman was again asked to do the job. Passing by the store, the thief said again: — I’ll go to the store, and you wait for me. The policeman replied: - No way! I've already been caught once. Now I'll go to the store, and you wait for me here. |
Conclusion
While learning English, you can use stories on various topics with translation into Russian as an additional source of lexical and grammatical material.
I have been teaching English for a long time, and my method includes independent reading, which looks something like this: after each lesson, I send the student a story in English by e-mail, which he reads at home (sometimes he also listens if there is audio for the text), and the next lesson he retells it to me.
Now I decided to post these stories so that everyone can use them - both those who are learning English on their own and looking for something interesting to read, and teachers like me who are constantly looking for material for their students.
Stories in English are divided into three categories: simpler, medium complexity and more complex. Most texts come with audio, in which case you can listen to the story directly on the reading page or download it in mp3 format. Unfortunately, there are no materials for children here - all texts are intended for adults. Some of them are adapted, others are not. The authors are very different: some of the stories were written by O'Henry, some by Mark Twain, others are written by lesser-known and more modern English and American writers. But absolutely everything has been tested on my students and approved by them.
The list of texts is constantly updated. Read, listen, learn and teach others!
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We at Lingvistov often say that our task is to learn English in an interesting way. When you are captivated by the process itself and you see its meaning, then you will undoubtedly learn English quickly and painlessly. Therefore, we decided to diversify everyday life, filled with grammar and boring educational texts, and offer a selection of jokes in English! Funny stories in English will help you develop your language skills, expand your vocabulary and simply improve your mood.
Woops Sorry About That
Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it. The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
Bad Date Joke
“Hi Sarah, listen I just have a minute. I’m about to get picked up for a blind date, can you call me in a half hour just in case it’s going bad? Yes? Ok great! We'll speak.” Raquel gave herself a quick spray of perfume, checked herself out one more time in the mirror, and headed outside to wait for the guy. Sure enough after twenty minutes Raquel was discreetly checking her watch. After ten more long minutes her phone finally buzzed. Raquel listened for a few seconds, grimly pursed her lips, and turned to her date, “I feel terrible, but my Grandmother is terribly sick, and I must go home now.” “No problem!” Said her date with a big grin, “in a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over!”
The child and his mother
A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”
The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”
The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only gray hairs on her head.”
Homework
PUPIL – “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”
TEACHER – “Of course not.”
PUPIL – “Good, because I haven`t done my homework.”
* * *
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother"s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
* * *
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
* * *
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
Math, Physics, & Philosophy
Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."
Mental Patient
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out. The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all." David replied, "Doctor, John didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."
News Stand
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw yesterday"s paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where"s the story about the big swindle?" The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, “Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!”
School Question
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Another interesting text in English with translation and voice-over (audio) by a native speaker from my course for beginners “English on Skype with Victoria Fabishek”. You will also find other stories in English in the section interesting and useful. When copying text, translation or audio and posting it on supporter resources, a link to this site is required.
If you want to practice more in English, not only online, but also via Skype, then. I will help you.
A MAGIC RING
Once upon a time there lived a young farmer. He worked very hard but was very poor. One day when he was far from home in the forest, an old woman looking like a peasant came up to him and said, “I know you work very hard, and all for nothing. I will give you a magic ring! It will make you rich, and your work won’t be in vain. When you turn the ring on your finger and say what you wish to have, you’ll have it at once! But there is only one wish in the ring, so think carefully before you wish.”
The astonished farmer took the ring given to him by the peasant woman, and went home. In evening he came to a big city. There he went to a merchant and showed him the magic ring. When the merchant heard the astonishing story, he thought of a plan. He invited the farmer to stay in his house for the night. At night he came up to the sleeping peasant, carefully took the ring off the man’s finger, and put on another ring, which looked exactly like the one he had taken off.
In the morning when the farmer had gone away, the merchant ran into his shop, shut the door, and said while turning the ring on his finger, “I wish to have a hundred thousand pieces of gold.” And down they came, on his head, shoulders, and arms, like a rain of gold! The frightened merchant tried to get out of the shop, but in vain. In a few minutes he was dead.
When the farmer returned home, he showed the ring to his wife. “Take a look at this ring,” he said. “It’s a magic ring! It will make us happy.”
The astonished woman could hardly say a word “Let’s try.” Maybe the ring will bring us more land,” she said at last.
“We must be careful about our wish. Don’t forget there’s only one thing that we may ask for,” he explained. “Let’s better work hard for another year, and we’ll have more land.”
So they worked as hard as they could and got enough money to buy the land they wished to have. “What happy people we are!” said the farmer.
“I don’t understand you,” answered his wife angrily. “There’s nothing in the world that we can’t have, and still we spend days and nights working as hard as before, because you don’t want to use your magic ring!”
Thirty, then forty years had gone by. The farmer and his wife had grown old. Their hair became as white as snow. They were happy and had everything they wanted. Their ring was still there. Although it was not a magic ring, it had made them happy. For you see, my dear friends, a poor thing in good hands is better than a fine thing in bad hands.
MAGIC RING
Once upon a time there was a young farmer who worked hard, but never got rich. One day, when he was far from home in the forest, some old peasant-looking woman came up to him and said:
I know you work like an ox, but it's all in vain. I will give you a magic ring - you will be rich, as you deserve. As soon as you turn the ring and say a wish, it will come true. But you can only use it once. So, think carefully before you make a wish!
The surprised farmer took the ring and went home. He thought about this interesting story non-stop. On the way, he stopped by a merchant and showed him a gift. When he heard the fascinating story, he invited the farmer to stay overnight in his house. At night, he crept up to the simpleton, carefully removed the ring from his finger, and instead put on another one, which was exactly the same.
In the morning, when the farmer woke up and went home, the rich man ran to his store, turned the ring and exclaimed: “I wish I had a hundred thousand gold bars!” Then he turned the ring, and immediately a rain of gold fell on his head, shoulders, and whole body. The frightened merchant tried to escape, but in vain - too much gold was falling. Soon he was buried under the ingots and died.
When the farmer came home, he decided to tell his wife about his ring.
Take it, it's magical. We will be happy!
The surprised woman was almost speechless.
Interesting story, let’s try... Maybe we’ll have more land,” she finally said.
We must be careful what we wish for. Remember, we only have one chance,” he explained. - Let's work even harder, then we can buy more land without the ring.
They worked hard, made money and expanded the boundaries of the site. Their joy knew no bounds.